I'm not sure what 180s would work, but I have a few plans for myself that I intend to initiate beginning Monday. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) they will take even more time away from H and I to be 'together.'
1- I'm going back to the gym 2- I'm starting (please don't laugh) a weight gain program to try to put on 5 -10 lbs that I've lost this past year. I've gotten much to thin. 3- I'm going to spend more time on my house/and school work when I'm not at my real job, instead of sitting around being bored or so blah that I can hardly stand the thought of running a dust cloth. 4- I'm going to try to identify some things I'd like to do and do them. I'm no kid, and there are a gazillion things I've never experienced and should, before I'm too damn old to try them.
I have become to focused on HIM and this M again...and it hasn't served me well emotionally to do so. I need to get a life as they say and that's exactly what I intend to do. I think my H is running out of time with me, I'm losing interest in trying to put this Humpty Dumpty back on the wall. T2
T2-I like how you word things. It gets right to the way you are feeling. Frustrated. All this is so extremely slow and frustrating to me too! I also have to be very careful not to fall into focusing on him and our M. I also think my H is comfortable having his own place. He is too fearful of having history repeat itself by coming home and then leaving again. Not sure what it will take to change his mind about that. They say have low expectaions. Not sure I agree with that. If I always had low expectaions, I would not have the fortitude that it takes daily to stay in this R. You are doing all the right things by thinking of things you can do to get a life. Sounds like your determined,and that's good! Your post helped to remind me not to lose sight of what's important. It's us. You and me, and all of us going through this. We have made a choice to fight for our M's. In doing that, we need to do personally inventory first. If we don't take care of #1, then we can't be effective in other areas. I've got a serious case of the blahs today too after spending the last two evenings with my H. When I talked to him last night and asked him what he was doing today, he had no particular plans, but did not offer the suggestion of us getting together. This made me feel bad, and like I "needed" to see him. I was almost in panic mode last night and this morning trying to figure out how I could see him today. Then I thought. I left the door open for him to call me today. If he wants to he will. If not, I'll find other things to do to take of myself. Simple. This feeling will pass and I can't let him know the urgency I feel. You are going in the right direction by making plans to take care of yourself. That's a win/win sitchuation. It makes you all the more attractive to him I would think, AND your taking care of you. Have at it trying to put those lbs.on! Good luck, Rachael
2- I'm starting (please don't laugh) a weight gain program
I, for one, am not going to laugh. I've been struggling all year to gain weight. I lost twenty-five pounds almost overnight after the bomb. I still haven't crossed the 100lbs barrier. I'd be thrilled to gain 10lbs.
I have probably lost 20 something pounds and for me, on my already thin frame, that's A LOT of weight to loose. It makes my face look drawn and my energy level is sapped. So I MUST put some weight on. I'll be happy with 10 lbs., especially if it magically goes to my face LOL.
I'm going to do the gym stuff too because I want muscle tone, not fat and at my age that's a challenge. It's really all about me getting my "self image" back to a healthy place. I remember when early on in this nightmare I'd allow my Hs deveatating action to convince me that I had become unattractive, undesireable and unloveable. I don't think any of those things today, but I need to take action to keep my personal image positive no matter what.
What are you doing to gain weight?
E-mails are welcome at: Trying24now@aol.com T2
Hi Sage, Thanks for stopping by. Oh I was a good little girl all weekend. I let him lay around and sleep most all of yesterday away and today he had to go to work and won't be back here until late this afternoon. He still looks and sounds like hell from his cold.
Before he went off to sleep last night he thanked me for making him soup. I was a regular nancy nurse...LOL
I spent the entire afternoon away from the house so I wouldn't be upset that he was snoozing the day away. I forced myself to realize that he is not feeling well and to just write this off as a lost weekend. I think he was content just to be allowed to doze on and off and baby his cold without me laying any attitude or guilt trip on him. At least he should have been so who knows.
We have the BIG week long trip to Georgia coming up on the 21st, so I think we're both a little tentative and skeptical about what each of us are 'expecting' to get out of that trip. I know I have an agenda...and he may well have one too.
Well, I just have dinner to get through with him and his cold tonight...then he'll be off to "his place" by 9pm or so and he and I can go back into our respective corners of the world. T2
Quote: He is too fearful of having history repeat itself by coming home and then leaving again. Not sure what it will take to change his mind about that.
Yep, that's exactly where my H is at. I've asked my H what is it he's 'waiting' for in order to make a decision. He has no answer. Soon, very soon, no answer will be necessary because in my mind the date is fast approaching to poop or get off the pot...and that date comes in mid-Oct on our anniversary, whether he knows it or not. T2
I did try to call my H and there was no answer. The only phone he has is his cell, and he ALWAYS has that with him. It's been 2 1/2 hrs and still no response. He doesn't have voice mail, but he can see who has called. This does not look good. He does these disappearing acts where he doesn't answer his phone and it always seems to be on the weekend. He comes up with stories that he's at some guys house that he knows and is helping build a room, and I couldn't prove him wrong because I don't exactly where he lives. know where he lives. I wonder what he'll come up with this time.
