"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

[theotherhalf]

What goes on in those pretty little minds of theirs?...

TOH is doing what everyone here says. I'm letting H spin in his crap. I've stopped all R talk. I don't cry to him anymore. When I talk to him I don't ask how he is, what he is doing, etc. I don't tell him about me. I have talked to him on a regular basis. Last week it was everyday. But it's only about the farm, and the future of the farm.

He never calls me anymore. He doesn't stop in here anymore, well very rarely. He does chores before I get off work and is gone before I get home. He doesn't even stop in to see the girls. I don't say anything.

Last Sat. I stayed at the hospitol with his mom. He called me 4 times. Once to ask me to pick up some cheap beer at a gas station on my way home. I didn't tell him I was staying at the hospitol. Later he called (I didn't answer) he was drunk and ticked I didn't answer. He was bringing the dog home and wanted to know where I was. Then again at 2 am he called twice. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Next morning I called him. He said he just wanted to know if I got the beer. I told him I thought it was one of two things. He either wanted to rendevous with OW and needed to know where I was or he wanted to be with me. He denied both. I told him I realized he wasn't going to admit to either. He laughed and agreed.

Rest of the week was all business. Good and bad. No R talk except after the bank the other day we were talking about whether or not to continue. I told him that there is no doubt or question in my mind where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. So I guess it really is his decision. He said "even if we are not together, do you want to keep doing this (farm)". I said no, that I cant, eventually I'll have to move on and do something different. His mood changed imediately and the conversation was done.

Then Friday night he calls me at 10pm. He was just getting home from his moms. He didn't want anything. Just talking. Asked where the girls were. Of course right away I'm thinking same things. Is he checking if the coast is clear? Or is he wanting me to come in? I know if I asked him he'd lie. I was not going to go in. So I didn't say a word.

Yesterday he shows up here mid morning. We dumped my burn barrell. We hauled hay bales in. We moved 2cows and bull home from the other place. Then he left with a see you later. It was a good day but left me feeling lonely and like the hired man. But as you all say...letting him go.

This morning he calls at 4:45 am. I answered. He's drunk. He just got home. The conv went like this...
H: I just got home, what are you doing
M: nothing, got home from where
H: I don't know, the bar I guess
M: oh, did you have a good time
H: no, not really. just thought I'd call you
M: what to torture me
H: now why would you ask me that
M: because it's 4:45 and the bars close at two so where have you been
H: I've been at Kandi's(nieces) what it's 4:45?! Nuhu! Well I'm sorry. It's really 5 in the morning? Why did you answer
M: because I worry about you
H: don't worry about me, I'm fine a dumb ass but fine. I'm sorry I shouldn't have called you. Kick me in the nuts
M: can I?
H: I would! I shouldn't be calling you at this time. Getting you up. I feel like a little kid. Pathetic
M: don't, you can call me any time as long as it's not to be mean
H: no, Im sorry
M: so what are you doing.
H: I'm hungry. You can come in and make me breakfast
M: no, I'll talk on the phone but I'm not coming in there at 5 am to make you breakfast. sorry your on your own.
H: no I didn't me now later if you want, I'm gonna go to sleep I'm tired and drunk and hungry. I'm sorry I got you up.
M: it's okay, talk to you later
He chuckled and said okay bye

WTH??? Whatever. Some are going to say don't answer the phone. And trust me I always hesitate and think this too. BUT. 1)what if something is wrong. 2)when I call him I get p&ssed as h&ll when he doesn't answer. So I feel like I have to. I can always hang up.

(sorry this is so long..) So... what is going on? Where is all this coming from? Is he missing me? I can't believe it, but is he? Is he playing me? This time around this vicious circle will be different. TOH is making it different. This time I will be there for my H as a friend. If he calls I will answer. But this time there will be no booty calls (I think I can). This time I will not be calling him. This time I will not fall into his trap. I will not play along the way he wants in order to pleas him and then be hurt again. If he wants a whore he can go to OW. TOH needs more. If he is missing me, we'll find out how much. TOH is putting up boundaries, we'll see if he'll climb them.

Well, it sounds good anyway...LOL

Thanks for listening to a dumb woman babble.