Just catching up on your thread today. I'm so glad you expressed your thoughts to your H and he too did some thinking on his own, and is willing to do something at least to help you with your fears/doubts. It shows he is a willing participant in recommitting to your M. I'll bet he too has some fears of his own and that's why he's taking it slow as far as coming back home.
My H had talked about doing the same thing. He wanted to get a place of his own on the other side of town from both me and OW. But he doesn't have the finances to afford a place of his own, and he said he really wanted to come home, so home he came.
But something changed in him this past week. I think it might have been a combination of things. Something OW said to him.....something his mother said to him (his mom said to not worry about what everyone else wants him to do, but to do what he TRULY wants to do), or possibly his symptoms of withdrawal from OW are getting the better of him.
I'm just hoping that absence from OW is just NOT making his heart grow fonder of her. I'm being very careful not to pressure him, but it just feels like he is giving me signs that he might have made the wrong decision to come home when he did. When he first came home, he was so loving and sounded committed to making our M work. But now he is detaching BIG TIME. He's just cold and not very into rebuilding our M. He was so mean and arrogant to me on Friday just before he left even after I washed and packed all his clothes for his trip and did not do or say anything to cause him to be mean and arrogant to me.
I told him that he was being mean and arrogant and I hope he thought all weekend about how he had treated me and how I didn't deserve such treatment. I hope God is working on my H's heart ALL weekend. And I'm still praying that he will come up with love and committment in his heart for our M.
Trust is soooooo hard for us after our H's have had an affair! But if we can truly forgive them, our M's can be saved. I think our problem is wanting them to tell us they WANT us to forgive them....that way we would know they are admitting they were wrong and would NOT do it to us again.
So I'm still waiting for some of my prayers to be answered and will certainly let everyone know when my prayers ARE answered. And I will continue to pray for you, T2. I think you and your H have an EXCELLENT chance of making it. I read a sense of committment on your H's part, so focus on that and let that fact help you increase your PMA a little. H seems more affectionate to you when you have your PMA in control.
Quote: I'm becoming listless and apathetic. I'm exhausted again from all of this and my heart is hardening to the process. I'm running out of anything to give to it.
So here I am, stuck in a rut and having trouble seeing the sun again.
My H is not home, not wanting to come home, and constantly threatening me with D. But I have survived this far... why is it that I feel like you said above?? I get so tired or feeling lousy. Will I EVER feel better? Will I always be sad, insecure, lonely?
I love reading your sitch. Things, even when you are bummed, sound so hopeful, so good. I'm in a serious rut.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wanted to come over and check in on you. Stop that impatient thinking. You have your hubby in the palm of your hand right now. Its just not happening as fast as you want it. Some men are a bit slow when it comes to reading our minds and what we want. Sometimes they just need to readjust after having their own space for so long.
Just want to say cheer up. Smile. You don't want him to focus on what the problems are as yet. That seems to be what he is focusing on what is wrong with you or should I say troubling you. You probably having some down time and its good your going out and doing things. Maybe if you told him it made you feel left out in a certain way but you understand it.
Someone once mentioned, bm I think said this, its a bit like fishing. But in order to catch a fish you have to lure it, then set the hook and gently reel that fish in. Sometimes you have to let some line loose. Then reel it in again.
Keep up the great work your doing. Its working and I can see it. So don't be disappointed in anything. You just can't see how much your H does want you. Not many go around saying ILY all the time. When they leave the ILY go too. Yours is saying it all the time. WOW. Keep your eye on the positives.
T2, When I read your posts, I keep asking myself, "will this be me?" When I get the chance to get my H back will I feel like you?
Quote: I was surprised when around 9:30, he asked if it was okay if he went to bed because he didn't feel well. I said, "Sure," thinking he was making his exit (my "fear/doubt" sharing no doubt adding to his feeling sick). He then says, "Are you coming?" Then I realize he meant "our bed"...so I said, "Ok" but I knew that he'd just be going to sleep which as far as I was concerned last night was just as well because I wasn't feeling "loving" anyway. So off we went, him to sleep, me to lie there watching TV.
