I dont' even know where to start. I never picture myself posting in a place like this.
My thoughts are all over the place these days, and there is so much to tell, so I'll just try to give a big picture.
But a quick recap of what has happened is that my wife of 10yrs dropped the bomb on me a couple months ago. She said that she wants a divorce because she doens't feel any love for me and that she feels like we have lived like roommates for awhile now. In retrospect, I can see why she felt this way. We have a 4yr old child, and since the birth, and I even felt like we never had any time together anymore. I felt all alone and lonely for a long time after the birth, and and I guess she did too. I've just started reading Divorce Remedies and I can really see how we had a bad cycle of things we each were inadvertently were doing to each other, while feeling lonely at the same time. She wanted to do this and that and see a counselor, I wanted her to come home earlier or come back downstairs after putting our son to bed so we could spend time together. But neither one of us really responded to the other cause we both wanted to do things our way. And I think we both withdrew from each other more and things would get worse, although ironically, we both wanted the same thing in the first place. And we also did have the fights about such things as helping with the chores around the house, which I do realize that I didnt' do my part in, but all of which ties into other bad cycles of things we were doing to each other inadvertantly.
But it really doesn't matter how we got to where we are now, or the fact that we can see what happened along the way, because the problem is that she has no feelings for me now. And according to her, she even sees all the positive changes I have made in the past few months, but she just doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on cause she sees no possibility of loving me again. What hurts even more is that she says between her past IC and reading self help books, and self reflection, she realizes that she never really loved me that much in the beginning. I'm trying to just chaulk that comment up to her state of mind right now, or else I think feelings of anger, hurt or mistrust will start to grow in my head.
But I have been trying to focus on improving myself, and have in the past few weeks learned that I do need to stop 'pursuing' and let her have space. We were in MC together for the past month, but we had our last session last night. She doesn't want to do it anymore. She says she doesnt' get anything out of it, and is already 'healed' from her past IC and doesnt' need to work on healing for the marriage anymore...and that she now only wants time and space to think and maybe see if she even misses me. Since we started the MC, I know she didnt' really want to do go. Its ironic cause she wanted us to go for MC a long time ago, but I didn't really know we had such serious issues and didnt' know why we would need to see an MC. And now we are in the reverse position.
I am halfway through reading the DR book, and I am trying to stay strong, but it is hard.....really, really hard.
Now, it seems we barely talk except for small talk for 30min at dinner time. We have no physical contact. It used to be her putting our son to bed and falling asleep in his bed, while I was all alone hoping she would come back downstairs to spend time. But now I have been putting our son to bed and sleeping in his bed, just cause I'm so tired all the time now, and I want to give her space.
I dont' know what to do or what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I'm so confused. I've changed many things as a person recently, and I think she has noticed...which is good. But I don't know if her stopping with the MC last night changes things for the worse or not since she never wanted to do the MC anyway. But I think the fact that she says she needs space to think and see if she can miss me is a sign that she isn't 100% decided to divorce yet, but it still feels like she's 99% decided.
One of the things she mentioned in MC is that she doesn't like the way I communicate with her. Although I never mean to communicate in a way that makes her feel bad, but I guess it comes across that way. And the counselor asked her if it would help if that changed, and she said maybe. So I think I also will be trying to find a good book on better communication habits/techniques.
You can probably tell that my thoughts are all over the place. And they are. I have been so lost, so lonely, so confused, so everything you can think of for the past couple months. I dont' know if she has any idea how much she really means to me and how much I love her, and I dont' know if she even cares anymore. I dont' really have anyone to talk to. My close friends have all moved away, and I dont' feel that close to them anymore. And I dont' want to tell family about this cause I don't want them to think negatively about her in the chance that we do make it through this.
I don't know if I should be or can be doing anything else right now except improve myself, try to fix any 'flaws' in myself that contributed to the situation I'm in, and just be cordial and give her her space for now. Though I'm partly posting just to talk cause I feel I have noone to talk to, any thoughts would be appreciated. And any recommendations of a good book to be a better communicator would be appreciated too.
