I'm back and breathing. LOL Had a wonderful day yesterday.
Here's a funny. Stepped out to have a cigarette and formulate my thoughts before finishing this and the neighbor's Peacock has gotten out of the yard and it now wandering the neighborhood. Not chashing that thing as they are mean. Will help with loose dogs but not loose birds...
Ok I'm over that now. Regrets, you are looking for the immediate answer. You have to stop that and you have to realize that you CANNOT control, stop, or alter his behavior in any way. No matter what YOU do, if he is going to have EA/PA, he is going to do it. YOU have to decide and if you can deal with it in a way that is not going to damage you or make the situation worse. If you can't, or if you think you can and then find that you can't, then it is time to throw in the towel. But it is NOT a reflection on you or your relationship. It is him dealing with what he is going through in a way that HE chooses to deal with and that is the bottom line.
My H asked me recently what if one of our hearts went somewhere else? My only reply was that that is always a risk, and always has been a risk. It is part of human relationships. If I don't want to take that risk, because of fear or whatever, then I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. So that being said, you have to decide what you can put up with, but keep in mind that with him or someone else that is always a risk. It is life.
Secondly, he may never really be able to find words to explain to you what he is going through. He may not understand it at all himself. He just knows how he FEELS right now. It might not be what you are feeling, but just like thoughts, we rarely all feel exactly the same way about things. Maybe similar but not the same. It sounds like he just feels like he is failing. And like all of us, he was hoping that in a short amount of time he would feel differently, without doing anything about it, and since it hasn't changed, he doesnt' think it will. I have learned and have tried to explain to H, that you have to have action to change feelings. Just waiting for feelings to change does nothing to change them. I have heard that he has tried and all i can tell him is that one or two attempts is not always gonna cut it. That is how A's start. Actions, talking, laughing, etc...leads to good feelings, which leads to more actions, which leads to more feelings, until it has built to a point that maybe and so the next action comes....Eventually though, the comfort sets in and the actions stop. The feelings aren't so good. When the actions that bring the good feelings are not there, and all there is is day to day life, talking about mundane things, the house, the kids, work, the good feelings stop. The friendship sort of goes stale. Then it doesn't FEEL so good anymore.
So yes, GAL is important. Don't please don't be at his beck and call. If you have plans and he wants to go out, don't rearrange your schedule just tell him tomorrow night or whatever. It is going to be awkward. It is going to be uncomfortable. And you can't expect one day to make everything all right. When you went on your first date, because it was good, you didn't think right away, I'm gonna marry this guy. You hoped it was good enough that there would be a follow up call and maybe a second date. We too often make the mistake that one conversation or one or two good times are going to "fix" everything. That is NOT how it works. So no expectations.
So stop worrying about what he is doing. That will actually hurt you more than anything he actually does. Keep an eye on your goals and your PMA and your GAL but not for him. FOR YOU. If you make these changes just to save your M, I can GUARANTEE you that they WILL NOT last, and you will slip and eventually your M will be right back where it is now. You need to build your strength, your confidence and your life. FOR YOU. That is the bottom line and that is the ONLY way that your M has a chance at all.
And the anger is ok. Vent it here. This is your safe place to express your feelings and thoughts even if they don't make sense and believe me, we all have thoughts and feelings that make no sense. We all have felt like we are doing it all wrong. But as you learn and grow, you will see the things you are doing to help and the things you are doing to hurt much more clearly.
And MT is wonderful. I've just done this a lot longer than her and more times than she has (lucky duck). I wish that I didn't have those experiences but you know they say and I"ve read this a lot of times, we will keep repeating things until we learn what we are supposed to learn from them. I guess that is what has happened with H and I. We repeat our cycle every few years or so and have tired the same things over and over to fix it. Guess what, didn't work. This time the solutions and planned resolution are different, we absolutly are NOT trying to work on our M, but our relationship on the whole is improving. SLOWLY like a turtle, but it is changing, evolving and who knows what the outcome will be. Only God and the Angels I guess. So maybe that is why I seem so wise. Because it took me almost 20 years but I'm finally learning what I've needed to learn.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