See, I think if I was you I'd be so happy my H would want to even sleep with me! Now that you have that, you are still not happy? Hope I won't be feeling this way. But, why do I have a feeling I will? I think you should start seeing the positive of all this. you seem to be concentrating on the negatives and "what ifs". Kick the negatives in the a$$ and leave the "what ifs" behind. Yes I know, you think this is all about them. No it's not, it's about building a "new" life together. I'm afraid you are scared about things going back to the old ways, not. You've changed too much. So take down those walls, it's OK. Your H DOES LY! Relax and look for the good in all this! BEcause believe me, there are alot of us envying you right now, and I'm one of them. I'd give anything to be where you are in your R with your H. I wish my H was staying all night, eating meals with me and telling me ILY. Maybe you should look at how far you've come! Look for the good! Deb
I agree with the above posts. I know for me, when I see positive steps it doesn't appease me, I just want to see that much more. I want my H to recommit to our M NOW! You know the patience thing runs short at times.
When I think of my H as a friend it helps me to put things in perspective. When I think about how bad things were a few months ago (H asking for a D), it helps me to plug along and take one day at a time.
Hang in there and keep doing what is working!! nik
I didn't see that virtual 2 x 4 come out yet, so you'd better get to work taking down some of those walls you've built up before Deb gets the 2 x 4 out.
After reading some of your posts, I agree with Deb that H DOES LY! He is trying and you are going to push him away with your doubts and always looking for the negative.
But I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I feel the same way, just like my doubts in my H about his whereabouts this weekend. I think the doubts are natural and EXPECTED. But what we have to do is NOT push our H's away WITH OUR DOUBTS. This is the tricky part. We have to keep all our doubts to ourselves. Or just between us and our friends here at DB.com.
I hope I can hold all my doubts inside when H returns home tomorrow and not show any doubts through my body language either. I guess my attitude will depend on H's attitude when he returns. I hope and pray that he's lost his mean and arrogant attitude by the time he gets home and has replaced it with a loving attitude (love for me that is).
So hang in there and focus on the positive! We are here for you to vent your doubts to. Just show your H your thankfulness that you and he are making progress. Sugar always attracts more bees than salt.
I know it us hard to let down your guard, but it is time!!!!
Quote: Just show your H your thankfulness that you and he are making progress. Sugar always attracts more bees than salt.
We are here for you, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: You have your hubby in the palm of your hand right now.
LOL, I think if anything we're tossing each other back and forth a little, put neither of us in the palm of the other's hand.
Quote: That seems to be what he is focusing on what is wrong with you or should I say troubling you.
I think you are right on target with that...I have to admit that the past few weeks he does seem VERY in tune to how I'm feeling, I've actually noticed that. How odd?
The weirdest thing is, he buys me stuff now. HE NEVER use to buy me anything unless it was NECESSARY (holiday/bdayetc), now, If I even mention something from a book to a piece of clothing....next day, zap, there it is. Today, he bought three books on CEOs because I'd mentioned I needed one for a course I'm taking. WEIRD!
Quote: You just can't see how much your H does want you
I hope that's true Joyful, because my GREATEST fear is to allow myself to be "conned" again.
Thanks for your post, it made me "count my postives" and that's always good for my vasillating PMA. T2
Quote: When I think about how bad things were a few months ago (H asking for a D), it helps me to plug along and take one day at a time.
Absolutely, a year ago I thought my world had come to an end...I NEVER in a million years thought we'd get to where we are today even if we are still far from "safe at home." So thank you for reminding me of that, how convienently I've forgotten that. T2
Joyful, Nik, Deb, JP and Sun Thank you all for stopping in to remind me that I'm missing seeing the forest for all the trees. You all helped my PMA tremendously today.
I guess I fail to have gratitude for what I do have now, as compared to what I had even one month ago.
When I am forced, by wonderful people like all of you, to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself and LOOK at where I am as opposed to where we were, I am grateful.
My fear is my greatest enemy at this point. Not all the painful past, not the As, not the hurtful words and misdeeds but my holding on to that pain and my fear of letting it go. It's crazy that we become "comfortable" with all that heartache and when it's not there, we miss IT.
ALL OF YOU have helped me tremendously tonight. Thank you for pulling me up short because I have been headed down a dangerous path with my failure to "count the positives" these past few days and there have been more of them, then there were negatives.
