You are never foolish to have hope NNP. Even the most dire circumstances can turn around, with God's help. The important thing is to have a good dose or reality along with the hope.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You are right, I do not see myself ever really giving up hope, but the reality right now is that my H does not want to be married to me. I am trying to make myself come to terms with that.
At the same time he says that though he still wants to sleep with me and with me and stay married while we pay down our debt. BUT he does not want any of the responsibility of this. He wants to transfer and get an allowance while I stay here and be responsible for everything (the boys, the house, the bills, etc...) So I will be married with all of those things and he will be living a swinging single life and still be able to blame me for everything that is wrong because I am controlling and don't let him spend what he wants.
My other choice is to D now and take the paltry child support the state will require plus part of the debt.
Either way I am screwed.. no wonder I feel trapped!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
...and before you all ask yes we did talk about splitting finances, sort of. He had no plan, so I reluctently shared mine. To which I got no response. ZERO ZILCH NADA... which is how it usually goes.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
You'll be eligible for benefits soon. Just wait, and in the meantime be very aggressive about paying off any debt that has your name on it. Have you sold the property you were going to sell and used the money toward debt?
Once your benefits are secure, figure out if there is truly any financial benefit to remaining married. I see that as pretty unlikely, as H will likely continue with his reckless spending. A few thousand dollars a year is NOT worth it.
If he wants an allowance and if he wants to act like a child, treat him like one. Eliminate all credit card, checking, and ATM access for accounts. Get him prepaid credit cards that can't be used once they run out.
Who cares what he wants? How do you feel about him sleeping in your bed and having sex with you while he is having As and wanting a D?
NNP, you are just a few months from getting benefits, hang in there that long! That will make a huge difference for the rest of your life.
The other day my H was talking about wanting something, I don't even remember what it was. In our better days normally I would talk positive about how we could get it and how to proceed. This time I just said 'not getting that is part of splitting our lives'. While his face never changed I could see the alarm flash in his eyes.
Does your H ever get a reality check?
(((NNP)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
You guys are right, I will continue to hang on until I get what I need and then do what I have to do.
I have come to the realization that I can not control anything but myself. Of course I knew this already, but I think it has finally really sunk in. There is no need for me to try and punish my H for his choices and that is what I think I have been wanting to do. It is what it is and I will not die from being left.
I had a dream last night where my youngest son told me "Mom you should not be sleeping with someone who does not love you". I know it was just a dream, but it sure rings true!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I just put my wedding ring in my jewelry box. Before today I have never had it off, not even when pregnant and swollen. Not sure why I wanted it off, the thought was just on my mind all day that it needed to come off.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
It will be interesting to see if your H notices the missing ring. Does he wear a ring, and if so, is he still wearing it? I recall the day I noticed my exH had taken off his ring and it made me awfully sad. I left mine on until the day of the divorce.
with me and stay married while we pay down our debt. BUT he does not want any of the responsibility of this. He wants to transfer and get an allowance while I stay here and be responsible for everything (the boys, the house, the bills, etc...) So I will be married with all of those things and he will be living a swinging single life and still be able to blame me for everything that is wrong because I am controlling and don't let him spend what he wants.