Al, during the MC exercises, we had to write down what we are afraid of in relation to our spouse. 95% of his fears were about me handling the aftermath of his choices and the way I would do it. The other 1% was not having a good sexual life (I have GOT to laugh about this one but...). He never mentioned all the things he accused me of being :selfish, mean, not a good person etc etc... It's like, all of the sudden, I am a cool wife to have but he is not sure I can forgive and forget the way HE wants me to, meaning without him lifting a finger... I am not that good of a Christian, I confess... K
I think this is a good start. What your expectations are of each other. Do you think he is scared of your reactions... maybe walking eggshells one result of this may be he is more hesitent in his actions towards you.
Just an idea, let me now if I am way off the mark...
No, you are spot on. Problem is I cant find in me the strength and patience to be loving with him. Especially since I feel I deserve to be the one nurtured at this point. I think, I dont love him at all anymore and not that I am so hurt that I am not leting him in like my C says. I am trying to figure this one out. K
It sounds like you are putting so much pressure on yourself. When you are under that much pressure how can you expect yourself to feel loving. It also puts a lot of pressure on him too and we have seen how the WAS reacts to pressure too (he is still at least half WAS after all). It may be why he is still burying himself in work. I know you want him to step up to the plate but how can he really when he is scared/ unsure of your reactions.
You must have so much going on in your head with the revelations that counselling brings - it always takes me time to digest these things. You are also expecting to see results. What results are you hoping to see? Let’s work out how you can bring them about, that in turn may or may not evoke those loving feelings again.
Step back Maria, give yourself time and space to work. It is ok to give yourself a mental break from it too if you need to and regain your strength and come back fresh. You have the means to do that, starting divorce won't necessarily give you that break as it brings out a whole new set of emotions.
The sad fact is that we're all abused.. AND abusers when a relationship takes a turn for the worst.
The only control we have is whether or not we're a victim.
Being a victim means pointing the finger, blaming the other, feeling that we're helpless.
Getting healthy means taking responsibility for our actions, letting go and doing work to be the best we can be. We focus on ourselves to be the best person possible.
Get healthy and the rest follows. Stay stuck and we're walking in muck.
*hugs*
Your sometimes muck walking, sometimes clean hopping buddy.
Still following along.... we are alike in very different situations. Last year before I really detached I had many moments of thought. When it came down to it the most primal emotion I had about my H and I divorcing was fear. I was afraid of everything, when I let go of that fear and let be.... was when the realization..... of self started. I feel this may be what you are grappling with. Fear is a powerful emotion and should be noticed but we can't live our lives in fear of..
You are only capable of giving so much, just as he is. How much only you can decide. It does seem to sacraficing oneself doesn't it? It makes me feel incredibly guilty to not be able to seem to sacrifice myself anymore... but yet I can't "pull the trigger" quite yet either. Why... I don't know but what I know is..... I stop worrying about when I should make up my mimd because it won't happen any sooner or later. It will happen when my mind is ready.... I won't force it.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I talked to H today twice about arrangements. Both times I got furious because he didnt know when he will pick up the kids and when he will drop them of..
I told him I want the exit session with the MC. He said he tried to arrange it and they couldnt do it tomorrow. I called the C to tell her to arrange it ASAP. She told me her dad is sick and she couldnt do it this weekend that she had talked to him and from the sound of it he is ready to pull the "trigger" since I want that.
I am mad and sad and scared and upset.
Sandy, you are right about timing. Maybe these last 4 months were what I needed. K
I couldn't agree more with Gypsy's comment that "we are all abusers and all abused."
Abuse is a buzz word that carries so many different meanings. You said that you used to call it bitchiness on your part. So why do you now look at it as abuse? Because you read of it on anothers thread?
There is very definite, legitimate abuse that takes place in the world every day between men and women. Whether physical or emotional, it's a very real thing, a very terrible thing, and something that I would think would require years and years of therapy both to heal from and to stop doing.
I do not believe that you and your husband were abusive to each other, at least not in the pathological sense. You were a husband and wife who perhaps did not know how to communicate with each other. You did not know how to say what you needed, to say what was bothering you, to share what you were afraid of. All of us as human beings handle things differently. I, for example, am an avoider of unpleasantness for the most part. When I know there is an impending doom, I try to pretend it's not going to happen. It is a coping mechanism I suppose I learned as a child and through becoming an adult.
It's faulty though, and it's caused me many difficulties in my life. And therefore it was something I had to learn how to fix.
Kalni, it's ok to no longer be able to love someone who brought enough hurt in to your life that you no longer have the capacity to love them anymore.
It's happened to many of us. It is partially what makes it so difficult for some to recover from infidelity in relationships. When I finally got real with myself, I realized that the thought of my once faithful wife, the woman whom I had shared my first sexual experience with (and me hers), lying in bed with at least two other men that I knew of, would NEVER leave my mind. I realized that this particular betrayal had forever changed how I would see her and what I would feel for her.
The pain was too great. In the process of healing, I had to remove her from my heart. And once gone, there just was nothing left there for her.
If this is where you are, it's ok.
But stop saddling yourself with guilt. And stop allowing fear to rule your decisions.
We are all big boys and girls. We have learned so much, overcome so much. We are all more than capable of withstanding whatever difficulties life brings our way. In the midst of such a massive change in our lives, there is bound to be significant hurdles in front of us. But one day they will be crossed and life will return to a semblance of peace and order.
You will be fine.
Embrace your life.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think you need to go back to having minimal contact with H. He just aggravates you. Keep him out of sight and out of mind as much as possible and focus on having a nice life without him.
Bill, thank you so much for your post. I am here panicking to be honest. It's not so much the practical issues. It's what you said in your last post, the idea of a solid family, the fantasy I suppose, was back for a while. Now, I am back to square one. I hate this feeling. Hate it!!
Sara, you are right. Although I am tempted to go at his work tonight and just let him have it. K
