I feel so lost and so tired

[steady]

I dont' even know where to start. I never picture myself posting in a place like this.

None of us ever do.

My thoughts are all over the place these days, and there is so much to tell, so I'll just try to give a big picture.

Scattered thoughts are normal.

And I think we both withdrew from each other more and things would get worse, although ironically, we both wanted the same thing in the first place.

It's typical in your situation - if you read around you'll see the same thing in different forms here.

And we also did have the fights about such things as helping with the chores around the house, which I do realize that I didnt' do my part in, but all of which ties into other bad cycles of things we were doing to each other inadvertantly.

I too suffered the same thing - not responding to her complaints about help around the house. Although I wasn't totally missing from it.

...she has no feelings for me now.

Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see. This is typical script for a WAS. Most often it is true. They have buried their feelings and built a wall around them.[/quote]

And according to her, she even sees all the positive changes I have made in the past few months, but she just doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on cause she sees no possibility of loving me again.

I got the same speech.

What hurts even more is that she says between her past IC and reading self help books, and self reflection, she realizes that she never really loved me that much in the beginning.

This is re-writing the past. Typical script. I got the same speech too.

I'm trying to just chaulk that comment up to her state of mind right now, or else I think feelings of anger, hurt or mistrust will start to grow in my head.

Don't chalk it up to anything. Just let go of it as if it was never said. It means nothing.

But I have been trying to focus on improving myself, and have in the past few weeks learned that I do need to stop 'pursuing' and let her have space.

Don't try focusing on improving yourself. Just DO it. Stop the pursuit. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Even if you are thinking about it but not physically doing it, then it will still ooze out of you and she will read it. I did this very same thing for a long time. It took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to actually drop the rope.

We were in MC together for the past month, but we had our last session last night. She doesn't want to do it anymore. She says she doesnt' get anything out of it, and is already 'healed' from her past IC and doesnt' need to work on healing for the marriage anymore...and that she now only wants time and space to think and maybe see if she even misses me.

Here she is telling you what she needs - time and space. Give it to her.

Since we started the MC, I know she didnt' really want to do go. Its ironic cause she wanted us to go for MC a long time ago, but I didn't really know we had such serious issues and didnt' know why we would need to see an MC. And now we are in the reverse position.

You will see the role reversal happening alot. It's typical. I saw it in my situation in alot of different ways.

I am halfway through reading the DR book, and I am trying to stay strong, but it is hard.....really, really hard.

It is hard, but necessary. You need to find the strength. Find it like your life depends on it.

Now, it seems we barely talk except for small talk for 30min at dinner time. We have no physical contact. It used to be her putting our son to bed and falling asleep in his bed, while I was all alone hoping she would come back downstairs to spend time. But now I have been putting our son to bed and sleeping in his bed, just cause I'm so tired all the time now, and I want to give her space.

Just give her space. Don't think about giving her space. Just give it to her. No physical contact is normal. Don't yearn for it or she will feel that pursuing. You think you can hide it, but you can't. You have to get to the detached mindset. It's very simple, but so hard to do.

I wrote this on my thread a week or so ago:

To me (now) detachment means:

1. To not care what the outcome will be. And I mean really not care - not just lip service because it's not heading south. When my sitch was heading north, it was easy to convince myself I was detached because the horizon looked good. It was a false sense of detachment, it was actually comfortability disguised as detachment - because it looked like it was going to work out the way I wanted it to.

The only way you'll know that you're really detached is that no matter which way the situation seems to be headed you will feel the same way - no rollercoaster ride. If you get there, then you're really detached.

2. To detach from your own feelings about the situation. Don't let your feelings dictate how you are going to feel/act or what you're going to say. As a LBS our feelings are often attached to our spouse in such an unhealthy way that we are focused more on interpreting their actions, guessing their thoughts and feelings, trying to control their thoughts/feelings/actions by what we do/say.

I see it so much in my behavior over the last 9 months since the bomb dropped. I used WAY TOO MUCH energy thinking about things that I couldn't control, thinking about the future by doing negative projection, trying to take the temperature of the sitch, trying to guess what my W was thinking/feeling, interpreting her behaviors and trying to establish a connection between her actions and her thoughts/feelings. I have to say, I never guessed right. So put an end to it RIGHT NOW.

