Today, I've been a ditz. I just didn't have the strength to DB. I'm in a funk. Maybe it's the wedding yesterday, maybe it's a combination of things since Friday...but I'm in a funk for whatever reason.
Saturday when he came by for coffee, he told me that his plans for today were to go to his morning AA meeting and then onto the bike races. When he said it, I automatically responded with my opinion of that. I said, "I hate that you have to do that, I KNOW the type of women that 'hang around' bikers (meaning of course the movie stereotype version) and I threw in a little sneer for affect. He responded by saying, "If it bothers you, I won't go." And immediately I thought, "oh no brother, you're not putting that on me so you can wallow in the 'she's trying to control me' crap." So I told him, "No, you're a big boy, you're in charge of what YOU do with your life." With a 'tone' that no doubt implied that I didn't TRUST him to have good judgement in those choices. Well, before he left yesterday (and I got ready to go to the wedding) he kissed me goodbye, said "I love you, call me when you get home from the wedding." But I didn't answer him, I was already in a, "NOPE, I'm not calling that damn cell phone of yours so you'll know I'm home like a good little girl and you're god only knows where."
So, I didn't call him last night, and I didn't call him today. He finally called me around 5pm and asked why I hadn't called last night, so I said, "Because I got in to late, that's why." with that ever so obnoxious tone in my voice. So he says, "Okay, I'll call you later before I turn in." Well, he just called and told me he'd met our son for dinner and that he was now back at his place and exhausted and turnig in. I could hardly bring myself to talk to him, god I hate it when I get like this but I can't seem to STOP myself. He ends the call asking if I'll call him in the morning, I say, "Will you be going to work?" And he says, "Yes, I'll be there by 9."
His tone was feeding off my tone...he sounded 'guarded' and I sounded 'indifferent.'
I know that part of this comes from my absolute HATE of his cell phone. I've said before that his cell was a conspirator in his betrayal and NOW I hate it. I don't call it unless absolutely necessary (which is rare anymore). He rents a room so there is no 'house' phone from which to call me, so that cell is his only contact except while he's at work.
The longer we live apart, the harder it is for me to care. I'm sick of fighting 'demons' I can't see that might be there and I'm tired of his feeling that the decision to come 'home' is all his. WELL it's NOT and I want him to know that.
Sorry for the rant, I'm in one of those moods I guess. T2
