Quote: to think what a fool i was, and what a fool i believe i am now.
Lord have I been there...done that...
From Bomb Day to about three months ago I found myself standing in the shower on dozens of occassions torturing myself with that very issue. I went to sleep and woke up with that on my mind. I felt duped. I felt like a sap. I hated knowing "I'd let him get over on me."
THAT WAS MY PRIDE that was talking. I realize now that all the duplicity and deceitfulness, wasn't PERSONAL, it IS part of the tragedy of As and MLC. I also got to a point here in the last few months that I finally had to OWN my part in the deception. LONG before I KNEW there'd been an A I suspected it. BUT, for whatever reason, including the fact that I was so caught up in my own withdrawal from my M and R, I let 'sleeping dogs lie.' I didn't want to 'face' the truth that my H might be cheating because then I'd have to accept the fact that MY fantasy was over.
I'm not beating myself up over being 'conned' anymore because I actually have stepped away from taking it personally (sounds nuts I know) and now see it as the 'sickness' (if you will) of the mindset of As and MLC.
MY ANGER is mostly directed at ME. I'm being forced, kicking and screaming into accepting MY ROLE in the down spiral of our M and R and how, even though I accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for his decision to cheat, the two or so years before his A I had grown distant and had stopped making my M a priority. HE was not my first priority, I WAS. I went on autopilot. I saw us slipping further and further apart and yet, I did nothing, comfortable in the "fantasy" that I was untouchable. So much so that even when I 'thought' he might be cheating, part of me actually didn't even care, because I didn't love him at that time.
I have so many issues to work out for myself. I have to deal with the demons that shut me down as a wife long before my H shut down as a faithful husband.
There's this 'need' for 'payback' that I spew, but then again there's no need at all. I vacilate from one day to the next, one hour to the next. My emotions run the full gamet, to often out of my control. So that is what I HAVE to learn to do....control them.
YOU'LL get to ANGRY when the time is right. There's no short cut through this process unfortunately. I wish there was because I'm exhausted by it.
I want to wake up happy and content again. I want to wake up SAFE in the knowledge that my H is with me and here to stay for the rest of our natural lives, I just don't know yet whether or not that's going to be possible for him OR for ME. T2
