I was reading a parenting book (scream-free parenting) when the author gave his interpretation of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's four degrees of love, which centered around balancing love of self and love of god, but applied it to the parental, or any (spousal) relationship. Disclaimer - I am not a theologian and am paraphrasing the author's interpretation.
The Four Degrees of Love 1) I love ME for MY benefit - selfish and infantile. Serving only and considering only oneself. Like children act when they are young.
2) I love YOU for MY benefit - loving so you can get validation, a good sense from being needed - like Cheap Trick sang "I need you to need me".
3) I love YOU for YOUR benefit - sounds selfless, but also serving. Doing all for another, with no benefit to self, can expose hidden self interests and create martyrdom.
4) I love ME for YOUR benefit - the highest form of love. Taking care of yourself, making yourself whole and making yourself happy - so no one else has to. When you complete yourself first, only then, can you truly give without expectations or needing care.
I read about GALing here, knew I needed to take care of myself and then might be able to bust my D. The topic also came up in MC and IC, as the W was exhausted from giving and being needed. When I read this piece the other night it really (finally) hit home.
Not sure if this missing piece can save this M - there's too many wounds at present. I do know, it will help me continue on to be the best person I can be and to allow me to truly give love to my kids and my mate(one day).
