You know I think we all wonder about those thoughts.
Quote: The vows reminded me of what my H forgot. I wondered as I sat there listening to the ceremony how would we (my H & I) really 'recapture' that kind of commitment after all this damage, and I'm not sure we can.
I feel as though we've made a mockery of those marital promises we made to each other so many years ago. I fear that those 'words' for us are somehow meaningless now.
I wonder if there really is a way to 'go back.' I wonder if the bridge we've crossed these passed two years isn't collapsed.
Can any of us ever regain our sense of wellbeing and comfort with our S? Can we truely feel loved and secure in that love? Will it ever last or are we doomed for failure again?
It's obvious 1 party wants to work at it and goes the extra mile to keep the M (or at least the R) going. But what about the other party? Is that S always going to "cop out"? Are they ever going to put forth the effort we do???
I'm not trying to dampen your spirits...I just wanted to say I think alot of us wonder about those things every day we get out of bed. Are there any "graduates" of DB'ing that have totally succeeded and are still happily M today? If so, we could stand to hear from them.
Sorry to hijack your thread. Take care and God bless. ~~~Debi
Thank you Debi, your post was NOT a hijack it was a help. That's the reason we post our "thoughts" so we can 'listen' to the opinions and experiences of others similarly situated. It helps Me to 'hear' what others think and feel about all these issues because I know MY own perspectives are tainted by my pain and fears. T2
T2~ Your last two posts were interesting and thought-provoking.
The insight into the "cheater's psyche" was amazing...I am sure it will help many who are dealing with this sitch. I think the same thinking can be applied to a man in a MLC!!
I know how you feel about the wedding...I havn't been to one since all of this occurred, but I am sure I wouldn't be able to sit through one with dry eyes. I think it is great that you are thinking about what it will take to truly get your M back in shape.
Quote: I know that I need "proof" in some way or measure that my H is JUST AS commited as I am this time, or I can not accept a watered down version of what we originally promised one another so many years ago.
I think we all feel this way, in one way or another. IMHO, if you get that commitemnt from BOTH partners, then your M will be STRONGER than it ever was before you started!!! Sounds like something to look forward to....we have learned SO MUCH from these experiences!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Today, I've been a ditz. I just didn't have the strength to DB. I'm in a funk. Maybe it's the wedding yesterday, maybe it's a combination of things since Friday...but I'm in a funk for whatever reason.
Saturday when he came by for coffee, he told me that his plans for today were to go to his morning AA meeting and then onto the bike races. When he said it, I automatically responded with my opinion of that. I said, "I hate that you have to do that, I KNOW the type of women that 'hang around' bikers (meaning of course the movie stereotype version) and I threw in a little sneer for affect. He responded by saying, "If it bothers you, I won't go." And immediately I thought, "oh no brother, you're not putting that on me so you can wallow in the 'she's trying to control me' crap." So I told him, "No, you're a big boy, you're in charge of what YOU do with your life." With a 'tone' that no doubt implied that I didn't TRUST him to have good judgement in those choices. Well, before he left yesterday (and I got ready to go to the wedding) he kissed me goodbye, said "I love you, call me when you get home from the wedding." But I didn't answer him, I was already in a, "NOPE, I'm not calling that damn cell phone of yours so you'll know I'm home like a good little girl and you're god only knows where."
So, I didn't call him last night, and I didn't call him today. He finally called me around 5pm and asked why I hadn't called last night, so I said, "Because I got in to late, that's why." with that ever so obnoxious tone in my voice. So he says, "Okay, I'll call you later before I turn in." Well, he just called and told me he'd met our son for dinner and that he was now back at his place and exhausted and turnig in. I could hardly bring myself to talk to him, god I hate it when I get like this but I can't seem to STOP myself. He ends the call asking if I'll call him in the morning, I say, "Will you be going to work?" And he says, "Yes, I'll be there by 9."
His tone was feeding off my tone...he sounded 'guarded' and I sounded 'indifferent.'
I know that part of this comes from my absolute HATE of his cell phone. I've said before that his cell was a conspirator in his betrayal and NOW I hate it. I don't call it unless absolutely necessary (which is rare anymore). He rents a room so there is no 'house' phone from which to call me, so that cell is his only contact except while he's at work.
The longer we live apart, the harder it is for me to care. I'm sick of fighting 'demons' I can't see that might be there and I'm tired of his feeling that the decision to come 'home' is all his. WELL it's NOT and I want him to know that.
Sorry for the rant, I'm in one of those moods I guess. T2
Boy, can I relate! I hate the fact that H is the one to decide when he is READY to make this marriage a go. I have to be patient and wait, wait, and wait some more.
My H too communicates only with his cell phone. I hate seeing the bill, etc... I too get all snippy with H when I get in a mood. I try to stop myself but it is very hard to control, all the FRUSTRATION is screaming to get out.
My jealousy is starting to come to the surface again, as H started acting class today and his partner is a female.
