I couldn't agree more with Gypsy's comment that "we are all abusers and all abused."
Abuse is a buzz word that carries so many different meanings. You said that you used to call it bitchiness on your part. So why do you now look at it as abuse? Because you read of it on anothers thread?
There is very definite, legitimate abuse that takes place in the world every day between men and women. Whether physical or emotional, it's a very real thing, a very terrible thing, and something that I would think would require years and years of therapy both to heal from and to stop doing.
I do not believe that you and your husband were abusive to each other, at least not in the pathological sense. You were a husband and wife who perhaps did not know how to communicate with each other. You did not know how to say what you needed, to say what was bothering you, to share what you were afraid of. All of us as human beings handle things differently. I, for example, am an avoider of unpleasantness for the most part. When I know there is an impending doom, I try to pretend it's not going to happen. It is a coping mechanism I suppose I learned as a child and through becoming an adult.
It's faulty though, and it's caused me many difficulties in my life. And therefore it was something I had to learn how to fix.
Kalni, it's ok to no longer be able to love someone who brought enough hurt in to your life that you no longer have the capacity to love them anymore.
It's happened to many of us. It is partially what makes it so difficult for some to recover from infidelity in relationships. When I finally got real with myself, I realized that the thought of my once faithful wife, the woman whom I had shared my first sexual experience with (and me hers), lying in bed with at least two other men that I knew of, would NEVER leave my mind. I realized that this particular betrayal had forever changed how I would see her and what I would feel for her.
The pain was too great. In the process of healing, I had to remove her from my heart. And once gone, there just was nothing left there for her.
If this is where you are, it's ok.
But stop saddling yourself with guilt. And stop allowing fear to rule your decisions.
We are all big boys and girls. We have learned so much, overcome so much. We are all more than capable of withstanding whatever difficulties life brings our way. In the midst of such a massive change in our lives, there is bound to be significant hurdles in front of us. But one day they will be crossed and life will return to a semblance of peace and order.
You will be fine.
Embrace your life.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
