I feel so lost and so tired

[sandi2]

Hello So Tired, my name is Sandi and I want to welcome you to our community here on the DB board. We are like a big family and that includes a lot of different personlities and how some write all sweet with smiley faces and some are tough as nails, some write long (like me) and some can say it is a half dozen words. Sometimes we might not like what one person has to say if it hits us a little too hard, but all in all as I said.....like a family. So, I hope you will become part of the family as long as you need to and it is very important to understand that you need to post every day that you can b/c if you don't stick with us, then this is not going to work.

So, that is my introduction....LOL. Seriously, I can understand so much about how your wife is feeling and I hope that I can help whether the reasons we got to where we were feeling out of love with our H's were the same or not. I will have to ask a lot of questions and I hope you won't mind, but that is what it takes to find out more about a couple and the more we know, the more we can help. You have met a couple more newcomers, but I'm not one. I've been around for a while and it's not that me and my H still have the problems we were having, but b/c this board saved my M and probably my life so I want to give back as much as I can. I will encourage you to reach out to others and reply to their posts so they will come find you. That will help build up your support group faster.

May I ask if your wife named any particular things that made her feel that she had lost feeling in love with you? Also, does she say that she just plain does not love you anymore or that she doesn't feel "in love" with you? That is important to know.

I can understand couples experiencing different transition periods during M. My H and I have gone through more than a couple ourselves. If you are M for a long time, it is going to happen b/c you are growing as individuals and as a couple, plus you are getting older with more and more changes happening down through life. Nothing stays the same, so you have to get through those transitionsal periods. They are not fun, either.

You said things seem to have changed after the baby was born. Was it b/c all of her attention seem devoted to the child? BTW, does she work outside the home? I wondered by her falling asleep while lying down with him if she was that exhausted or if she was advoiding you.

I know a lot of women are having children when they get older now than thinking they have to have their family before they reach 30. However, if she does work outside the home, it may be taking a greater physical drain on her than she realizes. Does she talk about that any to you? Another thing that might be considered is depression. Did she seemed depressed after the baby was born.....or since? Has she kept a close yearly exam about her "female" health? She may even need to see a specialist about her hormone levels b/c that can affect women in ways you wouldn't believe.

As far as you not helping out with chores around the house and things like that......it can cause a woman frustration but I doubt it makes a woman stop loving her H. So, I'm going to cut to the chase here, okay? If all questions about her physical condition are removed, then that leaves the emotional. If the two of you have stopped going out and visiting with friends and family and basically having a social life, that could be having a great affect on her. Again, I would think that you would have seen signs of depression if she doesn't have much social life. How has your intimate life changed since the baby was born? If she has not seemed as interested in sex, then that leads us back to seeing a good doctor about her hormone levels. Having a child can screw that up and a woman has to have medical help sometimes to get it back on track again. Has she acted cold toward you when you wanted sex? If so, has it just started within the past months or has it basically been since having the baby?

Have there been any major changes besides having a baby? For an example, a new career change, moving away from family or anything like that? Did she seem to suddenly change of was it over a period of time? Does she spend a lot of time reading or on the computer? What does she do in her spare time?

I apologize for so many questions, but I have my reasons for asking.

I noticed you are like a lot of other new folks in that you are leary about pulling back and giving your wife space b/c it was the fact that she needed more of your attention and did not receive it that mainly got to this problem. I can understand why men would think that way, but I was exactly like your wife and I did not want my H touching me and could not stand to be in the same room with him, therefore, I hope you will listen to me when I tell you that it has been too little too late for all that attention giving attempts on your part now. If you smoother her with your presence now, it will only push her farther away until you have pushed her right out the door. Trust me! What you have to do is the very opposite of what you "think" you should be doing at this time. You pull back away from her and leave her alone! You give her all the space she needs and time alone. How do you do that? You do that by finding something for YOU to do while she is home. You stay busy and give her of free time. You either take care of the baby while she is doing something else, or you get out of the house and go somewhere and give her the entire house without you there. That is what she needs and if you love her, you will do that for her. I promise you this....if you continue to push your attentions off on her, she will leave you....you can count on it. She is very fragile right now and so much depends on how you handle all of this.

You have probably stopped doing things you use to enjoy doing. Either some sport or hobby, or seeing old friends, etc. That can make us become very boring when we do not do anything "fun" in our lives. I know, you thought you were being a good H and dad. Well, maybe you were but somewhere along the way,things got boring and you are not as interesting as you once were. So, you need to make a point to leave the house and find somewhere to go look around or something to do to stay busy. If nothing more, go buy some new clothes and get a sharp new wardrobe. Get a new look! I would ask a professional with help in that area and not go wild and crazy with some new look....lol.

I don't suggest nightclubs and places like that b/c it leads to things that could get you into trouble. Certainly don't turn to women friends b/c that is certainly a "no-no" during this time. Never lie to your wife, but you can be vague about your answers and not go into details about where you've been or what you were doing. That makes you a bit mysterious and she may find that interesting. If she is the type to "pick you" for answers, just smile and say nothing. That will teach her! Never be rude or ugly to her, but be "cool" (as the kids say). Don't talk her ears off and keep your words limited.........for now while going through this period of trouble. I hope you know what I mean and stay balanced with this and don't go off the deep end. I am surprised at what some people think when they read advice given to them.

We will talk more about all these things later. For now let me say that she is probably very tired of counseling and doesn't want to talk about the MR. Therefore, don't bring up the subject of the MR at all. Don't try to get her to read you DR book or anything else. Don't tell her that you are reading it nor discuss it with her b/c it is strickly your game plan for your M and you don't give your game plan to the opposing team, right? Keep it out of sight and don't read it in front of her. She will not like that b/c she will take it the wrong way. Don't talk about future plans. Don't point out the good points of being M. Don't make remarks about how sad it would be if the son grew up with D parents. I promise you that she will nearly despise you every time you say anything like that. It is putting another nail in the coffin.

One more thing and then I'll let you go think on these things. Have you ever thought that she may be getting emotionally involved with anyone? Have you noticed her TMing anyone a lot on the phone or leaving the room to talk on her phone? Have you noticed her being on the computer and when you enter the room she shuts down the screen she was on and shows something else? Does she have any type of meetings with male friends or co-workers that do not include you? I'm not trying to be offensive, but trying to get to the root of what is causing her to think she no longer loves you.

Hope you will answer my questions so we can proceed with further talk as soon as possible b/c I am afraid she is not going to keep staying there in the house with you. But, don't agree to leave the house and don't offer to help her if she starts talking about leaving. Stay under the same roof as long as you can. I'll explain more later. In the meantime, try to stay out of the same room and give her some space over the weekend. When you are around her, try to keep things light and fun and never get "down" or act all glummy and serious. Nobody enjoys being around a person who is not fun to be with. So, try to keep a PMA.

I have so much that I want to cover but it can't be done in one post. So, please come back as soon as you can.

Take care,
Sandi