Maybe I should be in piecing part 6?

[Hope4us]

We all use our own situations, and what we learned, to help others. We all have on our own colored glasses we see things through. You know mine. I think there has been contact. Remember, I had contact, a few times actually... Did that mean that I wanted to leave my marriage? Nope. It was something I had to work through. You want your wife to WANT to be with you, not feel forced to be with you. Of course she is making it hard on herself when she makes contact, or when the OM contacts her. But, perhaps, it needs to be done. Remember in my situation how the OM contacted me, and the feelings it brought up. It messed with my head. I also chose to not tell my H. In my situation it is different because my H would understand why. I believe, in yours, your W knows you would want to know immediately, etc. Yet, she may see how things are going forward with you, and she doesn't want to ruin it.

The thing I worry about you, with not confronting, is that if you ever DO find out she contacted him or he contacted her, you will leave her then and there. Are you serious when you incinuate that? I mean, I get the whole "taking a stand" thing, but if she was working through things, and figured things out, and is making a choice to be with you, would you really throw her away if she contacted him?

I understand this WDID. I understand it from you, I understand it from Sandi, I understand it from my friend D. You've all told me that the draw is so hard. My friend D told me it took a long time before she quit opening her email hoping OM had sent her a note. Even AFTER she KNEW she was going to stay with her H.

I've really spent a lot of time thinking about this. And for us men, it's a simple thing. Like Puppy mentioned. Just don't do it. But I understand it's different for women. Probably why marriages where there is a romantic/EA/PA type A that the odds of recovering are slim.

I do see her progressing. I do see her trying in her own way. Would it be easier if she went completely NC (if there is contact going on)? Of course. Would it be easier if EGF wasn't supporting her in her A? Of course.

Do I think she would cave if I gave her an ultimatum? Maybe, maybe not. Will we have a better chance of having the type of marriage we BOTH want if I let her get through this on her own? I think so. And if we don't make it in the end, it won't be because I'm PRESSURING her. If we end up separating and she comes back, it will be because SHE wants to.

I don't want her back if she feels like it's her only option. I don't want her back if I'm the back up plan. And the only way I feel we will be together with BOTH of us wanting it, is if she figures it out on her own.

I've related many, many times how stubborn and strong willed she is. It's one of the things I love about her. But just think how wonderful our marriage will be if SHE decides she wants it to work.

If that never happens, ok, because I don't want to be married to her if she hasn't made the decision to be with me. And if some contact (like you said WDID) is a necessary evil, then so be it.

Again, I'm not waiting forever. And if that time comes for the transfer and she then de-fogs completely, I'll kick myself for not doing it sooner. But if not, then it'll be time for me to move on knowing I gave it everything I could.

The thing with my W is, I KNOW she loves the attention. That's one of her LL's. So my making the effort to plan trips and love her even with the way she's treated me WILL have an affect on her. I already see it. And I think that's where her struggle is. And I think when she feels herself connecting with me, she feels the need to contact OM to rationalize in her mind that the A was justified. But the more and more we connect, it has to make OM less and less attractive.

Maybe that's what the two really down days were all about. She contacted him and it wasn't what she wanted or was seeking in that contact. If that's the case, then me confronting her will only cause that wall to go up even further.

And WDID. You could be very right. I might not want to know if she's contacted him because I probably would explode and end our marriage. If I don't know or act as if, then we've still got a chance.