I think what finally "turned him around" was a culmination of things. I had backed off. I had stopped (for a long time saying ILY) I let him say it first and SOMETIMES I would say ILY2, other times I just said, "Thank you" (stupid I know but saying ILY back just didn't feel right sometimes). I stopped calling him unless it was either absolutely necessary OR if he specifically asked me to call him. I stopped asking his whereabouts or plans. I stopped inviting him over. I stopped 98 % of ALL R issue discussions. I did continue to stay "upbeat", when he called I "sounded happy to hear from him" I called him "Hon" on occassion. I touched his hand when we talked sometimes to emphasis a point. I remembered to compliment him when he looked nice, did something nice (unexpected), I let him know I enjoyed our "dates" by saying, "I had a wonderful evening/afternoon/weekend (whatever), thank you." I began letting him initiate our plans, he asked if we could do such and such on Saturday, he began to ask if he could come by tonight, he increased the number of phone calls to me. (I continue to randomly select certain calls NOT to answer).
I could "See" that he was "coming around" but I was becoming increasingly impatient, so one night recently I decided that I'd had about enough of "not knowing" where we were headed so I threw all caution (and DB principles) to the wind and gave him a piece of my mind. I think you can find that little tirade in my Ugh Oh Help thread. That night, he didn't run, he didn't get defensive, he sat and took what I was dishing out. Months ago he would have said, "See this is exactly what I'm talking about, this will never work because no matter what I say or do it won't be enough." THIS TIME although I could "see" that he wanted to say something like that once or twice...he couldn't get it out. Instead, he sat there resignedly and took it all in. I fully expected NOT to hear from him the next day. I expected him to "hide" but he didn't INSTEAD it was as if all the pleading, begging, nagging, crying of all the previous months of this hell suddenly broke through to him. He said that night that he still wasn't ready to come home but that WAS what he was trying to do, that's what he wants to do. And this time when he said it, I believed him.
Things have been different between us since that night. I don't really know why, I can't really explain it, but there is a more peaceful, safeness between us now.
Am I leery? Of Course, remember we're all shell shocked from this nightmare, but I'm also for the first time in over a year feeling safe to believe that he and I DO have the same agenda. Will we get there? Don't know. Are we BOTH really trying now? YES
