Thank you for the birthday wishes. My mother asked to call her and I told her not to. My reasoning is they way my W is being right now, I think its best if I just gave her space. If my mother were to call her, she would think that I had her call and for her to think that would be a bad thing right now.
Last night, nothing was said in regards to her behavior. She came downstairs for a minute, we had a few seconds of small talk and she went to bed.
This morning when I came downstairs she told me happy birthday. The kids gave me their gift and card and then she gave me a card. Then she had to go to pick up the cake (the kids are real big on birthdays right now). She had been cordial if not maybe friendly, but there's still an odd tension there.
I couldn't sleep last night. Too much bouncing around my head. But I finally decided that I will not accept divorce. I'm preparing myself for it and educating myself in it, but I will not accept it. She will do what she will, and I hope that I can change her mind. But, though this decision is hers, I have to look after my family (and that includes her)as I would in any crisis. If ultimately, her decision is to divorce, then I will have to adjust how I take care of my family. I don't think it will be easy and can make no promises that I won't be devastated, but I need to keep it together for my family's sake. I still have about 2.5 months to work with before she files. I'll have another 30+ after that before I have to do anything. From there, who knows...
But here is what I will not do...
I will not drag it out just to drag it out. I must act on reason and not emotion.
I will not become vindictive. Regardless of how I feel about what she is doing, she is still the mother of my children, and for that I will always love her. I must think before I act or speak. If I cannot think of anything non-seething to say, then perhaps I need to apologize and answer her another time.
I will not involve the kids anymore than they already will be by the process. Just as above, she is their mother and every child deserves to love their mother and their father. I will not involve them in any issues between her and I, even if those issues are about them.
I will take my life into my own hands and build back what I can when I can. I cannot be in rush to pull myself out of this financially. I must take my time and build it back the best my ability can afford at the time.
