Not much I can add to what's already been said. How he could let his emotions prevent him from taking care of things (considering he messed up in the first place) boggle the mind. You, on the other hand, did great!
My problem is how to enforce a schedule on someone without a home! At this point I figure all I can do is document when he is actually with the kids, so that whenever we figure out our REAL custody terms I have a track record to base them on, not a theoretical 50/50 split...
So, this morning MIL calls. She had invited us over for dinner tonight after Nathan's karate. I was going to decline for myself, but have Dan take the kids over so I could have the evening free....
Well she called to say she is too tired to have us for dinner and to, in her words, "rescind the invitation"...She had her last chemo treatment last week and it is catching up with her.
I said no problem, of course, what else can you say?
Then, Dan called 30 minutes later, as we were ready to load up for church. (He was going to meet us at church) Well, he was sick as a dog, he said. His voice sounded like he was a 6 pack a day smoker.... He has had 'the crud' for a couple weeks now and he said it was really bad this morning, he was going to try to get to a clinic somewhere, etc...
So he didn't come to church with us. And when I told Nathan, he said, "But dad was going to take me to grandma's (MIL) to play Wii after church, he told me he would!" So I got to be the bad guy and cancel that....
I called my mom and she and my dad took the kids from me after church, they will keep them 3 more hours so I can get some work done.
I don't know how to enforce the boundaries, I guess. When Dan says he is too sick to come to church and his mom is too sick to have us for dinner, what am I supposed to say? MIL is Dan's back-up and neither of them were available today. Sigh.........
OH and after church I saw his tape measure on the floor of my passenger seat, he rode with us to the home show yesterday and must have left it. I ran it by his house after church to stick it in his front door, I figured he was at the doctor. Nope, he was hard at work on his house. So the only thing he was too sick for was his family.
After making this my home for just over a year, I decided what the hell and I called a DB coach. The things i have done this year have kept me "in the game" (meaning, the affair is over and neither of us had said we want a divorce and actually meant it , no actions taken in that way)---but they haven't helped me "seal the deal" (successfully piece).
So.....I decided that since I have been on a bit of a plateau, with Dan doing the "maybe/maybe not" cha-cha, it was time to Do Something Different. So I called the coach.
Seems I owe all of my buddies some $$ b/c she said what ya'll have been saying.
Rule #1--TALKING HAS BEEN TAKEN OFF THE TABLE Not all talking, that would be silly But "R" talk is verboten. We agreed that when ever he launches an "I want us to work out" message, via text, email, or whatever, I follow up on it, ready for "the plan"
which leads to
Rule #2--NO MORE LIST-MAKING/PLANNING/PUSHING My good pal Mikey tells me I overthink. Ding ding! We have a winner. Cheryl (DB Coach) said it was "cute" the way I always have a goal, a plan, a list.....but H doesn't see it that way. He sees pressure, expectations, disappointment when he doesn't reach my bar...
So....what HAS worked?
Rule #3--Witty banter/flirting is a GOOD thing In lieu of doing a temperature-check, go with the witty banter/sarcasm that was a hallmark of our dating relationship. During his A, my H would not flirt/banter with me. On and off during our piecing attempts we started up again. Lately the banter has been going pretty well. There was a suggestion to add some physical touches here and there...I mentioned I DID kick him in the butt the other night over some crack he made. She thought that was a good thing since he kept on teasing me. So I now have permission to kick his butt...
Rule #4 Family Time + Thinking Time = Growth??
I told her my concerns about having "happy family time" vs allowing H to miss us. I also mentioned his new house project and the hours he spends their on his own, as he told me, his "thinking time". She said it was good to have our Family Day on Sundays, with a couple of other positive experiences during the week. Then on the days when he is at his house working, his "thinking time" will include fun times with us and he may desire more of that...
Rule #5--RELAX! (and deflect)
I need to relax more around H and set a goal of him being relaxed more around me. If we typically have a little "r" talk right before he leaves, he is surely tensing up and leaving with that feeling of tension. If I am relaxed and fun, "light" when we are together, he may lose that tension over time as he sees I am not waiting to "pounce" with R talk or ??s
Deflect--When H does launch those messages "I don't know how to do this without you", "I am trying to figure out how to make us better", instead of following up/chasing that information, I should deflect. Say, "I am glad to know you feel that way" or "Thank you for sharing", or if he says he doesn't know how to make us work, just say "It's okay, just relax and we can enjoy each other and not worry about that right now", etc
My Challenge?
