"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

[theotherhalf]

WCW, your right about the girls. They have no desire what so ever to farm. I guess we'll see what if anything comes out of the new year.

No, WCW, ToH has went through alot of changes over the last 2 years. I have found strength when I was weak. I am more patient. I am more quiet. I look at life so differently now. I think I am more laid back. I am not so afraid anymore of anything.(like what "might" happen) (Today I walked across and stood in a small lot with 2 cows and a bull. That would have never happened 2 1/2 years ago) Alot of changes are not for the good but expected after all that has happened. Less trusting, not so bubbly, not so proud.

And really, I have no idea who I was when H fell in love with me. I sometimes doubt that he ever did. And IF he did why?

[theotherhalf]

What goes on in those pretty little minds of theirs?...

TOH is doing what everyone here says. I'm letting H spin in his crap. I've stopped all R talk. I don't cry to him anymore. When I talk to him I don't ask how he is, what he is doing, etc. I don't tell him about me. I have talked to him on a regular basis. Last week it was everyday. But it's only about the farm, and the future of the farm.

He never calls me anymore. He doesn't stop in here anymore, well very rarely. He does chores before I get off work and is gone before I get home. He doesn't even stop in to see the girls. I don't say anything.

Last Sat. I stayed at the hospitol with his mom. He called me 4 times. Once to ask me to pick up some cheap beer at a gas station on my way home. I didn't tell him I was staying at the hospitol. Later he called (I didn't answer) he was drunk and ticked I didn't answer. He was bringing the dog home and wanted to know where I was. Then again at 2 am he called twice. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Next morning I called him. He said he just wanted to know if I got the beer. I told him I thought it was one of two things. He either wanted to rendevous with OW and needed to know where I was or he wanted to be with me. He denied both. I told him I realized he wasn't going to admit to either. He laughed and agreed.

Rest of the week was all business. Good and bad. No R talk except after the bank the other day we were talking about whether or not to continue. I told him that there is no doubt or question in my mind where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. So I guess it really is his decision. He said "even if we are not together, do you want to keep doing this (farm)". I said no, that I cant, eventually I'll have to move on and do something different. His mood changed imediately and the conversation was done.

Then Friday night he calls me at 10pm. He was just getting home from his moms. He didn't want anything. Just talking. Asked where the girls were. Of course right away I'm thinking same things. Is he checking if the coast is clear? Or is he wanting me to come in? I know if I asked him he'd lie. I was not going to go in. So I didn't say a word.

Yesterday he shows up here mid morning. We dumped my burn barrell. We hauled hay bales in. We moved 2cows and bull home from the other place. Then he left with a see you later. It was a good day but left me feeling lonely and like the hired man. But as you all say...letting him go.

This morning he calls at 4:45 am. I answered. He's drunk. He just got home. The conv went like this...
H: I just got home, what are you doing
M: nothing, got home from where
H: I don't know, the bar I guess
M: oh, did you have a good time
H: no, not really. just thought I'd call you
M: what to torture me
H: now why would you ask me that
M: because it's 4:45 and the bars close at two so where have you been
H: I've been at Kandi's(nieces) what it's 4:45?! Nuhu! Well I'm sorry. It's really 5 in the morning? Why did you answer
M: because I worry about you
H: don't worry about me, I'm fine a dumb ass but fine. I'm sorry I shouldn't have called you. Kick me in the nuts
M: can I?
H: I would! I shouldn't be calling you at this time. Getting you up. I feel like a little kid. Pathetic
M: don't, you can call me any time as long as it's not to be mean
H: no, Im sorry
M: so what are you doing.
H: I'm hungry. You can come in and make me breakfast
M: no, I'll talk on the phone but I'm not coming in there at 5 am to make you breakfast. sorry your on your own.
H: no I didn't me now later if you want, I'm gonna go to sleep I'm tired and drunk and hungry. I'm sorry I got you up.
M: it's okay, talk to you later
He chuckled and said okay bye

WTH??? Whatever. Some are going to say don't answer the phone. And trust me I always hesitate and think this too. BUT. 1)what if something is wrong. 2)when I call him I get p&ssed as h&ll when he doesn't answer. So I feel like I have to. I can always hang up.