I'll say a prayer for you and me both. When it all comes down, that's one constant we have!!! nik
Ugh, I know the frustration you no doubt feel about your H having a female acting partner...just what YOU don't need right now. However, I hope that he will stay the course of your attempt to renew your R and not allow it to be anything more than a professional relationship.
I'll be ordering myself some duct tape, shall I get some for you as well? T2
Yes, please get me some duct tape, I'll pay extra for overnight shipping. While your at it, maybe some dark sunglasses too, so H won't see my frowning eyebrows!
I am glad that H is starting to feel more comfortable talking to me and is really opening up. But now, wow, how do I handle what he tells me when the green eyed monster wants to take over?
Right now, I really need to get the hang of the stop sign technique. It would be easier if I didn't care so much. nik
T2, Just catching up on your posts. I love the "fly on the locker room wall story!" Gave me a lot of understanding on the man's part! Here is something that was posted on MLC. It's from Men are from Mars...
Quote: When a relationship ends, we cling to the hope of reconciliation sometimes to cope with our fears and insecurity. This holding onto hope protects us from having to confront our fears and from feeling the depth of our loss. As long as we believe we may get back together, we do not have to consider starting over. Although we may experience some relief, living in the hope of getting back together actually prevents us from completing the healing process. Living in hope prevents us from facing our fears and then letting go of our insecurity.
Even if there really is some hope of reconciliation, the best way to open that door is first to acknowledge emotinally that right now it is not only closed, but locked. We need to let go of hope in order to feel fully and release our pain. Although this is the best thing we can do for ourselves, it is also the best way to unlock the door of reconciliation.
When a relationship ends, it can only be rebuilt on a new foundation of understanding and forgiveness. As long as we are holding on to our hurt, then we have not fully forgiven our partner. When we continue to hurt, it can cause our parnter to continue feeling guilty. Anything we say or do to make him feel guilty will only make it more difficult for him to find a desire to return.
If reconcilitation is to happen, both partners must change or correct themselves in some way. By fully grieving the end of a relationship, we are eventually able to release our hurt with forgiveness, understanding, and gratitude. By releasing our pain, we are able to find an inner strength and trust that we can get the love we need.
With this new unattatched awareness, we are no longer meedy, desperate, clingy, anxious, or insecure. In this healthy state of mind and heart, we are then capable of making the necessary adjustments in ourselves either to attract our partner back or to recognize that he is not right for us. By successfully grieving the end of a relationship, we are able to either reconcile or to find a new and better relationship with ourselves.
When I read this I realized we have to let go of the past and start over with a new R with our H. I thought of it when I was reading your posts. You haven't fully let go. You haven't forgiven yourself or your H. I think that is why you can't start a new R with your H. Let go of the pain and the past, or you will get stuck there and not be able to move in the right direction. Your H wants to, but you are stuck. And you haven't forgiven him, come to grips with it! He has grown and you are still in the hole! Come on T2, will it help if I reach down and help pull you out! Let go of the bitterness and if you have to get out the duct tape, sometimes I think I could use some! Deb
I found the Men Are From Mars post interesting in that MY interpretation of it is ANOTHER....tough luck girl, get over it, move on, and stop making your man feel bad for being an immoral loser just because he cheated on you.
I'm sick to death of being told that we have to suck it up so that THEY won't have to feel guilty...ah, poor babies...
Quote: Anything we say or do to make him feel guilty will only make it more difficult for him to find a desire to return.
Personally I don't care how guilty my H feels, he damn well should. And if it makes his life 1/2 as miserable as he made mine the past year then as far as I'm concerned that is some justice at least.
I'm not going to pay with every ounce of pain I can endure and "pray" that my poor misguided H can some how come thru this hell that he created unscathed.
And if that makes for no reconciliation, then so be it.
I'm willing to forgive and forget (eventually) BUT NOT before he fully recognizes and accepts the ramifications of what his selfishness has caused me and our M.
If he gets a 'free pass' on this....then there is no limit to what he'll interpret as HIS RIGHT to persue self gratification in the future. And I'm damn sure not giving him that 'pass' at my expense.
I am watching my H turn around these past few weeks. I'm beginning to SEE him facing the horror of what he's done and I'm beginning to see HIS fear of losing me. THAT is what I NEED to see. I NEED to know that he "gets it," I NEED to know that he realizes what he almost threw away. I NEED him to persue ME now...I need some balance here, some give and take...otherwise he will always have an "edge" if he's allowed to ever believe he's coming back for MY sake, and I will NOT have him back under those terms.
T2
TODAY I'm going to work on pulling myself BACK OUT OF this funk I'm in....
I wonder if I suffer from depression? Where do thes horrible negativity swings come from when there's been no reason to be so negative? I don't get it, and I can't seem to control them when they take over.
Where do thes horrible negativity swings come from when there's been no reason to be so negative? I don't get it, and I can't seem to control them when they take over. 