3. To detach from your spouse. And I mean really detach. When you: Aren't thinking about what she may be thinking, aren't concerned about what she is doing, aren't snooping to find out information, aren't trying to gauge which direction she is heading in relation to your sitch, aren't adjusting your actions to have an 'effect' on your W, aren't doing things to elicit a response, aren't focused on her issues, aren't focused on her behavior, aren't gauging your self-worth based on what you perceive to be her feelings about you - then you'll know you have detached from her.

When you get a life for yourself. Do the things you like to do without any thought of how it will in some way 'improve' your chances of reconciliation. When you stand up and keep your head high no matter what is going on around you. When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome. Then you will have detached.

Anything else is a false sense of detachment. It will be many things disguised as detachment. So be wary of when you think you are detached. If things head south, then you'll really know if you are or not.

I dont' know what to do or what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I'm so confused.

You know EXACTLY what you need to do. You wrote it a few times above. DETACH and GIVE HER SPACE.[/quote]

I've changed many things as a person recently, and I think she has noticed...which is good.

Forget about her noticing. Do it for you - because it makes you a better person. It has to be for YOU and not some attempt to get her to change her mind or feelings.

But I don't know if her stopping with the MC last night changes things for the worse or not since she never wanted to do the MC anyway. But I think the fact that she says she needs space to think and see if she can miss me is a sign that she isn't 100% decided to divorce yet, but it still feels like she's 99% decided.

Here you are trying to:

1. Guess the future - what does it mean long term if she stopped MC? No one can answer this - you would need a crystal ball. And I haven't found on yet. So let go of this thinking. Mental masturbation.

2. Mind Read - You can't know what percentage she is at either way. You are trying to read her mind by listening to her words and actions. Drop this also. Again, mental masturbation.

One of the things she mentioned in MC is that she doesn't like the way I communicate with her. Although I never mean to communicate in a way that makes her feel bad, but I guess it comes across that way. And the counselor asked her if it would help if that changed, and she said maybe. So I think I also will be trying to find a good book on better communication habits/techniques.

Go find those answers. Then change. But change for you, again, not to change the sitch or her thoughts or feelings. It has to be about YOU.

You can probably tell that my thoughts are all over the place. And they are. I have been so lost, so lonely, so confused, so everything you can think of for the past couple months.

Same as everyone else who finds themselves here.

I dont' know if she has any idea how much she really means to me and how much I love her, and I dont' know if she even cares anymore.

Again this is all about her. Her thoughts, her feelings, her caring or not. Drop this thinking. It doesn't matter right now. You can't read her mind, you can't control anything in this except YOURSELF - your actions/thoughts/feelings. Work on those.

I dont' really have anyone to talk to. My close friends have all moved away, and I dont' feel that close to them anymore. And I dont' want to tell family about this cause I don't want them to think negatively about her in the chance that we do make it through this.

You need to talk to someone. Start individual counseling for yourself. Be wary of family - they will only want to see you stop hurting - they may not understand fully what you are trying to do. If you have someone you can trust, then talk to them. Stay away from talking to her family about it. Don't use anyone to 'get' a message through to her. She will only resent it.

I don't know if I should be or can be doing anything else right now except improve myself, try to fix any 'flaws' in myself that contributed to the situation I'm in, and just be cordial and give her her space for now.

Just focus on what you wrote here. Become that man she fell in love with and more. Do it for you though. This isn't about saving your M. This is about saving yourself no matter which way the situation goes.

Though I'm partly posting just to talk cause I feel I have noone to talk to, any thoughts would be appreciated. And any recommendations of a good book to be a better communicator would be appreciated too.

Keep posting. Journal your thoughts and ideas. Don't do anything until you post it here and get feedback from all the great people here. Keep your mouth shut and don't get baited into R or M talks. I MEAN THAT. I made this mistake too many times.

Journal your everyday stuff if you don't have anything else to journal. Especially post if you feel you have backslid or made a mistake. You won't be perfect, but be very cognizent about what you think about - your thinking will drive your emotions, and you don't want to act from emotions.