It crossed my mind to do that a while back, but so far I have made no plans. Your post has inspired me, I will get right on it.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I enjoy reading your stuff as it gives me a glimmer of hope.
I think for me my wife is not at the level of comfort that yours is. I know that takes a while. I'm trying to work the principles - supporting her emotionally, trying to make her feel safe and secure, and such. I've always helped out chore wise. We were pretty close to calling it quits so it is probably (already is) going to take a while before she will make any effort to try to improve our physical relationship. My biggest fear is that she doesn't want to and won't ever re-open herself sexually to me. For the last about 2 years the primary effort on our sexual relationship has been avoidance. At this time I'm just hoping that eventually she will care and want to have a good physical relationship with me. It's been so long now since our sex relationship has been healthy that what we have now has become normal. What I'm afraid has happened - and seems to have - is that this current physical relationship is ok with her and she doesn't want or care for any more. Problem is that for me it is not satisfactory or fullfilling and isn't what I want and think will be acceptable for me long term marriage wise. Once a month is average now and because it is so infrequent and far between, we have lost touch with each other and are distant intimacy wise. Even after we do ML I don't feel very close to her anymore and "loved". At least for me it doesn't feel close - it's not emotionally satisfying and our current reprituior (sp ?) is so limited it isn't all that physically satisfying either. I know it can and could be a lot better - at least for me. At this time I think it isn't important to her and she doesn't care if I'm unhappy or frustrated. I going to continue to work and hope that changes and she does start to want a better physical relationship with me.
One thing I've found lately is it is hard to stay motivated and doing the DB type principles because of what feels like no reward for it. She seems a bit happier and more relaxed and that part is good and makes me feel better but I have to admit I personally don't feel much better about our relationship. I guess it feels like mostly a one way street. I know the point is to not look for or expect to be rewarded but at times it makes the efforts seem pointless / futile.
I don't mind hijacks tbh. A hijack often is well on-topic and provides insight.
You said you know the point is not to look for or expect rewards, but do you truly believe it? Do you live it? If you continue to harbor resentment for not receiving paybacks for your efforts, you are possibly not there yet.
It is like one of those zen puzzles that is completely counter intuitive. In order to receive something, you must first completely let go of the expectation of receiving it.
For me it began with forgiveness. I had to forgive her for so many things in order to let go of the blame.
The reward for all this DBing is a better you. When it all comes down to it, you are not DBing her, you are DBing yourself.
Have you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" at all? If not, that's your next assignment.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I haven't read NMMNG but I've seen it referenced quite a few times lately and guess I should.
I hear you - I'm trying. I do OK most times but faulter on occasion. For me it is a matter of getting my wife to forgive me - not me her. I wasn't supportive when I should have been and seriously damaged our relationship. I'm trying to make up for it. She isn't a forgive and forget person. Somehow I have to get her to believe in me again. It may not be possible but I am going to give it my best shot. I am handicapped DB wise. I've been divorced and am not afraid of it and know life will be fine afterwards. Thus... sometimes I get down and say F it - I'll start over - I'm still young enough. I think she's worth the effort but dang it if sometimes I feel the work is too much - when at times it seems so little result is happening. I think it is and will be worth it and will/am continuing to try.
For me it is a matter of getting my wife to forgive me - not me her.
You can't get her to. Just trust in time she will be able to. Here is my realization that allowed me to truly forgive her. I was standing there asking her to forgive me for all the things I had done, and then it hit me, I am a hypocrite if I cannot lead by example and forgive the things that hurt me. You may think there is little to forgive, but those moments of anger and resentment are little voices saying otherwise.
Quote:
I wasn't supportive when I should have been and seriously damaged our relationship. I'm trying to make up for it. She isn't a forgive and forget person. Somehow I have to get her to believe in me again. It may not be possible but I am going to give it my best shot.
You do it by working on you, and by showing her through consistent actions that you are changing.
Quote:
I am handicapped DB wise. I've been divorced and am not afraid of it and know life will be fine afterwards. Thus... sometimes I get down and say F it - I'll start over - I'm still young enough. I think she's worth the effort but dang it if sometimes I feel the work is too much - when at times it seems so little result is happening. I think it is and will be worth it and will/am continuing to try.
If you have been divorced before, you know that a change in partner does not always change the dynamic. The reason is because 50% of the previous R is also in the current one: you.
No, it is not all your fault, but the 50% you put into it is significant enough to completely affect every aspect, including how your partner treats and responds to you.
Key: DBing is about making a better you. Does it save every R? No, but it does rule out the possibility that the person being left behind is the problem.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Guess I'm venting this morning. I asked W if we could go to bed early tonight. She got pissed and said that she thought Wed night/Thur early hours was our time for the week. I got mad that she thinks that if we did it once we can't do it again anytime soon. She went into a whole rant about how she can't be woken at night because then she is too tired the next day. I told her that it was not me waking her that was the problem, it was that she went to bed late almost every night that week. I told her I just don't think it's fair that I get all of the blame for her being exhausted Friday, and that she went out of her way to tell me she was. We talked about ML on weekends and she said that she really enjoyed last Saturday, but if she feels pressured, she wont want to do it again. grrr. I told her that it feels like she controls when we have sex and I am just like a dog begging for it. Apparently this one night of waking her felt really good and she enjoyed it, but doesn't want it to happen again. Once again the conversation went back to her schedule. She says the reason she stays up late is to wind down so she doesn't go to sleep tense.
Is it fair for her to tell me, absolutely no sex on weekdays, and even though I'm making you wait until the weekend, I can't guarantee that either because I don't want to feel pressured by such a schedule?
She complained about me touching her this morning, saying that she was just starting to get comfortable with non-sexual touch, and now she can't trust me not to touch her sexually. How is it that if I touch her sexually one fricken time, it means all my other non-sexual touches had sexual intentions? Am I just supposed to never touch her sexually unless she tells me it is a time that I can, even though she never initiates such times?
I'm so mad at her this morning. She is completely brushing my needs aside and setting up our relationship to fail.
The worse line this morning was: "See, it is times like this that I really feel like I can't do this anymore". Okay so now the whole R is in question again?
Don't know what today holds. Our old pattern is to hold anger inside and treat each other badly. Going to have to figure out a way to work through today, but it is going to be tough, since these issues run really deep and the conversation this morning struck the the rawest nerve I have.
Guess I need to practice what I preach today! I am only human, right?
"One step back, two steps forward."
Wish me luck, SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well it turned out okay. Obviously the issue is unresolved, since it is THE issue and the reason I am here, but we agreed to let it go and have a good day. She agreed we are on for tonight, so I am trying to let go of it now completely, just in case it doesn't happen for some reason.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
1. I always approach her to ML at the worst times. Why can't I approach her earlier/when there is less to do/when she is not tired/when...
2. She hates when it is planned because that = pressure.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