(sorry this is so long..) So... what is going on? Where is all this coming from? Is he missing me? I can't believe it, but is he? Is he playing me? This time around this vicious circle will be different. TOH is making it different. This time I will be there for my H as a friend. If he calls I will answer. But this time there will be no booty calls (I think I can). This time I will not be calling him. This time I will not fall into his trap. I will not play along the way he wants in order to pleas him and then be hurt again. If he wants a whore he can go to OW. TOH needs more. If he is missing me, we'll find out how much. TOH is putting up boundaries, we'll see if he'll climb them.

Well, it sounds good anyway...LOL

Thanks for listening to a dumb woman babble.

[LL44]

He either wanted to rendevous with OW and needed to know where I was or he wanted to be with me

R talk.

So I didn't say a word

Better.

M: what to torture me

R talk.

M: don't, you can call me any time as long as it's not to be mean

R talk.

See how you are still back and forth?

But I must say, I am so proud of you for the restraint you have shown. You have come a long way. You have grown, you realize you can do this on your own if you have to.

I think he does miss you, but he needs to miss you in the daylight, sober, and rationally before anything will change. I probably would have answered the phone too. I remember having to bite my tongue and not let anything out (anything R wise) and just talking. Very hard. You are getting better.

[theotherhalf]

He either wanted to rendevous with OW and needed to know where I was or he wanted to be with me


R talk.

I knew that, that's why the second time I didn't say a word about my thoughts. You've probably noticed that I am a woman that wears her heart on her sleve. I am very open and honest. Hard to not be someone else.

M: what to torture me



R talk.

Again just being honest.

M: don't, you can call me any time as long as it's not to be mean



R talk.

I don't feel this was R talk. This was me being there for him as a freind, any time

And yes I know I am back and forth, but I think that I am taking more steps forward now days. And I feel the distance between H and I growing. He is staying stuck and I am slowing leaving the sh*t hole we've been stuck in.

and your right. my H spins the worst in the dark, drunk and irrational. That is also when he contacts OW. It doesn't seem to bother him at all to not see me or talk to me during the daylight and sober.

I don't know what to talk to my H about anymore. I don't want to talk R. I don't want to pursue by asking about how he is or what he's doing. I don't want to tell him my stuff again pursueing, want him to ask. I don't want to always just talk about bills and applying pressure. I'm pretty much at a loss for words with him anymore.

Thanks LWB

[LL44]

I'm pretty much at a loss for words with him anymore.

Oh I totally understand!!!! Maybe when he mentioned going to his niece's, you can say "What did you guys do?" and let him talk. Enjoy his conversation without strings. Your H is funny, right? So enjoy his humor. I found myself relaxing (even now), when I just listen and don't talk too much.

Please don't get me wrong, I think you are doing so well. I am glad it doesn't hurt as much for you. I know its still a daily ache, the loss and fear, but its not as debilitating anymore. I am happy for you.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks lwb, when H did tell me about going to niece's I did ask what was going on there. Who was there? Etc. He talked, I listened. A real change for me but I'm learning more and more every day. The other day we were talking on the phone and he asked if I was still there. I chuckled and say ya, just listening.

I am happy for me too. The pain IS still there. But everytime I feel it, I tell myslef to stop and think of something else.

[theotherhalf]

March 3rd, 1984 I started this life with my H. That night there was another girl there after him as well. I was second from the beginning and i should have ran like hell. But no, I won that night I guess because I was easier. Ha, I always believed it was fate.

Here I am 25 years later and I am second best again. This time I will lose because I am too complicated and my H is a coward.

funny how history repeats itself...

[theotherhalf]

Good Morning DB friends,

I've been coming here and reading. Keeping up with everyones' threads. But really have not had much to tell you about my own. I have been doing okay. Doing a better job I guess of letting go and not dwelling on what H is doing/said/etc. Nothing of any importance has changed really anyway so same ol same ol.

