I'm here........

[SueS]

Hi there-

Hi Starting. Thanks for checking in. No Code, Thanks for the Valentine's greetings. I've lurked a little, but I have been busy. Unfortunately, not for fun though! I had a bad cold and I've been busy at work.

I just got my internet hooked back up at home....welcome back to modern day living Sue! I have a few projects that I want to work on and I need the internet. I was apprehensive about setting it up because H was constantly on it when we had it before. But, he can get on it at work, at the library....so, it's not like hooking it up at home will prevent anything.

Life at home has been cold to say the least. At first I put it on H's job. I went back to my old thinking of....well, H is just stressed because his job sucks. But you know what? H says he's worried about losing his job, but has been planning a trip to Vegas & LA with his brother in April. He's complaining about money but said they're thinking of taking my FIL fishing over Memorial Day weekend. You know what? His stress over his job gives him no right to use me as the target for his anger. I've made an effort to make this work since he's been back. Now it's his turn.

I haven't gotten to the point where I'm ready to ask him to leave....but I feel close a lot of days. He's starting to pull some of the same crap. Over the past 2 weekends, he's gone out to spend time with "friends" 4 times. We took D4 to a McDonald's with a playland last weekend. It was one that I'd never been to. As we were walking up, D4 pulled me back and whispered.....Mommy, this is the playland that daddy took me to a long time ago when we met OW and her little girl. I felt so bad that D4 had to feel like she couldn't say it out loud in front of H and that she knew there was something wrong with it. As we walked it, I looked at H and said....Real nice that you brought us to this one. His face went flush and he looked down. That was all on top of the fact that we were supposed to have been spending the afternoon together (me, H & D4), shopping and going to dinner. H acted as if he was tired and didn't feel like shopping, that he'd rather just take her to go play. On the way there, I saw a map drawn out on his dash.....Oh yeah, um, my co-worker wants me to come up tonight to hang out...his girlfriend is going out and he's having some buddies over. I blew. I said, Well, why didn't you say.....Gosh dude, I went out last night, the Friday night before and you know what....I have plans with my family tonight. I got no answer. So, guess what time he got home? 2:00 am. Yep, drunk. I truly hope that between now and his March 30th court date that nothing happens. I also hope that on that court date, he gets heavy probation and is required to go to classes. The DUI has certainly not made him stop. So, that night when he was at his friend's house, he called. He said....and not in a snotty tone, surprisingly,...Since you freaked out early today that I didn't tell you about my plans for tonight, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to go hit golf balls and play simulated golf with so & so. Whatever!! Go! My thoughts are that he did not go play golf. I have an idea of where he was.

I have been planning D4's 5th birthday party also. It will be at the end of March. She's getting so excited. H mentioned something about them having beer there. She told him no, that he couldn't have any. I said...this is her party, not yours. He thought it was funny and said that he'd just mix up some vodka lemonades and sneak them in. D4 told him that he couldn't come then.

I've kept myself busy and despite how things sound, I've kept positive. I did start working out. With my bad cold and our cold, snowy weather, I'll admit that I haven't gotten there as often as I should, but I am getting there. I finished a book and am 1/2 way through another one. Like I said, I hooked my internet back up at home. I found a couple of possibly ways to make a little bit of extra money and I hope I can do that.

Another thing that has kept me very, very preoccupied this week has been my 14-year old niece. She's been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems the past year from a 3-wheeler accident last Feb. My sister and BIL have done an amazing, exhausting amount of work to give her every advantage they can to keep her positve and motivated (doctors, special programs at school, leave of absense for my sister...etc). When I say doctors and special programs, I just mean that the accident has left her with a lot of headaches, which in turn caused her to miss a lot of school and unable to participate in most activities and in turn she's become depressed...etc. She admitted to them on Sunday that her depression has gotten worse and although she doesn't feel she could carry it out, she has come up with a plan that she feels would work to kill herself. We were was devastated to find out that she feels this pain. I've been where she is and I never, ever wanted anyone that I love to have to feel that type of pain. I reached out to her and I hope the more people that do will help her.

I want everyone to know that I'm not looking for advice as far as my situation. I'm just updating and venting a bit. I know where I'm at and what the best solution would be for me and D4. I'm just not ready to be there yet. I feel a lot stronger, but I'm just not there yet.

All my best to everyone here. I'll be back on soon. Take care and have a great weekend.

SueS