Positives Round-up Roping in a new R

[imalright]

I'm sick to death of being told that we have to suck it up so that THEY won't have to feel guilty...ah, poor babies...

I think our H will realize what they have done and on their own they have to deal with the guilt of what they have done. If you made a mistake, do you think someone should remind you daily about it, throw it in your face constantly "what a bad person" you are? Remind you of the pain you caused, and whomever you hurt has "to make you pay for it" until they feel you've paid the price? Have you done something you were sorry for? Regreted it, showed your remorse? Don't be the judge and jury here! Your H has and is still paying and will have to live with what he has done until the day he dies. You can't say I don't know what you are going through, because I'm in a worse hell than you, right now my H doesn't want me. It's your life and it's your choice. NO ONE says we have to "suck it up" what they are saying is forgive! If you can't forgive him, then move on.

Personally I don't care how guilty my H feels, he damn well should. And if it makes his life 1/2 as miserable as he made mine the past year then as far as I'm concerned that is some justice at least.

No one says your H is not miserable. By all means, let me hand you my 2 x 4, you can have it, keep it, go for it! I won't be using it ever again. Sometimes we have to learn for ourselves and others can't help us by hitting us with facts. So I resign with the 2 x 4. Put it to better use.That's right beat the sh*t out of your H, make him pay, go ahead, if it will make you feel better!

I'm not going to pay with every ounce of pain I can endure and "pray" that my poor misguided H can some how come thru this hell that he created unscathed.

Then move on, because if you are sure you don't want to save your M. Then don't. If this is how you feel, do what is right for you. If that means you can't forgive your H, then "throw in the towel". Move on.

And if that makes for no reconciliation, then so be it.
I'm willing to forgive and forget (eventually)

Are you willing to forgive? We never forget. Eventually? From this post it sounds like you can't forgive and you don't want to save your M.

If he gets a 'free pass' on this....then there is no limit to what he'll interpret as HIS RIGHT to persue self gratification in the future. And I'm damn sure not giving him that 'pass' at my expense.

You are very bitter here and I hope that you get it all out. Frankly, I am surprised at you! I never thought that you felt this way. I thought you loved your H.
This is not about making someone "PAY" is it? There is a lot of hostility here. I know I have days of depression and at first I wanted H to "pay". Maybe this is a healing stage for you.
Now I know why you told me to see the OP Saturday. I didn't because I knew for me it wasn't right for me. I don't want my H to "pay" I can see my H is now living with the guilt. And in the end I would be the one who "payed" the price. That's his own hell. Me I want to feel better about myself. And I don't mean that in a selfish way either.
I only hope you can find your "inner peace". And get off of the ride you are now on.
Hope you are feeling better, and I'm sorry if what I sent you upset you! I sent you this post to help you see that "other side" to help you understand. But it seems I stired up a hornet's nest! Sorry! I didn't mean to butt in and make you feel bad about yourself.
Your life, your decision.

[Trying24now]

Deb,

Yep, think I'm in an 'anger stage'....and that's okay because MY feelings good, bad or indifferenct are just as valid as ANY that my H had. It's like purging the poison by letting all that 'junk' come spewing out. I have to put it somewhere because I can't hold it in anymore and pretend that it's not there. Damn right I'm angry, I'm also scared, hurt, hopeful, happy AND, in and out of love....and that was just in the last hour
T2

[lostlove]

Deb,

Yep, think I'm in an 'anger stage'....and that's okay because MY feelings good, bad or indifferenct are just as valid as ANY that my H had. It's like purging the poison by letting all that 'junk' come spewing out. I have to put it somewhere because I can't hold it in anymore and pretend that it's not there. Damn right I'm angry, I'm also scared, hurt, hopeful, happy AND, in and out of love....and that was just in the last hour
T2

a kindred spirit!!
it certainly is ok to have such feelings and understandable that they will fluctuate for some time as you try to work your way through them....

is there a positive plan to work through them? a way to positively work through them and move to a better place with or without h?

LL

[KutieKat]

i wish i could get into the "anger" stage.

i think i have just come to a revelation of where my negativity has come from over the last two weeks. i am feeling very FOOLISH right now, hurting to think about all the times i knew something was not right about my h relationship with the ow and they would BOTH just tell me i was thinking too much - i have been having dreams about them being together and laughing cause they "got away with it" one more time. oh, she doesn't suspect a thing, we are ok for a few more weeks and then do whatever people having affairs do.

i am really hurting right now, all over again. to think what a fool i was, and what a fool i believe i am now.

i want to be angry, but i can't stop crying.

t2, teach me to be angry

kitti

[lostlove]

i wish i could get into the "anger" stage.

i think i have just come to a revelation of where my negativity has come from over the last two weeks. i am feeling very FOOLISH right now, hurting to think about all the times i knew something was not right about my h relationship with the ow and they would BOTH just tell me i was thinking too much - i have been having dreams about them being together and laughing cause they "got away with it" one more time. oh, she doesn't suspect a thing, we are ok for a few more weeks and then do whatever people having affairs do.

i am really hurting right now, all over again. to think what a fool i was, and what a fool i believe i am now.

i want to be angry, but i can't stop crying.

t2, teach me to be angry

kitti

kitti,

I honestly believe that most of us just hide our hurt and shame in anger at least I know that is what is hiding behind my anger.

