My situation #8

[steady]

Hi smartcookie. LOL...yeah, if money wasn't an issue.

I've been by you're thread often and I think the big 'debates' that are going on is because no one here likes to see a marriage 'fail'. It's so few times that marriages are pieced back together and get healthy and functional in this place. I'm learning that recently.

So they hold onto any threads that have a chance to 'make it' and then interject by 'helping' those people from not 'quitting'. I understand why you are making the decisions that you are making - they are yours, and yours alone to make. No one has ever walked one step in your shoes and can't tell you how you should feel or what you should do.

On that note...

My W is going from nasty to nice on a continual basis. It's really sad that my M is failing and has gotten to this point. But it is what it is. I would rather turn it around, but right now my W has made up her mind and is intent on going full speed ahead to D. It's her decision to make and not mine. Right now I'm trying to focus on myself and improving. I go to IC every week to get past the self limiting beliefs and self talk that I constantly barrage myself with. It's amazing how much my thoughts act to cut me down.

My W on the other hand doesn't want to do the individual work that it would require for us to build a healthy marriage. The MC even told her on numerous occasions that she needs to work on the baggage that she carried into our relationship that has nothing to do with our R - whether or not our M fails. My W pays lip service to it - "Yeah I know I have issues that I've inherited from my parents. I need to figure out why I pick the men that I pick...blah,blah,blah". But she never does anything about it. She even told the MC a week ago on the phone that she is done with therapy and is never going back to a therapist.

She's blaiming the failed marriage completely on me. It's her right to do that, but she'll just build the same pile of cr@p with someone else. It's inevitable to happen - the cycle continues until we change OURSELVES. And that's exactly what you have done. And I am proud of you smartcookie. You have and continue to do the work on yourself. Unfortunately both our spouses have refused to do their own work.

Because of this, they get left behind. You and I have moved forward and the distance between us and our spouses continues to increase to where the band that holds us together actually snaps. Whether they chose to move ahead and catch up is totally up to them. It's out of my control. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...lol. Oh God does it hurt.

I've watched this phenomenon happen countless of times in my own life.

So cookie, I wish you the best. Please keep stopping by my thread and offer your insights. You are one of those people in here whose advice and opinion I really respect.