It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[sandycay]

Well, I have tried to start this new thread numerous times but end up erasing it everytime.

I do not know where H and I are right now. Everything is calm and peaceful. He seems to be fully engaged in making his place in the house. These are all great things.

H has been honest about his "lingering" feelings for OW. We have had a few discussions about this over the last couple of weeks as the circumstances that came up a few weeks ago has sent me into an unforseen tailspin. I am depressed for the first time in my life.

I have a H that by all appearances and actions loves me and wants me to be happy and is so remorseful for his actions. I have a H that has confessed to still be in Love with the OW, there has been no contact since May. I have to be honest and say I feel like I am living a slow death of my heart and soul.

He is great man and I know that he is being honest with his feelings (he doesn't want to deceive me) but everytime I feel close to him.... there it is .my heartbreak..... my lack of understanding how he could still after 10 months love this OW. On top of that, he knows that he was/is in love with the fantasy of what she portrayed herself to be..... she turned out to be a you-know-what.

We had a conversation Wed. night and it really boils down to can I choke it back and live like this? for how long? How will I know when it's done for him? Or We can seperate and let him deal with it on his own as he should have done instead of running right back to me as a safety net. Or we can just be done. These are my decisions to make.. None of these options are good..... there are so many sacrifices in all of them.

I truly do not understand how he can think he can love her and love me like he does. He says he just wants to happy and have every day happy but understands why that's hard for me to pretend to do.

He says I deserve better... that I should make a decision and stick to it....that he will never leave the house or the kids & me again, I would have to ask him to leave and he would respect that and take care of us like he did last year. It wouldn't be ugly just very sad. He doesn't understand that if this is where he wants to be why he has these lingering feelings. He said that he doesnt' spend a lot of time dwelling on it though.

Enough about him though.... My friends, I am not sure how to manage this emotion I have. I fear that the final blow, the last nail as been struck within me. I can't pretend that this problem isn't there... I try... I have tried.... I am not successful and last night it hit me. It hurts to give so freely and to be so close and open and know I am sharing a space in his heart.

The boundary was set a year ago.... she's out or your out. I won't share.... so now what do I do? How in the heck can I set a boundary on a fantasy. I find it hard to believe that we came so far in this and the reason my marriage is going to fail is not because my H had an affair, lied, left my kids and me in a matter of hours, was an absent dad and never looked back for me, but because he can't get over the feeling of "love" he has for a f*ck*ng wh*re. There I said it. I have tried to be nice. I feel like I am being disrespected and my self esteem is crashing.

He has said he will go to counseling (in a can't stand to do that tone).. but he hasn't ..... I am not going to force him or set it up for him. If he really wanted to help get over that he needs to do that for himself and for us.

I am sadden by all of this.

I am having surgery on Monday and will be on serious drugs for about 10 days ... so if my post are out of whack it's the drugs talking not me. ;-)