Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[kassie]

You do what you can in dividing things up based on what you have to begin with. Sometimes it is a negotiating thing when you both want the same thing. My H basically didn't want anything of ours - I didn't want it either but I wasnt' going to argue about it since he was the one leaving. Managing money and dividing that up was harder to do and harder to be fair. There is usually a lot of give and take there.
After a few weeks of separation we started talking again and visiting, I noticed he needed some things that I had extra and took them over to him which he really appreciated. His response was always I don't want to get too comfortable because I expect to come back. (He decides to leave, he decides to come back I guess my feelings don't matter) Anyway, as things went, he ran into problems buying furniture and I ended up helping him to pick out stuff - that was weird.

We kept some financial things together because it is cheaper for both of us - and that has been ok. The rules about this stuff depend on what you want to see happen and what you are able to do.

Sometimes it gets tense, that is when you have to decide what is more important.

[Greek]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. You know...Life. So to your question about the process of separating and how to divide. I really took very little, just bare essential. I didn't want to get settled somewhere else. My separation for me was never about staying gone. It was more about taking a breath, licking wounds and regrouping.

And to your question about any benefit to the separation, it was that exactly - a time to catch our breath after a really terrible year; a time to heal a bit from the damage we did to each other in that year; and a chance for each of us to do real work on ourselves. My H REALLY worked on himself while I was out and thanks God, for it made all the difference in the world to our R. I don't believe he would have gone to such lengths if I would have stayed in the house saying the same things to him over and over again in the same way. When I moved out, I was saying the same things - just in a different way. So, yes...there was some benefit.

[lemonsnap]

Kassie and Greek, thank you for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to come over and see me.

Journaling

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Actually, the last week has been pretty good, surprisingly. I can't believe it's only been a week since MC when H told me that he's not interested in working on our M and only wants to be friends. I feel like it's been a lifetime already.

I've started a list of goals/dreams for myself. I'll continue to add to it. It's a work in progress.

I went to yoga last night and then went to a movie at our local film festival. Invited H to come along, but planned to go independently if he said no. He met me after yoga and we attended together. It was a great movie - so glad I went!

We stopped for a quick dinner out on the way home, which was nice. I just haven't had the energy to cook meals lately. Guess I'm not feeling very domestic!

Every day it becomes easier to listen, validate and not react in a negative way to H and this situation. Sometimes I worry that by dong these things, I'm closing my heart to him (much as he's done to me and us.) I still say things to him every once in a while (I love you, I miss you) but now I say them in my head rather than to him out loud. That way I'm not completely closing off my love for him, just expressing it in a way that's safer and more comfortable for both of us right now.

He still wakes me up in the morning, after he's showered and dressed, with a kiss or two on my head and a hug. I'm trying not to read anything further into it. It pleases me that he's still comfortable enough around me to do those things.

I'm excited to have made my first plans for the weekend that are just for me! I'm not doing it just to be gone and out of the house, but because it's something that really interests me and is a good activity for me. I'm taking a class Sunday that will last about 6 hours. YAY!

This morning while eating my breakfast H kept looking at me. I looked up and gave him a smile each time. Yes, I thought about it a bit beforehand, but it's becoming a little easier to demonstrate a PMA around him.

Every day I am stronger. I will have good days and not so good days. I am a caring, loveable, sensitive, intelligent person and I'm learning every day.

[pearlharbr]

Sounds like you're doing very well!

Glad to hear you're doing something just for you because you will enjoy it this weekend! That's the way to GAL.

Keep up the good work!

[lemonsnap]

I spent the majority of the evening last night cleaning and organizing. I've got a LOT to do still to make our apartment look magazine worthy but I feel better already.

Organizing and getting rid of clutter not only makes me feel better, but has the added benefit of being a bit of a 180 for me. I'm not a mess, but I am definitely moe relaxed about "stuff" than my H. One of my goals is to do a major overhaul of our apartment so that it's very clean and organized. I'd like to be able to maintain a reasonable semblance of order on an ongoing basis.

My lack of organization has been a complaint of H's, so I'm working hard to change that situation, especially before he moves out so that he can see me in action.

That's the evening plan for tonight as well - go home, relax, do a bunch of cleaning and then watch a movie or go out for ice cream as my reward for a job well done!

[song]

Hey Lemonsnap,

Just stopping by - I noticed you posting on the same thread as me (HomeAloneinTX) and jumped over to see how you are doing.

Your PMA is very apparent! Keep up the great work!

You never mentioned what the class is that you are doing for yourself. Care to share?

Also, I always appreciate your encouraging remarks on my sitch...Thank you!

[lemonsnap]

Hi Song,
Thanks for the visit! I'm glad that you've picked up on my PMA. I've decided that my posts are reflection of my attitude, so one of my goals is to keep them positive in nature.

I am taking a class on reiki. Some people would probably consider it a little "woo-woo" but I really am excited about the class. Here's what it's about. PERFECT TIMING, I say!

Reiki is a holistic, light touch energy therapy that helps the body, mind and spirit relearn how to "let go." This potent energy work is useful for encouraging self-healing, alleviating pain and anxiety, opening blocks within the body, balancing chakras, rebuilding inner harmonies and producing a deep state of relaxation.

I've also scheduled a treatment for myself next week. Can't wait!

I guess I hesitated in posting the topic becasue I'm totally NOT a new age type person, and I'm sure lots of people would lump it into that category.

But whatever! I'm doing it for ME, not for anyone else. So there. Hee hee.

I'll be visiting you in the future!

Have a great weekend.

[song]

Hey Lemonsnap,

That course sounds great. I've found that one of things that has helped me the most has been acupuncture. As you probably know, it is also energy work, and through my acupuncturist I got introduced to EFT. Don't know if you are familiar with EFT, or "tapping", but it has been great for me, and taps into the same meridian points as acupuncture, and probably reiki.

There's a lot of good, free info on EFT at emofree.com, tapping.com and tryitoneverything.com

And no, I'm not new age at all, but I have to say, it really does help.

You have a great weekend too!

[lemonsnap]

Song,
Thanks for sharing! I checked out the EFT. Sounds fascinating! Have you experienced any of those really quick tranformations through practicing it? (How I'd love to try it on my H!)
I can certainly use it on me...

[VeronicaV]

Lemonsnap,

I just got myself current on your situation and just wanted to tell you I think you are handling your situation very well.

It is so hard to tell someone else how to handle all that each of us goes through in our individual circumstances. Some things I have learned along my own journey:

1. the sooner you really and truly detach, the better for you.
2. detaching is not an act one performs, it is a circumstance that results from shifting the focus from one's spouse to oneself - over time.
3. PMA is essential but it will ebb and flow - there will be good days and very bad days - remember that the good days will come again.
4. it is so important to let yourself feel all of your feelings as they come up.
5. letting go takes more than just saying the words, but it starts with just saying the words.
6. it is okay not to think about how to save you marriage every waking moment.
7. you have everything you need to thrive right inside of you.
8. this process is really, at its very core and in its very essence, all about saving yourself.

I know you may not believe me, I know I did not believe those who told me in the earlier days, things will get better.

No matter the outcome for your relationship, you will be fine. I can see it in your posts - you have all the strength you need.

V.