Thanks. I was listening to this heartbreakingly beautiful piece of music when I wrote that post. It was just this abstract notion that came to me as I was listening to the music - that there is this depth of feeling that humans can reach and we do it in music, painting, all art really and love. It occurred to me, in that moment, that we have to love ourselves enough first to be open to it.
I have been on a journey of learning to love myself, by myself and I guess I was feeling that love last night.
I am sorry, I have been remiss in keeping up with you. Need to get over to your thread to see how you are. Glad to hear from you!
Tawnya,
Made some excellent progress - all clothes except those needed are packed, next is the kitchen and the art. That'll be about all for now. Since Z is moving back into the house, he is letting me store things here, which takes some of the pressure off of me.
{{{V}}} oh THAT is good so you don't have to really rush and it be ridiculous..tho I know you'd probably like to get as much as you need so you don't have to be dealing with getting in there when you find you need this or that..
Good tonight, just posted about my fun night of silliness with my kids LOL
Hey..think it'll snow tomorrow/Monday?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
You know, it's getting like Chicago here (okay not even kind of) - snow on March 1st? Remind me why I am putting up with the bugs from hell if it is going to snow in March?
This may be the longest stretch for me without posting on my own thread, though I have continued reading and posting to others.
I have been packing for the last three weekends. I just finished putting nearly thirteen years of living in 18 boxes, 15 bags and what will amount to 1 truck-full of furniture. Seems odd to reduce it to that. Of course, in my heart and mind, it is more.
As I was busy packing, it was pretty easy really. I am still very reconciled to non-reconciliation, it is best for me. That said, now that it is done, some sadness has surfaced, but, how could it not?
Since my last series of posts, I have met with my IC and started working on my abandonment issues. He is extremely solution-oriented and I have a good set of exercises already to start my work. Goal: never, ever cling to, or stay in a relationship with a man solely because I do not want to experience the feeling of abandonment. IC said something very simple to me but it has resonated for days, and that is, we avoid feelings we fear, but if we walk into the fear and feel the feelings, we quickly learn that not only does it not kill us, but it is actually quite a bit easier to handle than anticipated.
As for Z, he is in a strange place and he is incredibly unhappy. It is very hard to be his friend - very hard. He has met someone and has developed what he believes to be very deep feelings for her. He says his feelings are not returned. That said, from what he describes, she is the sort of person who derives her self-esteem from the attention of men and will create whatever drama necessary to get it. It has been very hard to be his friend through this process of his - not because I am jealous, I am not. I do love him, probably always will, but am no longer in love with him. Rather, it is difficult because someone I believed to be very strong and full of self-respect is allowing himself to be treated very poorly. But, that is his journey, so I am learning how to listen and not get involved.
More disturbing for me is seeing him through the eyes of a woman no longer in love. A brief aside, I am learning that healthy love allows us to see our partners as they are, not as we wish them to be. It is becoming so clear to me that I spent years seeing Z as I wanted him to be. But he is not as I saw him. He is the weak, lonely and sad man I see before me and I think he has been this way for a very long time. This is not to insult him. I think he is these things because he will not accept himself. Leaving me was the first step, but I am not seeing a whole lot of follow through - he has a tough row to hoe and seems to be working with his hands alone. He will be bloodied before his journey is through, but, then, that seems to be true for most all of us.
I am learning to set boundaries for this friendship. The kinder I am, the more he seems to take from me and that is not okay. He seems to need me to act as his conscience and that I cannot and will not do. He also needs me to play a role - the broken little bird that I was when he met me. That is who he loved. The more I grow, the more I heal, the more I regain my independence and vitality, the more he fights to fit me back into that mold because, I think, it helps him feel more comfortable in his skin. I think he is naked right now, looking for himself and not liking what he sees, so he fights to keep us in our roles. I cannot and will not go back there with him, even as friends.
I am not trying to be cryptic, I just do not think the details of his actions add to the point, which is, this is my journey and my process and nothing he does or asks of me will take me from my path, so I am working to figure out how to be kind to me and to him without losing myself in the process. There is, simply, always more work to be done.
Hi V, I'm in such a different place than you...which makes reading your posts so very interesting. B and I are not anywhere near the friendship stage - as she continues to express just far too much anger - but I find it so very interesting that you have to work on setting boundaries for your friendship.
I def agree that a healthy love means seeing our partners for who they are - not for what we might wish them to be.
How are things going with the move? And how are you doing with your journey?
It's good to hear from you. I am doing just fine. I am all packed and ready to move. The movers come this Saturday and then, that's it, new space for the new V. I am really looking forward to it. It has been very trying to be surrounded by old memories, good and bad, in our house.
My journey, hmmm...it is one of incredible learning. I have felt great pain and sadness, as well as some moments of joy and excitement, too. It feels, overall, like one of those steadily climbing bar graphs - you know the ones where there may be temporary dips but even the dips are higher than the last stage. Not sure I am describing that well but I cannot draw it here.
I am really curious to see how I will feel once I have settled into my new space. You are further down the road on that portion of your journey. I will be interested to see how you are doing as you post about your new place.
Well, life continues and I have plans tonight so, off I go.
Thanks for staying with me, it is good to have friends here.