LL

[imalright]

T2,
That's my girl, recognize what is going on and embrace it!
I'm here waiting for you at the end of the tunnel! T2, over here! Don't feel bad I'm going through stages too. I go through back and forth like a ping pong ball. Stop being mad feel the pain, happiness, whatever you are feeling. Cry if you have to, I sure have been cleansing myself lately! Join the club, get out the poison. Because guess what someone else is here waiting for you, with love in his heart, for you. That's right, it's your H! I think he is a pretty good guy right now. He is sorry and he wants your forgiveness. So what do you say, how about this weekend, can you make it? Or do you need another week?
Deb

[Trying24now]

Kitti,

to think what a fool i was, and what a fool i believe i am now.

Lord have I been there...done that...

From Bomb Day to about three months ago I found myself standing in the shower on dozens of occassions torturing myself with that very issue. I went to sleep and woke up with that on my mind. I felt duped. I felt like a sap. I hated knowing "I'd let him get over on me."

THAT WAS MY PRIDE that was talking. I realize now that all the duplicity and deceitfulness, wasn't PERSONAL, it IS part of the tragedy of As and MLC. I also got to a point here in the last few months that I finally had to OWN my part in the deception. LONG before I KNEW there'd been an A I suspected it. BUT, for whatever reason, including the fact that I was so caught up in my own withdrawal from my M and R, I let 'sleeping dogs lie.' I didn't want to 'face' the truth that my H might be cheating because then I'd have to accept the fact that MY fantasy was over.

I'm not beating myself up over being 'conned' anymore because I actually have stepped away from taking it personally (sounds nuts I know) and now see it as the 'sickness' (if you will) of the mindset of As and MLC.

MY ANGER is mostly directed at ME. I'm being forced, kicking and screaming into accepting MY ROLE in the down spiral of our M and R and how, even though I accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for his decision to cheat, the two or so years before his A I had grown distant and had stopped making my M a priority. HE was not my first priority, I WAS. I went on autopilot. I saw us slipping further and further apart and yet, I did nothing, comfortable in the "fantasy" that I was untouchable. So much so that even when I 'thought' he might be cheating, part of me actually didn't even care, because I didn't love him at that time.

I have so many issues to work out for myself. I have to deal with the demons that shut me down as a wife long before my H shut down as a faithful husband.

There's this 'need' for 'payback' that I spew, but then again there's no need at all. I vacilate from one day to the next, one hour to the next. My emotions run the full gamet, to often out of my control. So that is what I HAVE to learn to do....control them.

YOU'LL get to ANGRY when the time is right. There's no short cut through this process unfortunately. I wish there was because I'm exhausted by it.

I want to wake up happy and content again. I want to wake up SAFE in the knowledge that my H is with me and here to stay for the rest of our natural lives, I just don't know yet whether or not that's going to be possible for him OR for ME.
T2

[Trying24now]

LL,

You asked:

is there a positive plan to work through them? a way to positively work through them and move to a better place with or without h?

I wish I knew. That's my problem, I can't seem to come up with a plan so I keep spinning like a top with no direction.
Any suggestions?
T2

[Trying24now]

Deb,

I'm stealing this from the e-mail I sent you to use as my journal for tonight.

H came by tonight and grilled for son and I. He has a 'summer cold' and I can tell he doesn't feel well but he stayed for a few hours to eat and visit anyway. He showed me that he's had my name re-tattooed on his r/shoulder. He did it years ago but the color had faded so badly over the years that you could hardly read them anymore. One day a few months ago I mentioned to him that even my name had "faded"...at that time he looked at me like, "SO?"...well, he must have remembered that thru the 'fog' and apparently went this past weekend and had it recolored. Guess that means something. I kept myself in a good mood. I felt I owed him that as crappy as I've been when I've talked to him lately. He spoke in his (what I call) loving tone of voice which is a 'soft' tone with no sense of distance in it. When he was ready to leave he said, "Well, I think I need to go home take some Tylenol and get into bed." I seized on that and said, "That's your PLACE, this is your HOME." And he said, "Did I say that? I'm sorry, I won't say that again."

So although tonight was a 'hands off' quick visit, it was a pleasant one.

Tonight I wasn't super bitch. Thanks DEB

[sunseeker]

T2~
Just caught up....it sounds like you are having quite a range of emotions and that is normal...you have a lot on your plate right now!

IMHO, the best place to vent about these emotions is here. Do you have a C to talk to? That has helped me some, but also just reflecting on things alone and coming here has helped me tremendously. I went through lots of anger...at myself (the dreaded "if onlys"....), at my H, at the entire universe....etc.!!!!!!!!! What you are feeling is very normal!

I think the important thign is not to take this anger out on your H at this delicate time. Sounds like you did a good job tonight! The tattoo story was cute!