Today around 11:30am, the doorbell rings...it's the florist with a beautiful bouqet of flowers from H with a note, "Thinking of you today, Love H"
He came by tonight and we ate Chinese with one of our sons and his GF and then H & I went out to the river room to
hang out. We wound up in a R talk, I know that I re-asked a question or two that I'd asked more than once in the past, but he answered them all the same. Looking back, I 'see' where there was NO frustration this time, no...'oh crap, here it goes again' look on his face. No, heavy sigh, to thwart my questions. I asked, he told, we moved on. HE even initiated a hug to close the discussion on a 'good note.'
I do absolutely get angry at myself for rehashing some of this crap, but in a way, it's how I shred it. He was a good sport about it, I just hope that after he left he didn't rethink the discussion and revert back to his old thinking which would be, "this crap is NEVER gonna end, she'll be asking me the same things from now till the day one of us is dead."
I don't want him to feel that way, and yet, I go down that road again and again. And to think, I recieved those beautiful flowers today and I thanked him by slapping him around with the same old guilt laddened bat.
Ugh.
We went on to talk about the business trip I'm joining him on at the end of the month. He said, like me, he's looking forward to it. He said he thinks I need to get away, he's right, I do. I told him that I was looking forward to the time with him, even if it meant hanging out in the hotel room for a few hours while he took care of biz, that just getting away with him for a few days would be nice. He agreed and hugged me tightly.
Well, he left on an upbeat note. Told me he loved me, hugged me long and warmly. So maybe the 'beatings' don't sting so much anymore, I pray he does really understand now that I'm just trying to 'process' the pain so that I can be free of it.
T2