Surprise. He just called and guess where he told me he was? Same place as usual. He was nice as could be. Said he left his phone in his truck and went to the lumberyard with this guy and came back and starting working and just went to his truck to check his phone and saw that I had called. He wanted to know what I was doing, and what I was going to do. I have so must mistrust! He sounds so convincing, and I find myself wondering if I'm crazy. I just don't understand these times that I try to call him and can't get ahold of him for hrs. I just know he almost alwasys keeps his phone on him. I said"Let's get together for dinner later." He agreed and said he'd call me when he got home-They were going to finish all they could today. Is my gut telling me something, or am I just being paranoid?? I mean, how could he be with her and call me and set plans for later today? He had to hear it in my voice that I didn't exactly trust what he was telling me. He was good at convincing me he was where he said he was. Is that him just trying to reassure me, or is he doing what he did in the past which is lie? I only wish I knew for sure that she is out of the picture. It would make a huge difference. I couldn't take another deception like before. I have not worried about this until we started seeing each other alot, and now I am unsure of his honesty. I never bring her up, but I need to know if he is being honest. It just feels wrong, and I can't explain why. Maybe I'm just not over the lies and deciebt from before. I'm not sure how to handle this. If he's lying it would do no good to ask him about her. He'd just lie more. Do you ever trust once it has been so badly broken?? Rachael
The demon cell phone...oh yeah, my enemy #1...I hear ya loud and clear on that one.
Quote: He sounds so convincing, and I find myself wondering if I'm crazy.
It's like that old joke, "Who are you gonna believe, me Or your lying eyes?"
Quote: Is my gut telling me something, or am I just being paranoid??
If YOU can answer that one, share it with the rest of us because for all of us on this side of the equation THAT IS the $64,000 question.
Here's a little something I've told my H and repeatedly tell myself when I get that icky feeling in my stomach like I'm being 'conned' again....I chant to myself, IF he's lying to me now, when there's NO reason left to lie, than he is only lying to himself, I'm out of the available to be conned loop." It doesn't matter if he's lying if I don't buy the lie, ask for clarification or refute the statement. HE KNOWS if he's lied, and lying doesn't make HIM feel good. So NOT lying is a place he'll have to get to all by himself eventually. If you doubt the verasity of his statement, accept the fact that you think you've just been lied to and let it go, chalk it up to his still being in the fog for now.
Quote: Do you ever trust once it has been so badly broken??
I sure as hell hope so or we're all wasting valuable days of our life here.
24now-Extremely well said about the trust issue. I guess we must all hold some hope or we would be idiots to waste all this time. You say you have a date in mind. What do you expect him to do by this date? I don't have a date set because I know this is going to take time. As long as I see us moving in a positive direction I'll be in it for the long haul. At least that's how I feel now. Who knows about next week? I've got to get a grip and stop all the stuff in my head. It serves no purpose other than to drive me to distraction. To beleive or not to believe. I guess I'm not believing, but acting like I do. Hoping-I have heard so many different scenarios that I don't think any one of them holds true. I've heard of people that do get divorced and then still work it out. I've heard time is on our side, but I've never understood what it meant. I guess you could say my H still has reason to lie.(If he is) He still wants me, although not enough to come home, and I know he does not want our kids to think bad of him. Um hello? The A pretty much blew their trust although they still love him. He's a wonderful Father and WAS a wonderful husband until he wacked out on me. He was good alot longer than he's been bad, and that's what keeps me going right now. My S. says he'll leave if his Dad comes home because he does not want to go through it all again. Can't blame him there. He thinks I'm nuts for having anything to do with him and develops a real attitude when his Dad comes over or he knows I've been out with him. I'm hoping time will help him. You can't exlpain midlife crisis to a teenager. They only believe what they see-not the gray areas. If my H does this again to us I will simpy have to come to the conclusion he's gone completely crazy. Rachael
Ugh....I'm sooooo glad the weekend is finally over.
Journaling: This weekend sucked. My H was sick and lethargic, I was exhausting myself mentally trying not to be bitchy. I hate Sundays when he's been here for the weekend anyway because it means that he'll leave to go back to his place that evening. I'm tired of watching him walk out the door with his overnight bag, it seems so absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for at this point.
We have come so far in so many ways and yet HE is responsible for keeping the final 'wedge' stuck between us by maintaining a separate residence.
Tonight after dinner I decided I'D END the weekend for a change, so about an hour ago I asked him if he'd gathered up his things (meaning his overnight bag)..giving him a hint, that the 'party was over.' He said, "Not yet. I'm sorry that I wasn't feeling well this weekend and pretty blah." I said, (in as even a tone as I could muster) "Well, you didn't feel well, so you couldn't help that." I was antsy...anxious...I just wanted him OUT of the house, I wanted the 'leaving' to be over, I felt like getting his stuff for him so he'd just go ahead and leave. We sat there kind of quiet for a few more minutes and he got up and went in to gather his things. Again, he apologized for being sick and again I told him I just hoped he'd feel better soon. I didn't/couldn't look at him or move from my chair. He came over, kissed the top of my head and said ILY. I was silent. He said, "I think I'd feel better if I had a hug." So I gave him a half hearted one. I was thinking, "oh sure, now you're Mr. Chipper now that you are free to hit the road, screw you."...but I ONLY thought it..I didn't say it.
So he's gone and I'm glad the leaving is over. This is undoubtedly THE LAST WEEKEND I will ever have him here. I can't stand the 'leaving' when the weekends are over and I'm NOT going to put myself through any more of them, they're just not worth it. The book says to do what works and don't do what doesn't work, well allowing him to spend alternate weekends here has certainly made him comfortable to be around me but THEY HAVE NOT made his decision to come home for good any closer, and I don't thinnk they will. So this is something that obviously ISN'T working to 'get me closer to my goal.'
I'm sad tonight, I'm tired, I'm confused and I want this all to just go away. T2
so who knows.
My H was sick and lethargic, I was exhausting myself mentally trying not to be bitchy. I hate Sundays when he's been here for the weekend anyway because it means that he'll leave to go back to his place that evening. I'm tired of watching him walk out the door with his overnight bag, it seems so absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for at this point.