To do something thoughtful and non-pressured once or twice a week. For example, I invited him to the home show over the weekend. Not a high-pressure date, a trip to the home show to check out stuff for his house. And he accepted and we had a great time (until our car got towed)
Or, when I know he is over at the house working, pop by with a Mt. Dew or a Milky Way bar (his favorites) and encourage his efforts. Don't stay for an hour, just pop in for two or three minutes, encourage him on the house efforts, and leave. Give him a positive experience to "think" on while he works...
OK this is probably all information for me that you guys aren't interested in. It is also stuff you have pretty much all told me before
But it is kind of like when I wanted to lose weight. I could read all the books in the world about it but i didn't really do it until I shelled out cash to a weight loss center. Made me feel more proactive and accountable...
Not much new on the Dan front. He texted me during class last night to call him, major work problems. Then he texted that his parents would be bringing the kids in to me after my class.
I called at the next break and he was freaking out. They finally were closing the deal for the meat plant they bought up in Canada several months ago (hence all the fall trips to Canada).
Anyway he was to have sent in all pertinent documents by close of business yesterday. He was trying to send them in from his parents and their email was jacked up, system crashed, yada yada. So in his words, he was "driving a billion miles an hour to get the documents to (boss) that were needed hours ago". I did the whole listen/validate thing and told him to get off the phone so he could focus on what needed to be done, then I wished him luck with it.
Today he sent me the names of our PPO providers for Sydney's glasses. And he said he wanted to come with us to pick them out. So that is one of my new goals, positive family/together time. Not sure when we are going though...
So........the free advice given wasn't incentive enough to get you motivated to try it huh? Imagine that! I think we are all the same exact way though. Until you shell out the bucks, you don't rely on the info too much.
I will pray that you and Dan find your way through this.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks! I didn't mean it like that, of course I value all of the advice you guys have given me. I just felt like somehow I wasn't doing it/following it and I needed to do something to get me focused on the goal and to quit sabotaging myself...
The coach said our situation appeared far from fatal since he is still professing that he loves me, doesn't want a divorce, and wants to figure out how to make us work. She said he probably feels very "judged/scrutinized" by me whenever he is around, because he knows I have this 'list' in my head of what i expect from him. And he knows he is not doing the stuff on the list.
Anyway not much else going on. Gotta go upstairs and finish making supper.
Just a driveby hug. Sounds like your finding some sort of peace. It's nice to be somewhat in control. How are the kids doing?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Yes, I think you nailed it. Talking to the coach made me felt like I was actively DOING something. Since I can't take any big actions with Dan, (except to file and I do NOT want to do that) I wanted to do SOMETHING different.
I realize that letting go and taking care of me is an action, it just doesn't feel very 'active'.
So now that I have "goals" laid out, I feel better about things. And more relaxed which is always good.
The kids are doing well. I get to go read to Nathan in kdg. today b/c he was the Pal of the Week. Sydney is going to be getting glasses, so after school we are going to the eye doctor to start looking for a pair she will like and wear. I am thinking it will involve pink/purple/blue with glitter/sparkle of some kind. They have a Disney Princess line of glasses I am sure she will love.
Dan showed up last night, I was totally surprised. He had called me earlier in the day about [censored]'s eye doctor. I told him I was making super nachos for dinner at Nathan's request, he was welcome to join us. Then I said I knew he had a lot of work to do on the house so I was fine if he didn't.
Anyway we had eaten, the kids had bathed and we were down on the computer to check on Nathan's Webkinz frog. I was playing a game to earn him points and the phone rang. I ignored it. I was trying to make a point to Nathan about how he gets so involved in his computer games he tunes everything out. He couldn't believe Mommy didn't get the phone b/c she was playing a game...
Well five minutes later there is a knock on the door. Turns out H had called to see if we were around, then he just came over. It was 8 and he was still dressed from work. Said he just finished up for the night since they are still hard at work on the merger. He stayed until almost 10.
While the kids were playing with him Nathan mentioned a hockey night coming up where our school gets discounted tickets to an Omaha hockey game. Dan said he would like to go with us. So I am getting us tickets. Coincidentally, it falls on the same day (3/20) as our first date, and the day he proposed to me (he proposed on our 5th dating anniversary). March 20 will be 17 yrs since our first date.
, no actions taken in that way)---but they haven't helped me "seal the deal" (successfully piece). 
They have a Disney Princess line of glasses I am sure she will love.