Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[Lostforwords]

It sounds like you are fighting a good battle. I am kind of down, so there will be no constructive comments this evening other than keep up the hard work.

[hopefulinEG]

Tonight was more of the same. Her being pretty snapish and B$tchy. I ignored it and was cheerful. We went to D6 1st grade performance tonight. She actually sat next to me during it. She didn't sit down until right when it started but did sit with me and D8.

I see her anger getting worse and worse and I am going to see that as a good sign instead of bad. More intense feelings might mean more feelings both ways and the anger is to wipe away the good feelings that she doesn't want right now.

My PMA is also doing better the last few days. I am making a big effort to face my fear of losing her and stop thinking about that. I read on one of the Wisdom of Veterans threads that "You may notice that you have a drop in PMA just before you gain a new level of detachment." I think is exactly what just happened with me. My PMA dropped really low but now I have a new level of detachment and my PMA is back up.

[Lostforwords]

They will do whatever it takes to justify their actions...and that does include built up anger. One of things that got me for a loop was my wife bringing home angry from her other relationship and letting it go here. It took a long time for me to realize what it was, but it is there. Another odd thing with her anger was that as I accomplished 180's, especially with my children, she would become very resentful. So with the knowledge from the board I built up an internal wall to help in reacting to these actions.

You are continuing to do awesome and keep up the good work. You can control your PMA roller coaster, but try not to let her roller coaster affect you.

[Lostforwords]

They will do whatever it takes to justify their actions...and that does include built up anger. One of things that got me for a loop was my wife bringing home angry from her other relationship and letting it go here. It took a long time for me to realize what it was, but it is there. Another odd thing with her anger was that as I accomplished 180's, especially with my children, she would become very resentful. So with the knowledge from the board I built up an internal wall to help in reacting to these actions.

You are continuing to do awesome and keep up the good work. You can control your PMA roller coaster, but try not to let her roller coaster affect you.

[hopefulinEG]

I have been wondering lately whether it is a good or bad idea to try to initiate some intimacy. We were intimate right up until we had the last fight that she said she was through and it was infact some of the best we ever had. I have not tried to initiate anything for 2 months. One of the reasons she said for her "falling out of love" was my not wanting to be intimate as often as she wanted and I didn't take her hints.

So this would maybe show that I am interested in that but maybe it is pursuing or pushy.

Any advice?

[hopefulinEG]

Just got off the phone with W. She was calling to find out if I had to work late since she has a College Meeting tonight that is very important. I said that I'm not positive but it looks like we will be staying late and she should get someone ready to watch the kids to be safe. She said OK. Then I started to explain why I was going to have to stay late and she cut me off part way through and said "I get it, your staying late". Then we said goodbye and hung up.

This was a reminder to me to not try to explain/defend myself. I am still doing that sometimes and it pisses her off. This goes along with the listen and don't give advise something I used to always do but am mostly not doing anymore.

A better way to respond would have been to say - "I understand how frustrating this must be for you, having to get a babysitter at the last minute."

[spellfire]

I have been wondering lately whether it is a good or bad idea to try to initiate some intimacy.

If that's a 180 for you I would say try it and see what happens. If one of her complaints is not enough, then you may see a change as a result. Just be prepared, since you may get turned down.

[hopefulinEG]

I have been wondering lately whether it is a good or bad idea to try to initiate some intimacy.

If that's a 180 for you I would say try it and see what happens. If one of her complaints is not enough, then you may see a change as a result. Just be prepared, since you may get turned down.

Actually initiating isn't a 180 because I was always the initator. But that was because she stopped initiating after getting turned down so often. She basically waited for me to initiate every time.

But is still a 180 for me to be more interested in ML.

[hopefulinEG]

Still need to work on validating her feelings. Another opportunity missed this morning.

We took DD's to see the new 3D Jonas Brother Concert movie this morning and on the way out my D8 asked if she could call her Grandmother (who is taking her to the city for the night). I thought I heard W say go ask XX (Me) for her phone. Well it turns out that she actually said wait until we get home. So I offered D8 my phone to call my mother. When we got in the car W said why did you let D8 call when I said she couldn't. I immediately appoligized and said I didn't hear her say she couldn't call. And W was obviously still very pissed. I could have used that situation to validate her feelings and say "I understand how frustrating that would be." I have to remember this.

It was otherwise not a good or bad morning. Still a lot of anger/anoyance from W. It does start to make me pissed but I am getting good at not letting that show at all and I am trying real hard to not get resentful and remember that she is angry and mean because she is hurt and I need to be patient.

I have another opportunity tonight when we take D6 for ice cream and to rent a movie. We are spending special time with her since D8 gets to go with Grandma to the city.

I will keep it in the front of my mind to listen and validate her feelings and not let her push any of my buttons.

[pollyanna]

Throw them back in the bin. Nice gestures like that probably come off as weak and willing. Not attractive.