Been lurking for a while and following your sitches (especially Cinco's), but haven't been in much of a modd to post, until now.
My wife has an inutero (sp?) fibroid that is about the size of a softball. Has had it for years and it causes a few issues, including adding bleeding both during her period and for a week or so before her period. Plus it can add some discomfort from time to time. Anyway, I have been really cool about the bleeding and the protracted amounts of time that ml is off-limits (and before the question comes up, once the bleeding starts, ml of any type is a non-starter for her) and have focused on db/ssm principals. And I haven't done this just to follow the manual, but because I really know she is suffering.
Anyway, a couple weeks ago she was finally going to have it removed laproscopically so it is an outpatient deal instead of having to do a partial-hysterectomy (isn't modern medicine great?) and it had to be postponed at the hospital because her bloop pressure was up. So, hopefully, it will be done in a few week.
In the meantime, we haven't ml for at least a month and maybe 6 weeks after we had been making progress December and January. Plus, my wife has been laid off and is taking a new job in a couple weeks. While this is good news financially, she is getting stressed out already and work was always an excuse to not ml. I tried to head this off at the pass and yesterday sent her a text that we were going to have a nice dinner with good wine and I was going to "sex her up" which she thought was funny (in a good way). Plus over the past few days we had some healthy bj banter (something that has been completely missing in our sls) so I was looking forward to that.
Anyway, great dinner, and we split a bottle of wine, all is well. I put kid one to bed and after I come out from that, she is in our bed sleeping with kid two. Understand, this is a very rare thing for us and it is only 8:30 at this point. I wake up kid two and put her to sleep, go in to wake up w, who I think is just pretending to sleep to get kid two to sleep, and she is sleeping. Says she will get up. Nothing for 10 minutes, so I go back in and she is sleeping and going to stay sleeping. I am very mad at this point, but resist the begging that I would have resorted to before. Instead I watch tv and finish off the wine that was poured in our glasses and go to bed, still seething.
I have never had the ability to wake up like nothing happened, but instead anger turns into resentment and bitterness overnight. This morning we hardly said two words and she hasn't called or texted me all morning. Was this a screwup by me? It is frustrating because the r talks don't work, yet in her mind she can "write this off" as me being "a big baby about it"(quote from a previous r talk. On the other hand, I am sick of beign the only one to make a real effort, than smiling and pretending I am happy with it and my reaction last night and this morning was honest.
Part of why I was mad is that tonight and tomorrow night we have plans that we won't get home until late from and she knows that.
Sorry for the long post, but I value your insights.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
First of all great news on her getting the fibroid taken care of. I hope everything goes well when she does go in for that.
I know how that feels to get worked up and have the evening get pulled out from under you, as I have been there many times myself. Maybe if you let her know how much you were looking forward to last night and how she let you down hurt you. This would communicate the disappoint and your feelings to her vs. just the silent treatment.
I'm working on this myself too. I know there are times when it is better not to say anything but keeping it inside is worse I think.
First let me ask you something. In the past, has she given in to you getting upset and given you what you wanted afterwards to "make it up to you"?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Saying nothing is hard but better (for me - because any conversation about it almost always ends up negetive and thus delays any chances longer) I've learned to shut my mouth and eat my feelings.
Yes, in the past, she wouldn't give in that night, but she might the next night and while I like ml any time, in those times I feel like she is just doing it to appease me, which is deflating.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
The problem with saying nothing is that I think it doesn't really deal with the issue and it just builds up a solid foundation of resentment. I think all of us have seen the effects of this because if that resentment is not dealt with, it is hard to accept when she does make a legit effort. I find myself saying, "yeah, but what about all those other times" in my mind, rather than accepting the gift being given to me. Plus, if I don't express my frustration, I find it carries over into other aspects of the marriage more. It is really a catch-22.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Yes, in the past, she wouldn't give in that night, but she might the next night and while I like ml any time, in those times I feel like she is just doing it to appease me, which is deflating.
Right, so on a deeper psychological level, you are being rewarded with sex for "acting like a big baby" as she put it. Even though it is table scraps sex, we accept instead of demanding better.
The first step to your recovery is forgiving your W for not being more sexually available to you. Before you say "wtf, why should I do that?", note that this is something you are doing for YOU, not for her. You don't even have to tell her. Read MWDs article on forgiveness if you haven't already, it really helped me to work on it (I still backslide btw and get angry and blame her, it is a process, not something that you do and it's done with).
Forgiveness helps to feel less hurt when getting rejected. The goal is to break that pattern of sulking after rejection, and instead take it in your stride and not let it affect how you treat her. She needs to learn she can reject you without affecting the next X number of days.
Originally Posted By: CharlieBrown
By the way, in honor of a different thread:
We might be in a SSM if we just finished a $60 bottle of Cab and my wife is sleeping with your D5 in your bed at 8:30....
CB
Wait, your bed? Who else here lets their kids sleep in their bed? Red flag...
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
That is one of the things that was really egregious is that we do not, and have not since the kids were babies, let them sleep with us. Once in a great while, we will let them fall asleep in our bed them put them in theirs, but that is a 2-3 times/year thing. Because of this, I really feel that my wife knew what she was doing.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