Then this past week H stirs me up again...(sorry this will be long)
It started over the last couple of weeks with him calling me on the weekends. Drunk and for reasons unknown. Last Sunday early am he had asked me to come in and bring him breakfast, I told him no it was 5am and he was very drunk. I went in later in the day because I had to run some errands and needed his checks for the week. I knew that he would not be out because he'd been up all night and had to work that night. I took him breakfast and we had a very good visit for a little while. I got the distict impression he was wanting me to stay and to have more than breakfast. I didn't stick around long enough or give him the opportunity to ask. The next few days I talked to him on the phone again and he was really in a sour mood.

I think it was Thurs. am he stopped in after work. No reason, just did. He was very ticked off at the world it seemed. I was really confused. If he's so p*ssed at me, why stop. After he left I had to know and called him. I asked him what was wrong. He of course said "nothing". I asked him why he's so angry. He said he didn't know and that it was not me. When I got home from work that night he came to do chores (been doing them early in the day when I am not home). He still had an attitude but stuck around for awhile. Sat outside with the girls and I. Then home to nap and go to work. Talked to him Fri am, again, his mood had not changed.

Sat morning I did a stupid thing. I really had good intentions. He's needing a "healthy" deversion, I am definately needing one, so I sent him a TM. Asked him if he'd like to go to a whitetail classic in nearby city. He didn't respond. Then about 45 min later he goes by to do chores. (never ever out and about this early in the day). He came afterwards. He was really concidering going. But the longer he sat here, the more he was deciding not to. In the end he said no. He was tired and had to be back by 5. I set myself up to be rejected AGAIN and didn't take it well at all. I called him, we spent the next hour on the phone. Talking R talk and resolved nothing. I don't know why he wouldn't go, I have a couple guesses, I know that it wasn't because he didn't want to. 1)it was in the town that OW's mom lives in and they've had many rendevous there, maybe he couldn't go there with me 2)he was afraid I'd read more into it than what it was. In the end it really doesn't matter and I should have never asked. I hurt the rest of the day/night.

I cried myself to sleep. Then at 1 am H calls. He had just gotten home from a night out with the guys. We talked a bit. It was obvious he was wanting me to come in. I never suggested and he never asked. After we hung up I sent him a TM "sweet dreams cheezballs (nick name he uses)". He sent one back "come in". I sent "you have no idea how much I want you, but in the morning it will hurt too bad, I need more" he sent "good night". I should have left it at that. I called him. He said he just thought if I wanted to I could come in watch a movie with him and hang out, but whatever. I told him I wanted to but it would lead to more. He said, up to you. We hung up and I stayed home. If he wants to be with me, he knows what he needs to do. 2:30 he calls again. I didn't answer. He calls again. I answered. He said he just called to say goodnight. I asked him why he's playing games with me. He said he's not, that he called me first and if I'm not coming in all he has to do is make a phone call. I told him I know. He laughed. I said, I am not that easy, and I am not a whore, he made the wrong call. He said oooh ok good night.

Wow, this hurts. How did my H become so shallow, so cruel, so hurtful? If he doesn't want to be with me, why on earth does he feel the need to make me jealous? What is the point? Why does he have to taut me? And if OW only knew what is really going on with him. I almost feel sorry for her as well. My H really has lost his mind.

I am so thankful I have this place to vent.

[theotherhalf]

did everyone here leave me?...

[theotherhalf]

Yesterday I went in to H's to get his checks for the week. He apologized for Sat night (early am). Said he should have never called. I told him never to apologize for calling, that he can call me anytime but don't call me to hurt me or give me hell. I told him why I did not come in. He just nodded and said nothing. I had to run errands in nearby town. Asked him if he wanted to go along. He agreed. We did what we needed to do. Ate lunch at Hardees and I dropped him back off at home. I probably won't hear or see from him the rest of the week.