Soooo what do you think made him finally "get it"?? I'm wondering on behalf of LL (lostlove) whose H seems about as thick as they come.
She could probably use some insights on this right about now.
Shiny
shhhh....you I'm not really here...
h isn't all that thick...he just doesn't get the whold big pic...he does lot's and lots but sometimes doesn't realize how easy it would be to just do a few of the little things I ask for. Not sticking up for him...just expressing that h does try.
thank you though for thinking of me with your inquiry...I did much of the same "stuff" before h actually came home...only I was way darker.
this piecing "stuff" aint all that easy...we the supposed "workers" on the r allow ourselves lots of pitty and way too many pats on the back (not all undeserved) and don't always bother to give any credit to the returning spouse. funny thing ya know...lots and lots of talk on the bb about the 5ll's...my h happens to have his...always has...that is were the problem lies...I can go for a while hearing him in his language and get "bratty" when I'm not hearing him speak MINE.
T2~ Thanks so much for really clarifying what happened to get your H to where he is today. You have done so much work to get where you are, yet you seem to realize that the work isn't over yet! You have a realistic attitude and the important thing is that you and your H are on the SAME PAGE about the R!! I am soo happy for you!! PS--Great positives again today!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Oops it's almost midnight so I better get my post in before it's tomorrow's post
Today I was a bad girl...sort of.
I went out last night and had a great time with some co-workers. I didn't miss H for a minute and completely enjoyed the time I was having. I purposely left my cell phone in the trunk of my car because I knew that he'd be calling me and I wasn't going to answer (while I was out in a pub) anyway.
I didn't bother to tell him I was going out with friends when he told me he'd be busy last night getting the bike ready and stuff, because I no longer keep him "informed" of my constant whereabouts. I know it's a childish sort of "payback" for all the months he felt what/where/and who he was with was none of my business, so I've decided to "use" a little of what "worked for him" to let him see first hand how it feels. HE NEVER comes out and asks me directly who I was with OR what I was doing, he's far more subtle than that. He'll say, "I called you twice last night. Did you go shopping." (as if to imply I couldn't possibly have a social life) so when he asked that today I very casually and confidently said, "No, I was out with friends." He looked at me and I could see something come across his eyes but I'm not sure what it was. In any event, he didn't ask any follow-up questions.
The fact that he doesn't always bugs me a little (I know, paradox!) because I ASSume it means he wouldn't care if I was with another man or eating Chinese food with my mom. I also get that little twinge like he figures, "Hey, I can't ask her what she's up to because I don't want her asking ME what I'm up to when she's not around." So it's a weird game altogether anyway.
Well...todays positives
H: Positives?
called this afternoon and asked me to meet him at the Cracker Barrel for dinner. During dinner he asked if I had any "running around to do in the area (like go to the dry cleaners or supermarket) and I said, 'No.' I then thought he was about to ask if he could come back to the house or something, but he didn't.
After dinner we stood out in the parking lot and talked for a few minutes and then he says, "Well, I have to run over to Lowe's for oil and a blower motor for DS, so I can help him with his side job tomorrow." He didn't ask me to ride over with him or even hint that he wanted me to offer to tag along, so after an uncomfortable momentary silence, I said, "Well, guess I'll let you run your errands." And he said, "Okay, I'll call you later." I said, "Fine." He says, "Is that okay? Is it okay?" I know I have my puffed up "YOU'RE DISAPPOINTING ME" body language/face on again but I say, "Sure." and quickly get in my car. He has me roll the window down and kisses me and says, "Drive safe. ILY." But I didn't even look at him.
I decided I didn't want to go straight home so I went to the bookstore and hung out til 9pm.
He called around 9:30 and I looked at the caller ID and decided that I wasn't in the mood to hear his voice so I didn't answer the call. I know that I did that because I wanted to make him "wonder" where I was AGAIN tonight, but I just couldn't help myself, I can't stand being predictable anymore. And to be perfectly honest, I guess while milling around the book store I was "imagining" that the reason he'd asked me if I had any running around to do and then NOT ask me to go with him to Lowe's made me wonder if he just wanted to be sure the "coast was clear" in the area he'd be doing something (?). PTSD YEP!
Today was not a good DB day for me. Today I was licking old wounds instead. MY BAD
It's good that you are still meeting him for dinner and keeping the contact going. Just don't stay on the "old wounds" bandwagon too long. You seem to get much more positive results when you just act happy and like you are busy with your own "social life".
Maybe it's time to start planning to do more socially where you could casually invite H to join you with an "Oh yeah, would you care to join me?" kind of question like it hadn't dawned on you before to ask him to join you in YOUR new social life, but you're feeling GENEROUS today, so you FEEL like inviting him along if he's interested. But make sure that if/when you do invite him, that you've got some really FUN social event to attend so that if he takes you up on the offer, he will really be able to see for himself the kind of fun you've been having without him. Maybe one good experience like that would bring him leaps closer to coming home and making up for all that he's put you through.
You've just had so many positive progresses in the past couple of weeks! Don't backslide like I feel I'm doing (except I'm not really DOING anything - it's H that seems to be backsliding, & I'm just feeling all the pain of the backslide). Get back on that positive track and stay there. You still have "falling in love all over again" to look forward to, so continue "dating" your H and make it fun and fulfilling for YOU and H.
