Things people have said so far is all good advice and they all speak truth. That's what is so great....you can come on here and get some good advice, look at your situation and your own personal knowledge, and then make a good decision.
We all use our own situations, and what we learned, to help others. We all have on our own colored glasses we see things through. You know mine. I think there has been contact. Remember, I had contact, a few times actually... Did that mean that I wanted to leave my marriage? Nope. It was something I had to work through. You want your wife to WANT to be with you, not feel forced to be with you. Of course she is making it hard on herself when she makes contact, or when the OM contacts her. But, perhaps, it needs to be done. Remember in my situation how the OM contacted me, and the feelings it brought up. It messed with my head. I also chose to not tell my H. In my situation it is different because my H would understand why. I believe, in yours, your W knows you would want to know immediately, etc. Yet, she may see how things are going forward with you, and she doesn't want to ruin it.
The thing I worry about you, with not confronting, is that if you ever DO find out she contacted him or he contacted her, you will leave her then and there. Are you serious when you incinuate that? I mean, I get the whole "taking a stand" thing, but if she was working through things, and figured things out, and is making a choice to be with you, would you really throw her away if she contacted him?
