Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[song]

LS,

I've had pretty good results with some physical pain issues, but I haven't had any radical transformations. Kind of like acupuncture, it provides some temporary relief, but after a while, I guess the energy kind of gets blocked or reverts to its previous flow/state. Wow, that sounds really "woo-woo", eh?

I've also had some relief on emotional issues like loneliness or abandonment, but again, there is a limited amount of relief. However, I haven't worked with a real EFT practitioner and really isolated specific issues, so I may be selling myself short.

I've used this routine and it's been helpful, give it a shot, I'd be interested in hearing how it works for you.

Also, if you don't have it, grab this - it's free and a really good reference for learning EFT.

[lemonsnap]

Veronica, thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it.

This weekend brought about some MAJOR changes. I'd say I'm thrilled, but I don't want to jinx anything.

The long and short of it - after a terrible Friday night that I spent at my parents' house while H was out working during the evening, and a rough Saturday morning when I shared my situation with a good girl friend over breakfast...came a breakthrough.

I'm still not even sure how it all happened. I was going to leave on Saturday afternoon to watch a movie (alone) after arriving home from breakfast and NOT wanting to be at home with H. He learned I was planning to go alone and said he'd come along. I basically stopped and said that I didn't want him to come just because I was going alone, but because he wantedto be there. "Of course I want to be there," he says. I just stared at him and said, "For an entire month you haven't wanted anything to do with me."

I ended up sitting down with him and having (I know) a really direct conversation about our relationship and my take on what was happening. I can't remember every detail, but I basically mentioned the following: I know how responsible, committed, caring, engaged, etc. he is with everything in his life, and he was being very irresponsible with our marriage committment and was basically running away. I admitted that I have done many things wrong, but I felt that his leaving was not helping to address anything and would only hurt us both. I told him that I felt he was depressed and needed help that I couldn't give him (nor his friends or parents).

I realized during the conversation that I wasn't doing a good job of listening to him, so I tried extra hard not to react and just to let him open up. He seemed very afraid of returning to "the way things were." I asked him about his fears, and he mentioned all the travelling that I had done for work, and the dinner meetings out. He felt that I preferred doing these things to spending time with him. (!) Major surprise to me, and absolutely the opposite of how I really feel. We took about 10 minutes to really talk about this issue and I reassured him that I had missed him greatly during my business trips and didn't enjoy them per se- they were simply an obligation.

This seemed to really open him up, and we had a longer talk in general and shared more with each other.

My only thought is that his depression/possible low self esteem made him think that I wasn't happy with him, and his current lack of positive feelings also made him think that things would never improve. My only guess is that these thoughts overwhelmed him to the point that leaving seemed the best option for him. I think he thought he was doing us a favor by being the one to end it.

The good news:

H is NOT moving out. He even called his parents on Sunday to tell them so much.
H is willing to go back and see our MC, and to work on the M.
H is talking about OUR future again, not just his.

Obviously we have a LONG way to go, and by no means are things "fixed." We both need to do a lot of work ourselves.

This is just the beginning...

[song]

Thats great news lemonsnap,

I'm so happy to hear your sitch has moved in a positive direction. Keep us posted on the progress, It's encouraging to hear success stories, helps take away a little pain and gives hope for the future.

[kassie]

Lemonsnap,

I want to caution you like everyone else does. My H and I were together four years now, M 21/2 yrs., separated now 7 months. I don't know what will happen for my M, but beware, it is so early to have problems. Set clear goals for yourself and take it slow and steady.

[pearlharbr]

Hi lemonsnap

Glad to hear about the positive move in your sitch. Please do try to keep grounded and not get overly excited yet. There is still a lot of hard work ahead of you and there will be ups and downs.

Don't give up your 180s or GAL activities. Remember that they are an important part of making you a better person and therefore making your relationship better.

I am truly happy that things are looking up!

[JDOllie]

That is great! ALot of the cautions on here are accurate - it's just as easy to get caught up in positive emotion as it is to get dragged down by negative emotion.

Be optimistic, but realistic - I'll echo Pearl, do NOT stop the GALing and 180s. Baby steps - it would probably do well for both of you to figure out some achievable baby steps.

It's amazing that we keep these hurtful things in - i.e. his problem with your business trips and dinners, and the truth being that you DIDN'T feel that way.

[lemonsnap]

Song, Kassie, Pearl and JD - thanks for your support and your words of cautious optimism. While I'm thrilled with the prospect of the future, I'm also approaching it with the knowledge that there is a LOT of work ahead of us - and probably always will be. After all, part of the reason we're in this situation is beacuse we both lost sight of the fact that a relationship requires hard work, love, friendship, fun, and more hard work on a very regular basis - especially as time goes on and the thrill of first being together becomes more of a comfortable routine.

I've found that there are so many things yet to learn about my husband, about me, and about us as a couple. This is exciting, because for a period I assumed we'd settled into the "old married" status after 8 years together and that we'd become a bit boring. What I didn't realize is that it's up to us to keep the spark present. It doesn't just happen because we're together. We have to make the spark, fan the fire, add the fuel.

I went to yoga yesterday, and am going to a massage/reiki session tonight. I'm planning to get my hair cut in a new style soon for a much needed change! I'm cleaning the apartment. We have a MC appointment for this weekend - the first where we've agreed to WORK on things together. I hope it's a positive experience.

Thank you again for your words, and for sharing, as always.

[kassie]

Since you mention Reiki, have you thought about learning how to do for yourself? I am a Reiki master myself and find it helps a lot of situations. Keeps me calm.

Also, if you like alt treatments, look into EFT.

[lemonsnap]

Well! It's been a while since I've posted anything. There is a definite positive side to that. Two weeks ago, I couldn't make it through the day without coming to this site for encouragement and to help me cope. At this point, I'm coming more to provide an update and to check in on some of your current situations.

H and I have had a very good week. Since our "breakthrough" conversation we have both been making big efforts to make personal improvements and meet each other in the middle on a number of topics.

Yesterday I was particularly pleased. H was stressed about school and getting a project done. He asked for my help and was frustrated about things. Rather than reacting and being overly sensitive, I simply detached a bit from the emotions of the situation and didn't react. I just let him vent and remained calm. Afterwards, he actually said "I'm sorry, I'm just really tired and stressed." What a lovely change - both on his part AND on mine. It's been so empowering to realize that I don't have to be drawn into and react to every exchange between us. I feel much more in control of my own emotions and better able to confront conflicts between us in a way that keeps them minor rather than blowing them up.

We purchased a new sofa for the apartment that's being delivered tomorrow. We've donated a bunch of items we no longer needed and are working to keep the apartment tidier.

We had planned to attend a MC appointment on Sunday, but the MC had to cancel last minute. We've rescheduled for this weekend.

Oh - and I cut my hair! It's something I'd wanted to do for a long time but just hadn't worked up the nerve. On Saturday I biked downtown to the local beauty school - over 9 inches of hair gone! It feels great. I've got really short hair - perhaps the shortest ever. It feels great and is really easy to manage. Um, why didn't I do it sooner?

Hugs to you all.

[pearlharbr]

(((lemonsnap)))

I'm so happy to read your update. Sounds like things are going well. Being in control of your emotions instead of letting them control you is a wonderful trait. I'm sure you'll put it to good use.

Are you keeping up with your GAL activities? It's still important to work on yourself while you're working on the R.

Congrats on the new haircut! It does feel great to feel fresh and sexy.