Hey T2~~ I think it is okay to lick old wounds every once in a while, as long as you don't fall into a pattern of always punishing your H (or yourself, for that matter........)while you are doing it!!!
I laughed when I read this....
Quote: I know I have my puffed up "YOU'RE DISAPPOINTING ME" body language/face on again but I say, "Sure." and quickly get in my car. He has me roll the window down and kisses me and says, "Drive safe. ILY." But I didn't even look at him.
I used to do this stuff all the time to my H. It was like I had an idea of how he should behave and if he didn't live up to it, I got upset, but couldn't really explain why...I guess my point is...watch the high expectations....they always got me into so much trouble!!!
You are doing a great job, T2!!!!!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Thanks for stopping by with your advice, encouragement and insight. It's a little lonely "over here" I miss you guys in Newcombers and partly feel that I really still need to be there. I always go to the Newcombers board first when I log on to check up on all of you and IF I have something worthwhile to say I post.
I didn't post here yesterday, because I was feeling numb.
I'm feeling a little "sluggish" the past two days so my PMA is down. I think what a lot of it comes down to is that I'm spending a lot of time mulling over the "whys" of my Hs hesitancy to come home.
I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that HE is still controlling this whole mess. Just the fact that HE gets to decide when its Safe for him to come home really ticks me off because it still makes this entire nightmare ALL ABOUT HIM.
I have told him that our living apart is NOT the answer to working through our issues. That we can't build a new life on intermittent visits where we both act on our "best behavior"
In the recent past, I told him that we need to bite the bullet and make a genuine go of it, and if we can't/don't make it, then we'll both at least know that we really tried.
Saturday, H spent the day with one of our sons helping him with a little side biz he has and then came by to grill out last night. He was beat from having been in the sun all day and he had a vicious headache.
I told him how I'd reacted to the "Lowes" trip the night before and the "mind spiral" into the old doubts and fears that it caused. He said he was sorry to have caused those fears and will try to be more "aware" of how he comes across in the future. He then tried to reassure me that there was 'nothing' to be afraid of. BUT, the old me thought, yeah, have I heard that before!!
I was surprised when around 9:30, he asked if it was okay if he went to bed because he didn't feel well. I said, "Sure," thinking he was making his exit (my "fear/doubt" sharing no doubt adding to his feeling sick). He then says, "Are you coming?" Then I realize he meant "our bed"...so I said, "Ok" but I knew that he'd just be going to sleep which as far as I was concerned last night was just as well because I wasn't feeling "loving" anyway. So off we went, him to sleep, me to lie there watching TV.
This morning when I awoke around 9am he was gone. (He runs the AA meeting Sunday morning the last and 1st week of every month). He'd set up the coffee before he left, and I was actually glad he wasn't here.
We are suppose to go away the last week in September and I almost wish we didn't have to have any contact until the day the trip is to start.
I'm becoming listless and apathetic. I'm exhausted again from all of this and my heart is hardening to the process. I'm running out of anything to give to it.
So here I am, stuck in a rut and having trouble seeing the sun again.
I've seen some of your posts and you always seem so insightful decided to take the time today to finally stop by and check out your new thread!
The them controlling the whole mess is definitely a downer. I think that is one thing that gets me into trouble sometimes. Your H sounds a lot like mine from a post I read on Nik's thread so I had to check out the progress and see what you thought had turned things around for you in your sitch.
I haven't read your other threads so not familiar with the history but in a way sounds more like your PMA and possible assumptions are running your show right now for you? The reason I ask that is that would be me and when you described the Cracker Barrel dinner that was so us that I could see and feel you, because that is how I handle things. Non directly and assuming and choosing to allow my feelings to be hurt.
I think it sounds like doing something really nice for yourself or maybe rereading threads to see the actual progress or both might be a good thing?
Sure hoping you feel better soon. From this thread it does sound pretty good for the most part!
No sun here either just rain.
Guess just need to create our own sun!
Hope I don't sound ditzy or self righteous. I always worry, especially when posting on a thread I have never posted to before!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: that is how I handle things. Non directly and assuming and choosing to allow my feelings to be hurt.
You're right of course! I do "set myself up" or go "itching" for those bad feelings sometimes. I know that I still try desperately to make mountains our of moll hills, I guess for "fear" I'll "miss a red flag" this time or something.
When H returned from his meeting today, I was still in a funk and since I felt like I have "nothing more to loose" I addressed the issue about the Lowes event again the avalanche of past performance that my mind spiraled through as a result of it.
He said that while driving back to the house from his meeting he had gone over in his mind our talk from last night and decided that if his current living arrangement (he rents a room in a woman's house) was causing me to have these panics then he would move before the end of the month. He said, "If not home, somewhere that wouldn't cause me any doubts about his commitment to our R."
I told him that wasn't necessary, that I would take him on his "word" that my fears/insecurities were baseless and I'd try to work on accepting that what he says NOW is not filled with half truths etc..
Anyway, I feel better about openly expressing my fears and hearing him again reassure me that I am NOT alone in this effort to recommit.
Thank you for reminding me that I AM guilty of looking for trouble, when there isn't any. T2
MY BAD
