Being content for now.

[kissak]

oh...some good news....Ive lost 4 pounds this week!! I dont know, but I find it much easier to focus on losing weight when I am in limbo like this. It gives me something to focus on instead of worrying about my H and "the decision". I havent splurged on anything in a week! Im very excited about that.

ONly about 20 more to go.

[mishka422]

AWESOME NEWS KISSAK!!!!!!!! 4 pounds in a week is impressive! What kind of exercise are you doing to lose that much?

[kissak]

Hey Mishka....not doing to much exercising, just cutting my calorie intake back right much....youd be surprised how many calories we can eat in one day or just one meal!!

[mishka422]

I track my calories for every meal. Never break 1100 for the day and walk 3 miles twice a week and use my eliptical for 30 minutes nightly and still can't lose anything!

[kml]

"I track my calories for every meal. Never break 1100 for the day and walk 3 miles twice a week and use my eliptical for 30 minutes nightly and still can't lose anything!"

Sounds like a thyroid problem to me!!!!

Ellie

[kissak]

I was fixing to say....I cant believe you cant lose weight if you are doing all that! I dont break a 1000 and i barely exercise and im losing it easy.

[kissak]

I have come to realize that i have had enough of my H's back and forths. His indecisiveness is horrible for me.

He decided last night that he wasnt coming home. This time I think its for good. ALthough I still get the "I dont know what the future holds" crap.

He couldnt even bare to tell me to my face. He ran away just like always. Which is ironic because he always accused me of running away.

I do know it was hard for him. I do know he didnt mean to hurt me. I know he didnt want to. But for him it was about making a decision, whether right or wrong. He told me that I deserved more than what he could ever give me. He told me he did love me and that he did care about me.

Even told me that he would always put me first. ??

The good thing is that I do forgive him. He told me he was sorry more times that I can count. He asked for my forgiveness. I told him what kind of person would I be if I didnt forgive you.

But things will never be the same.

I did get him to agree that he wouldnt take the kids around any girlfriends until he had been with the same one for more than 6 months, which really isnt long enough, but at least he agreed. He even asked if that went for me to. Although I dont know what that would matter to him.

Im ok today. Im mad. Upset and angry that I let him suck me back in this time. Im hurt, but not like before. I cant explain it.

I told him that he couldnt do this again.

That I had to stop being his safety net.

He still wants to be friends.

But understands if I dont want to be.

He has no idea what he is in for.

He'll want to come back....again and again.

But I have to be strong enough to say no.

I think I finally am.

[mishka422]

Kissak,

I'm sorry it has come to this but you have an answer and you know what you can tolerate. His behavior has been keeping you reeling and second guessing yourself and him for far too long. It's not a healthy way to live. You seem at peace with the decision and that IS healthy!

I've actually had a full battery of hormone testing, thyroid levels, etc., but nothing comes up out of range. The Dr.'s are stumped and now that I have no insurance I can't go back for more tests.

[kissak]

Thanks Mishka...have you found me on the alt yet??

That is odd about the docs not knowing whats going on with you. I know a lady that simply had her gall bladder taken out and then she lost weight. Who knows.

Dont remind me about the no insurance part....yuck!

I guess now my H will probably proceed with the divorce. We will be able to get that in April of this year. HE just got a big check from work and im sure he will take that and pay for it asap.

He has texted me today. Wanting to say hello, and even said that I must be really mad at him.....then later it was, I guess your not talking so much today. Ive just given him very short nondescriptive answers if any at all. He is not going to have everything the way he wants it and he has to deal with that.

I am at peace. Really I am. I dont like that he isnt coming back, but honestly, I dont think I could have ever trusted him. And maybe down the road things may be different. Maybe this isnt the piece of the puzzle thats missing. Maybe Im trying to cram a piece of the puzzle into a place that it wont fit....hopefully God has that piece and in time it will show up. Make any sense?

I just wish I didnt have to be around him tomorrow all day. Im sure he will want to act like everything is ok, just like today. He called this morning and wanted to talk to me and the kids. Im just going to slowly try to back away for a while.

[mishka422]

Your peace will return slowly Kissak. You will definitely have to stick to your guns though. Your H is all about pushing boundaries and you're going to need to be very strict with yours in order to protect yourself.

I've been looking for you on the alt. Are your RL initials CS?