Last year I went to Alanon while my H was attending AA. I went there hopeful that he was dealing with his problem and that we could move forward and live out the dreams we had for our M.
That was interrupted by a medical threat of mine - turned out ok. But it was the second time around - with my response the first time around being to kick him out of my life because of his problem. The second time I felt differently, he was supportive, but after everything was ok he returned to the drinking and acting out. Don't know if it was connected.
So, I was saying, I went to the meetings with hope and as I listened carefully I heard many sad stories and not much hope for things working out. The hope given was that people there could be ok. My M didn't seem like it would last and being newly wed I didn't like that. I felt that the meetings reminded me that my dreams would eventually be dead in the water.
I also listen to people all day for a living, I need to be able to talk at the end of the day if I want to. I found the meetings too restrictive. I got the most support from an accidental attendance at a men's only meeting. They handle things much differently from women.
So, I knew to try different meetings on, but didn't feel the support so much. But I know many people are helped by the meetings and I send people to them all the time.
What I think is different for me is this - I know a lot about A, and co-dependency and psychological problems, I know my issues, at times go with my feelings which sometimes gives me grief afterward. I fight for what I want as hard as possible, I also know what might work and what won't. It just takes time to go through it all. I often wish I could skip steps and get to the end faster, but then I would miss out on the living part.
I understand abuse of all kinds, I know when it is happening, I know what to take and what not to take - I am in charge of my life. I think where I differ from others, it that I am willing to take risks, to believe in the impossible, and keep my wits about me at the same time so I know when to quit and run. It may not be other people's timing.
My H has reasons for his behavior that until now he has not known he could heal from or control. He is working on it. He is doing it for himself, but he did initially for me. He is going through a painful process with a lot of support. My hope is that he finally finds peace with himself. For me, this M has turned me upside down. I have become of aware of the good and bad that is in us and the ones we love.
I don't know where the journey will end. No one I know, supports me continuing in this M who actually knows me. That makes me think a lot more than everyone knows. It hurts me that people feel this way.
I know I will be ok, I don't like what I have to go through. Heck , I dont' like what most people have gone through on this board.
