Based upon how you've described your relationhip and my own experience, I could have predicted how she responded to you this morning. I've made the same mistake myself -- multiple times.
In essence. you're now pushing the sexual relationship too hard, too fast. You're trying to go from something like once a month to twice a week or so --> eight times more frequent than before. You're asking her to sprint, when she's barely able (or willing) to walk with you right now.
As the ladies have told you, between work, school, and child, she's feeling very OVERWHELMED right now. Just a few months ago, she was feeling so distant from you and distraught by your relationship (or lack thereof) that she nearly became a WAW.
* You have a lot of trust to rebuild in her eyes -- and that takes time and effort.
* You have a lot of old resentment on her part AND YOUR OWN, to get past, and that takes time, positive (repairing) changes of behavior to impliment, and lots of tearful discussions to get past.
* You have lots of 'conditioned responses' to get past in regard to how she responds to your touch, both sexually and non-sexually.
Overcoming all of the above will require a LONG-TERM viewpoint and approach on your part. You can't, and won't be able to fix your R overnight. When *both* partners are working on it, it generally takes about 1-2 months for every 1 year that you have been married to really set things back on track again.
Since you've been going over my old threads, and are working towards 'manning up' in your own relationship (including its sexual component), I'll share something with you. At this point in my relationship with my wife (after 1 1/2 years of the two of us working to repair and improve our marriage dramatically), I enjoy blanket-consent for approaching my wife for sexual intimacy whenever I like, perhaps even going through some initial resistance: if I've completely misjudged the situation or her physical/mental state, she has a safe-word to use, and has done so on a couple of occasions. Initially you might think that this is a man's dream come true: sex-on-demand, anytime you like, and with no rejections!
In reality however, the arrangement has made me *far more* sensitive to my wife's mood, physical state, how emotionally connected and satisfied she's feeling with me, and so forth. In general, I rarely like one-sided, satisfy-the-man-only sex, and therefore want to create the environment where if I seduce her, she can respond to me and enjoy it just as much as I will. That means moderating my own sexual desires and finding compromise areas. For example, frequency wise, my natural frequency for sex is something like once every 1-2 days or so, while my wife's natural frequency right now is something like once a week (that is a *dramatic* improvement over the past year, and it continues to improve): so about twice a week is a good compromise frequency for us, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less, depending upon the circumstances (Obviously, I'm not saying that this is what would work for you right now, just where we currently are). I also keep in mind her preferred 'conditions' for sex (see the SSM book), and generally don't stray too far from them, except for the occasional 'special' circumstance. I've read many accounts on the Taken In Hand website of other men responding to this privilege in exactly the same way: the women are initially apprehensive that it will be abused, but the loving, responsible, smart husbands never do so.
What I'm going to recommend to you is that you start treating your own sexual relationship with your wife as if you currently enjoy the same sort of blanket-consent, with all of the responsibility that goes along with it (you still have to take a "No", of course). What I mean is this: START veiwing your sexual relationship as if you are the one in control and in charge of making it work properly -- for *both* of you. STOP viewing your wife as the one in control (a position which I can just about guarantee she hates and resents). STOP viewing yourself as a dog begging for table scraps from a fickle master --> this is especially un-manly, un-masculine, un-attractive to her, and goes against all the NMMNG work you've been doing. Be smart. If she's starting to feel pressured, if she's feeling like your every touch is all part of a covert plan to get her back into bed again, then you aren't going to get what you want by continueing to push (nor by yelling or getting angry). Accept how she's feeling AT FACE VALUE, and act accordingly.
Hang in there, and keep trying -- I've been in your shoes, and it wasn't that long ago either.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
