T2~ Just checking in...hope you are having a great night!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
T2~ Just checking in...hope you are having a great night!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Wednesday's Journal (cause I'm late postin as usual!)
I was off from work today but had classes tonight so I didn't get to see H although we talked on the phone a few times. Nothing earth shattering, just chit chat.
I had a slight bout of the momentary blues today that lasted for a few minutes, but I shewed them away by reminding myself that I haven't SEEN or HEARD a negative in days. Oh sure, I've tried to invent a few, I've looked for them, I've 'imagined' them...but I haven't really had one that I could grab on to so I guess all in all, my PMA is still in pretty good shape.
I'm off again tomorrow and my 'more of the same' pattern would be to conjure up some sort of resentment/jealousy over my Hs not taking a few hours from work to spend with me (he sets his own hours for the most part) so MY EXPECTATION is always that he should drop everything (important or otherwise) and come 'hang out with me.'
The good news is, KNOWING that I set myself up for the above disappointment when he doesn't arrange his work day around me, tomorrow, I will EXPECT that he will NOT break from his 'norm' and I will have to 'settle' for seeing him tomorrow night for a while, if he asks to come by.
Okie dokie, that's it for today...I warned you it was gonna be boring! T2
I think we all need to expect "negatively" (Ugh! For lack of a better word! ) sometimes. I hate getting my hopes up and being let down, so when I don't expect anything and I get something, I am bursting with PMA. Hope your H gets to spend time with you tomorrow. Take care, Debi
Today around 11:30am, the doorbell rings...it's the florist with a beautiful bouqet of flowers from H with a note, "Thinking of you today, Love H"
He came by tonight and we ate Chinese with one of our sons and his GF and then H & I went out to the river room to
hang out. We wound up in a R talk, I know that I re-asked a question or two that I'd asked more than once in the past, but he answered them all the same. Looking back, I 'see' where there was NO frustration this time, no...'oh crap, here it goes again' look on his face. No, heavy sigh, to thwart my questions. I asked, he told, we moved on. HE even initiated a hug to close the discussion on a 'good note.'
I do absolutely get angry at myself for rehashing some of this crap, but in a way, it's how I shred it. He was a good sport about it, I just hope that after he left he didn't rethink the discussion and revert back to his old thinking which would be, "this crap is NEVER gonna end, she'll be asking me the same things from now till the day one of us is dead."
I don't want him to feel that way, and yet, I go down that road again and again. And to think, I recieved those beautiful flowers today and I thanked him by slapping him around with the same old guilt laddened bat.
Ugh.
We went on to talk about the business trip I'm joining him on at the end of the month. He said, like me, he's looking forward to it. He said he thinks I need to get away, he's right, I do. I told him that I was looking forward to the time with him, even if it meant hanging out in the hotel room for a few hours while he took care of biz, that just getting away with him for a few days would be nice. He agreed and hugged me tightly.
Well, he left on an upbeat note. Told me he loved me, hugged me long and warmly. So maybe the 'beatings' don't sting so much anymore, I pray he does really understand now that I'm just trying to 'process' the pain so that I can be free of it.
T2
Quote: Well, he left on an upbeat note. Told me he loved me, hugged me long and warmly. So maybe the 'beatings' don't sting so much anymore, I pray he does really understand now that I'm just trying to 'process' the pain so that I can be free of it.
t2,
how can I say this without possibly scaring you??? well first off I'll let you know that you are lucky to get flowers...heck I waited but eventually just sent them to myself (the 1-800-florist receptionist got a kick out of that one me sending myself flowers with a card "you are special")
in the begining of my h's return...he would take my stings...he would comfort me even when I would simply look sadly at our children, he would follow me and offer a hug of support...
for whatever reason...that stopped...he didn't leave again...but despite the fact that upon his first talking of comming home he said "I will live with this forever" he is expecting me to put it to bed.
most of the people here in piecing have not been met with this wishy wahsy wall...some have and have maganged to chissel their way through it..
all I am saying here is find the balance...realize now that unfortunatly most of the self healing may have to be done on your own...monitor how h reacts after such "talks" and minimize them if need be.
hoping you don't run into the same walls I have..but perhaps knowing they can come and accepting it early on might help you avoid them.
I only say this to you because you comment on being worried that he may
Quote: revert back to his old thinking which would be, "this crap is NEVER gonna end, she'll be asking me the same things from now till the day one of us is dead."
decide early on what you MUST know...what questions MUST have answers...ask them...accept the answer given and move on.
Of course I know you're absolutely right, afterall, this is reconciliation attempt #2. He moved home in Nov. '02 and from day one till the day he left again late April '02, I dished out daily beating with the guilt stick, so I KNOW that rehashing the same old crap does nothing but damage any attempt to 'move on'
That is exactly why I get angry at myself now when I do the rehash waltz because I KNOW BETTER and I still did it.
Quote: That is exactly why I get angry at myself now when I do the rehash waltz because I KNOW BETTER and I still did it.
Smack me pleaz, I need a 2X4 tune up.
I do not tote a 2x4, I carry a reality stick in my back pocket though .
If you already know that the waltz doesn't work but still feel a need to hash out some things...what other ways can you go about it???
what things need to be addressed? what things need immediate attention what things can wait? what thing can you address on your own, thus not giving h that "this is never going away" feeling?
struggling and fumbling your way towards reconciliation, T2??? Your H is telling you ILY and sending you flowers!!! I'm so jealous!!! Just kidding. Happy for you. I wish my H would send me flowers and of course the ultimate wish, him saying ILY. One day maybe------ Take care, Lisa
) sometimes. I hate getting my hopes up and being let down, so when I don't expect anything and I get something, I am bursting with PMA.