I took the night off from work in order to attend a wedding. I hadn't told my H that I was planning on attending because I have visions of a wedding we attended Thanksgiving week last year (while we were still in roller coaster hell)and I remembered all the pain that the words of that sacred ceremony stirred within me, so I wanted to 'enjoy' this wedding without him.
H unexpectedly called early afternoon (thinking I'd be leaving for work around 4pm) to ask if he could pop over for coffee before I left. My son, innocently let the cat out of the bag that I wasn't going to work, so I told him that I'd taken the day off to attend a co-worker's wedding. He was definitely surprised that I had withheld this from him and I think even more surprised that I was going without HIM. I coud see he was "saddened" or "confused" might be a better description of his response to the news.
I didn't apologize or anything for my decision, nor did I offer and explanation. I didn't/wouldn't want to tell him that my disappointment in his breaking our vows would make his attendance at this sacred ceremony seems almost tainted by his presence....but, I think he probably knows that anyway.
The wedding was beautiful...it was a "Disney" theme. All the church music was beautiful Disney songs (except for the one religious song sung immediately before the taking of vows, and even that was beautiful). The bride, 38 yrs old was absolutely beautiful, the love on her face made her glow. Her new H, 40ish and previously married, gave a 'speech' to her at the reception that was one of the most beautiful and heartfelt and MATURE 'promises' I'd ever heard at a wedding.
The vows reminded me of what my H forgot. I wondered as I sat there listening to the ceremony how would we (my H & I) really 'recapture' that kind of commitment after all this damage, and I'm not sure we can.
I feel as though we've made a mockery of those marital promises we made to each other so many years ago. I fear that those 'words' for us are somehow meaningless now.
I wonder if there really is a way to 'go back.' I wonder if the bridge we've crossed these passed two years isn't collapsed.
I even gave some thought to 'recommitment' ceremonies that I've heard others talk about. Is that what my H and I would need? Would that have any meaning? What, does any of it mean now?
Today, as I revel in the joy of my 'friend's' new marriage, and pray that she and her H never find themselves where I am today, I also sit here feeling that we've lost so much that I wonder if we can truly rise from the ashes of the destruction of our M.
I think I WILL need a new 'proposal' of sorts...and it will have to come from and be initiated by him, THEN I will know that HE is fully committed to this M, otherwise I feel that I will always wonder if he hasn't just resigned himself to it. I know that I need "proof" in some way or measure that my H is JUST AS commited as I am this time, or I can not accept a watered down version of what we originally promised one another so many years ago.
