Maybe I should be in piecing part 6?

[Hope4us]

I know you guys are all frustrated with me. Let me explain where I'm coming from and if you still want to be p*ssed, so be it.

At this point, I don't have any options as far as separating. We would take a bath on the house (in this market, probably couldn't get what we owe on it) and if we did separate where we live NOW, I have no family or close friends. My boss is working on a transfer for me. Don't know when it's going to happen, but assuming some time this year.

So given that, I've decided to just keep doing what I'm doing until that transfer happens.

So lets say I confront her and she is still in contact with OM and lies to me about it, which she would, then what am I going to do? Call her a lier and throw her out? Nope. Call her a lier and tell her I'm moving out? Nope.

She's obviously hugely conflicted. As I read over and over on these boards, I can't control her, but I can control myself. So if I ask her what's going on and she lies, what are my options? Am I going to cause a huge conflict in our home based on what I THINK is going on? That I have trouble with. In my job and in my life, I deal with FACTS. Is her having a couple down days equate to a fact that she's in contact with OM? Not in my book. Might be a pretty good assumption, but it's not a fact. There are other things that could have caused those down days. Maybe it's an anniversary of some sorts for them and she's bumming. Maybe she's realizing she does want to make it work with me and is dealing with that. Maybe she did have contact with OM and it didn't go as she planned and if that's the case, it's good for me. Maybe they've been in contact all along and he finally showed his true colors and now she's p*ssed at him. If that's the case, it's good for me. How many times have I read here and on another board that there are almost always slip ups and contact is made after NC is claimed? Almost always.

I know you guys are all convinced that she's talking to him. I'm pretty convinced too. But if I choose to ignore that, for now, what am I hurting? S16 is doing so much better. Grades are up. He's excited looking for colleges. He's got an ever expanding group of friends here.

The other thing I'm dealing with is a mentapausal wife. I have talked extensively with my brother and my friend D about how my SIL and how D was going through it. They've both told me that there are times when you just can't figure out WTH is going on and you get in these moods and you know you're F'd up, but you just can't control it. What if that's what's going on in my W's moods? Am I going to confront her on talking to OM and cause that conflict when it could be mentapause?

One other thing I think about A LOT. Let's assume my W is a true WAW. In my opinion, a true WAW situation requires a different plan than a spouse that is pretty much happily married and gets involved in an affair. And I don't think a true WAW is going to respond to PRESSURE. Just ask them. Let's assume in my W's mind, I was/am controlling. I don't see it, but there are things that I do/have done that I could see in her F'd up state she would call controlling. So is my confronting her about what I THINK may be contact and the conflict that will cause going to further my goal of saving my marriage? I feel like even if we had a fairly happy marriage before the A, that W convinced herself that it was BAD and that turned her into a WAW. So is pressuring her the right way to go when right now I don't really have any options if she would step up and say "yes, I'm talking to him"? If she said that, I would respond, when my boss finds me a job back at the corporate office, S16 and I are moving. Uh...that's the same thing I'm going to do anyway, so why take the chance on that conflict/pushing her away for something I don't know FOR FACT is going on?

She needs to figure this out on her own. Would it help if I pushed her in that direction? Maybe yes, maybe no. But RIGHT NOW, I don't have many options for what I do with that push IF she is talking to OM.

Not too long ago, both WDID and Sandi said they saw my W making progress and I probably just was too close to the situation to see the progress she's making. And WDID has said many times that the pull of OM is strong. So should I expect W to be perfect and not have bouts of missing him?

I've thought long and hard about the events of the last year. EVERY TIME we make progress, it's when we're away/out of town/on the weekend/on vacation at home. I just have to feel that the more times we're away and really CONNECT, that W will figure it out. Will there come a time where I need to push it? Maybe so. But until I have an option for drawing the line in the sand, doesn't it make sense to "act as if" she's not in contact with OM? Won't it be even more effective in saving our marriage if I continue to show her what we COULD be and when the transfer comes, if we're not where I NEED us to be, then make the move without her and set my requirements for any reconcilation?

Ok, you get my drift. And just so everyone knows, after we got home from the college visit, W took a long nap and when she got up, she was fine. We talked and had a good evening. She slept in bed last night.

And you guys may think I'm crazy, but tomorrow is our 24th anniversary. That's what I got the trip for. If this is our last anniversary together, I'm going to make it a good one. I'm doing that for me as much as for her. I don't want to look back and think, ya know, if I'd have just given her a little longer we might have made it. And since nothing really changes whether I know NOW if she's still talking to OM, what difference does it make?

PLUS, I WANT TO GO TO FLORIDA. And I really do have a blast with her while we're there. So if I want to take a trip with her because I really do enjoy her company, despite where our marriage is, I will.

I really do appreciate everyone's concern. The friends I've made on here are very special to me. And I feel like you all are my friends, because strangers wouldn't 2x4 me like you all! But I've got to do this in my own way. If you want to quit posting to me because you're frustrated, that's ok. I really understand. But for now, I have to do this my way.