So this evening she gave me the whole "I am soooo tired, I'm exhausted, promise you wont bother me again tonight" thing.
The reality is that she has been going to bed a few hours past her bedtime each night this week and it is catching up on her. 30 minutes of interrupted sleep one night is not going to turn her into a zombie the way she is complaining it did. I just kept my mouth shut and did all the things that needed doing: picked up dinner, put gas in her car, cleaned the living room, did all the dishes, gave D4 a bath and got her ready for bed. W couldn't really say much since all she had to do was eat, wash up, and go to bed.
Before she went upstairs I asked her to do the 5LL quiz. Looks like I was off on my assessment. She scored extremely high in acts of service and high in words of affirmation, medium in QT, low in physical touch and practically nothing in gifts (1/12). No wonder she basically tossed my gifts aside and showed no appreciation in the past. That would really hurt my feelings. While doing the quiz she said "you never get me gifts so I had a difficult time with this question". I said "gifts must not be that important to you, since you don't recall the things I have given you". I have given her something every birthday, xmas, anniversary, mothers day, and valentines day, return from business trips, and many more in the past 8 years. She has a patchy record with me, I don't think I've received a birthday gift from her for a few years now. Yet, still her recollection is that I never give her anything.
I scored highest in physical touch, and only 1 point less was words of affirmation. Quality time matched hers: (6/12) average. I was lowest in acts of service and gifts. My scores were well aligned with how I thought I was as I read through the book.
What does this tell me? Well, I need to look at acts of service as a way to tell her I love her. This means finding things to do for her that she doesn't expect me to do. Putting gas in her car without her asking me to is one I have been doing that I never did before. Words, this is huge for me, I can definitely do more here, plus it's free and easy to do. She did tell me she feels loved, and lately bragged to her co-workers that she hasn't had to clean a toilet since we got married.
I don't want anyone to think things are unfair though, we have an agreement in place that is very fair to me. W is far from spoiled princess status.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Wake her up in the middle of the night for ML ? Can't imagine my W not being very very pissed/mad if I did that to her. Maybe it's the state of my/our relationship but I think it is almost certain I would suffer serious wrath from her if I woke her up for sex.
Waking her up in the middle of the night, I call BS! I can't imagine doing that now, maybe that should be the ultimate goal of mine, because if I could do that and get away with it, my relationship would have to be very very solid.
I'm struggling with a feeling that I get when I read your last post, and I'm not sure if it's a good one.
I feel like your W gets to have her cake and eat it too. Like she's not being required to be your woman. But you have to continue spinning wheels and doing more and more and more. I'm sure she appreciates the clean toilet and not having to lift a finger at night... But, appreciation doesn't replace giving your man some luvin'.
I guess we all have to get to the point of being ready to stand our ground and feel confident enough to say "I love you, have always loved you, and I need you to LOVE ME NOW."
I'm too tangled up in my issues right now to know if my feelings about my situation are influencing what I feel when I read your situation.
Anyway, I have this urge to tell you to stop scrubbing the toilet and putting gas in the car and being Mister Everything. Make her be a wife and mother. Cut her loose and make her stand up on her own two feet. If you don't want her to get her hands dirty, pay for a housekeeper - but don't stoop over your toilet AND make the money. Love yourself, respect yourself, stand proud, and be the man.
Acts of service. What-EV. "Here's an act of service - I paid the mortgage today. Now love me right, woman."
To clarify, I think it's great that you participate and do so much. I'm not a staunch traditionalist, but my preference does lean toward traditional roles (man as hunter/gatherer, woman as burner of the homefire). I feel annoyed that your feeling like you still have to do more when you do so much more than many men already. Are you leaving her any room to do anything in her role as your woman?
Waking her up in the middle of the night, I call BS!
lol, you don't have to believe me, I still enjoyed it regardless!
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Wake her up in the middle of the night for ML ? Can't imagine my W not being very very pissed/mad if I did that to her. Maybe it's the state of my/our relationship but I think it is almost certain I would suffer serious wrath from her if I woke her up for sex.
My W knows I am frustrated and have a hard time keeping my hands off her, so she cuts me some slack sometimes. Typically me bothering her at night is met with anger, but the other night something was different. I did get all the next day complaining however, but it wasn't really what you would call wrath. DBing is "opening" my W to me, first on an emotional level, and gradually on a physical level.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I'm struggling with a feeling that I get when I read your last post, and I'm not sure if it's a good one.
I feel like your W gets to have her cake and eat it too. Like she's not being required to be your woman. But you have to continue spinning wheels and doing more and more and more. I'm sure she appreciates the clean toilet and not having to lift a finger at night... But, appreciation doesn't replace giving your man some luvin'.
I guess we all have to get to the point of being ready to stand our ground and feel confident enough to say "I love you, have always loved you, and I need you to LOVE ME NOW."
I'm too tangled up in my issues right now to know if my feelings about my situation are influencing what I feel when I read your situation.
Anyway, I have this urge to tell you to stop scrubbing the toilet and putting gas in the car and being Mister Everything. Make her be a wife and mother. Cut her loose and make her stand up on her own two feet. If you don't want her to get her hands dirty, pay for a housekeeper - but don't stoop over your toilet AND make the money. Love yourself, respect yourself, stand proud, and be the man.
Acts of service. What-EV. "Here's an act of service - I paid the mortgage today. Now love me right, woman."
Wow - Where the heck is this coming from???
I hope it helps and doesn't do damage.
DQ-Help!
Lucky
No damage LG. Don't worry, I'm a big boy.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, especially since I have been exploring what it means to be a man. Basically I have decided to put the inequities on hold until our R is as strong as it can be. W was ready to walk only four months ago, and I am still working on fixing the issues that got us to that point. So far she hasn't really had to do anything.
Believe me, I am familiar with that feeling you said you are struggling with. One of my complaints about W for the longest time is an inability to see things from others' pov. She can be quite egocentric. This issue alone has caused many problems for me. The only way to get W to realize what you are going through is if she experiences it herself. She is the type of person who always thinks that what she has to go through and deal with is much worse than yours (until she has to do it herself). In the past I have let her experience things that she could not appreciate by way of empathy alone. While this gets the message across, she also complains that I am "teaching her a lesson" and "treating her like a child".
Just so you don't think it is completely one sided, W is not a stay at home Mom. She works a job just like me, plus she is in weekend school. She is responsible for preparing dinner (although she doesn't cook nearly as much as she should).
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Ah, that puts a new light on it. Work plus school plus kids=MAYHEM. She's overwhelmed, for sure. I'd be ordering dinner in frequently, too. You're awesome to be so supportive and patient, Mike.
Yeah, we are both overwhelmed. I need to handle all the things that she does not have time for, solo parent almost every weekend (since she is either in school or catching up on work or homework), and somehow romance her somewhere in there.
In April she will be done with school (6 yrs later), so we are both excited about that.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
