It went okay. It was a squadron BBQ at the Security Forces park, so it didn't take long. He didn't say hardly two words to me and we didn't even really look at each other. Everyone else totally ignored me, of course! Just whatever, you know. He texted two hours later and asked if I was okay (what he usually does after he knows I don't feel good about something) and I said fine, even though I should have been honest. Did not want to get into R talk. Just wanted him to leave it alone so that I can let it go.
Kevin, thanks for seeing the side of just washing the slate clean and starting over. I think sometimes LBS want to hold things against spouses for walking away. While I do not think the past should be ignored (doomed to repeat it if so), everyone deserves a clean slate to start new from.
John, I know it's hard, but if you can keep all the things she DID do to you in the forefront (not holding over her head, but just keeping them in your mind), you will be better able to let her go. Him asking me to drop her off in front of all his friends so that he could ignore me was assinine and I will never do it again. He can come pick her up from my class or have someone else do it, but I will not have him treat me like crap in front of his friends again, no matter what I have done. That was just dumb on my part, but I wanted to prove to myself I could. Well, I did. And now I'm not gonna anymore. He'll figure it out. Lots of texting last night. He said he was proud of me for finishing school and I let him know that I could not have done it without the support of him and the kids. Which is true. Tyler has given a lot and the baby doesn't even remember when I wasn't going to school. I am sure she will love this new mom who is totally into her when the degree is finished and the job is gotten.
I don't even go to the house anymore. The girl is still there with all of her stuff, and I just refuse to be around it. I'm not even sure I could live there again.
Today was more class and I had more time to think about my own stitch in this class. It also helps that the prof is there to give feedback and the other students too. He started talking about narcissists a little today (those who love themselves the most, but really it's the image they have of themselves that they love the most) wikipedia.com if you want to know more. But it made me think about something. I have spent the last 14 years almost traipsing around this country and others following him around. I in no way minded Holland, San Angelo, TX or even Minot, ND although that one was cold. I have been ready to leave here since 2002. Would not have gotten my degree so there have been some plusses to being here. I wonder what would happen if in five years, he retires and I say I want to move to Fairhope. I have followed him, why wouldn't he follow me? It made me realize that we have talked about retiring to Texas, but he has also talked about moving to Montana to be near his brother, although this has been more so since the separation. Just things that go through my head.
The rest of it is that the prof and the other students think he is a dry drunk. Not sure about that. Want to read more about it. I want to form my own opinion. They don't live in the stitch, and I don't want to address it unless I can quote it chapter/verse. Really just want to wipe the slate clean. But I know he is going to keep drinking. I want to be fine with that but I know what recidivism rate is too, and I don't want to be there.
Anyway. Thank ya'll for checking on me. I am off to check on ya'll now!
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
