Thanks for stopping by with your advice, encouragement and insight. It's a little lonely "over here" I miss you guys in Newcombers and partly feel that I really still need to be there. I always go to the Newcombers board first when I log on to check up on all of you and IF I have something worthwhile to say I post.
I didn't post here yesterday, because I was feeling numb.
I'm feeling a little "sluggish" the past two days so my PMA is down. I think what a lot of it comes down to is that I'm spending a lot of time mulling over the "whys" of my Hs hesitancy to come home.
I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that HE is still controlling this whole mess. Just the fact that HE gets to decide when its Safe for him to come home really ticks me off because it still makes this entire nightmare ALL ABOUT HIM.
I have told him that our living apart is NOT the answer to working through our issues. That we can't build a new life on intermittent visits where we both act on our "best behavior"
In the recent past, I told him that we need to bite the bullet and make a genuine go of it, and if we can't/don't make it, then we'll both at least know that we really tried.
Saturday, H spent the day with one of our sons helping him with a little side biz he has and then came by to grill out last night. He was beat from having been in the sun all day and he had a vicious headache.
I told him how I'd reacted to the "Lowes" trip the night before and the "mind spiral" into the old doubts and fears that it caused. He said he was sorry to have caused those fears and will try to be more "aware" of how he comes across in the future. He then tried to reassure me that there was 'nothing' to be afraid of. BUT, the old me thought, yeah, have I heard that before!!
I was surprised when around 9:30, he asked if it was okay if he went to bed because he didn't feel well. I said, "Sure," thinking he was making his exit (my "fear/doubt" sharing no doubt adding to his feeling sick). He then says, "Are you coming?" Then I realize he meant "our bed"...so I said, "Ok" but I knew that he'd just be going to sleep which as far as I was concerned last night was just as well because I wasn't feeling "loving" anyway. So off we went, him to sleep, me to lie there watching TV.
This morning when I awoke around 9am he was gone. (He runs the AA meeting Sunday morning the last and 1st week of every month). He'd set up the coffee before he left, and I was actually glad he wasn't here.
We are suppose to go away the last week in September and I almost wish we didn't have to have any contact until the day the trip is to start.
I'm becoming listless and apathetic. I'm exhausted again from all of this and my heart is hardening to the process. I'm running out of anything to give to it.
So here I am, stuck in a rut and having trouble seeing the sun again.
