H still hiding A

[Sugar and Spice]

Beans, I can totally relate to feeling like your best friend of 20 years has up and vacated and you are left wondering what the hell happened. Pretty much everything your H is saying is standard A BS-babble. Its SO much easier to blame you then take responsibility and own the issues that caused the A to become a reality. You may have responsibility for the M getting to the point where an A was possible, but you DID NOT make that choice for him to cheat. That was his and the OW's choice and don't let him try and make you feel like this is somehow on you.

As for him not telling other people and wanting to keep it "between the 2 of you", of course he does. As long as no one knows, the secrecy and the fantasy of the clandestine R still applies. Once its no longer a secret its not as fun and then the consequences start to set in. If he truly didn't care what you tell other people and he was in anyway proud of his actions, he wouldn't be avoiding his brother. He is wrong and he knows it.

It's like what he doesn't admit he doesn't have to deal with? !

As long as we pretend it doesn't exist then it doesn't. The elephant in the room.

The not knowing what his intentions are about us are unbearable. As of last week I would text him a joke or a goodnight, sometimes he would reply sometimes not. So this week I decided to not contacting him and he has called a couple of times and it always ends in a argument and him saying "why do you think I hate you?". He has said this the last 3 conversations. I told him "Honestly,I don't know how you feel about me" to which he ends the conversation.

Limbo is agonizing, I have lived it and its brutal. As far as him asking you why you think he hates you, he is just drawing you into an argument to justify his actions or feelings. Don't get sucked in. What does keeping in contact with him do for YOU? Does it in anyway make you happier, healthier or more mentally stable? I know for me, keeping in contact with my H constantly throughout our sitch has made things 1000 times harder on me than they needed to be. Of course you are confused about how to act around him, he is telling you one thing, but doing the opposite. Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.

Beans, what have you done or are you doing for yourself? Are you getting out and finding things that make you happy or that you enjoy doing? If you have time read some of my early posts...and do exactly opposite of what I did. When we were going to MC our C told us that as long as there were 3 people involved in the M that there was no way for us to work on it. Also that as long as everyone is willing to keep the triangle stable that there would be no reason for it to change. Your H is getting all of his needs met because he has the 2 of you. Whatever he doesn't get from her, he gets from you and vice-versa. I'm not trying to be mean, I would just like to prevent others from going through some of what I've gone through. You really can't compare an A to a M because there is no real life with it. No bills, kids, family, etc... to stress things. Its Camp Snoopy and LaLa Land. The quicker reality sets in, the better off you'll be.

I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest doing some soul searching to see what it is you want. You will also have to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, what are your deal breakers and then go from there. Just because you aren't working on your M doesn't mean you can't work on you. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is this, the only thing you can control is you, so do that. Work on you and getting you to a better place. Do what makes you happy and boosts your PMA. Are you in any kind of IC? Its helped me tremendously, as have the WONDERFUL people on this site. Keep posting and above all else, be kind and gentle to yourself. There are enough people in this world ready to beat your down without you joining in with them.