T2~ After having followed your sitch, I am so AMAZED at his quick turn around...does it seem like it was almost over night to you?! After all of your hard work, you deserve this wonderful time with your H. I am so happy for you, I wish I could hug you in person......(((((T2)))))....keep up the great work and keep sharing the great news...it makes us all smile!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Sun it wasn't a "quick" turn around really. We've been floundering our way through attempts at reconciliation for 11 months. The first 4 months were a joke...I was trying to reconcile and he was still deep in MLC and making a fool of me behind my back.
The REAL attempt only began about 3 months ago but it didn't "heat up" (so to speak) until I got fed up and went off on him about a week and a half ago. I think that night he realized I was just about done, and something I said, or how I said it or the way I looked when I said it...must have set something off in him to make him realize he was no longer going to get dragged along behind me in this R, he either had to put up or shut up...guess he decided to "put up". I have seen more of the man I married in the past week or so than I've seen in 3 yrs.
We're still not about to cohabitate just yet...but if things keep going along as well as they are now, I expect by Christmas he'll be ready to come home and I'll be ready to let him. And THANKS for the hugs...back atcha! T2
H's Positives: 1- He called to wake me up in time for work this morning. 2- He Called this afternoon to say Hi and remind me we were suppose to meet at the WaWa when I got out of school tonight so that we could experience seeing Mars together. 3- Met him at the WaWa...couldn't see Mars because of heavy cloud coverage but...he gave me another new shirt (this one's a white Harley Davidson shirt for when I ride with him on his Harley. It wasn't even a tacky one like the stereotypical biker chicks wear, so that was kewl. 4- He bought me a new key chain 5- He checked and put air in my front tires. 6- He was happy to see me. 7= He told me what he'd done tonight while killing time waiting to meet with me at the WaWa 8- He kissed me goodbye when we left to go our separate ways and he told me he loved me.
H's Negatives: ZERO
My Positives: 1- I was cheery each time I talked to him and I thanked him for calling to make sure I got to work on time. 2- I called him "Hon" 3= I asked for his help (check tires he likes knowing I look to him for stuff like that) 4- I thanked him for doing the above 5- I thanked him for the shirt (although I wouldn't have owned one otherwise in a zillion years) and said it was a very nice choice for me. 6- I told him ILH2
My NEGATIVES:
When we pulled out of the WaWa lot I noticed he wasn't right behind me so I called him on the cell as I went up the road to ask where he'd gone off to. He said he'd gotten hung up behind a pick up truck (that I hadn't noticed) but was in route to his place. I got that 'ugh oh' feeling for a few seconds (suspicion)and then I reminded myself: If he's lying...he's ONLY lying to himself, I am being honorable. And then I let the feeling of distrust/insecurity go, to let God deal with him if he was lying.
I have to remind myself that there is NO reason for him to have to lie anymore. He stands to gain nothing. He does seem genuinely happy with US again, and he never acts defensive anymore when I second guess his actions/words like he been doing in past months when his heart really wasn't in the attempt to reconcile. T2 T2
I love your positives, T2...they make me smile!!!! You are doing such a great job finding all the little baby steps that we sometimes miss!!!
Shiny had a good question, and I guess that is what I was trying to get at...I know this has been a long journey for you...but what finally made him "turn aorund"...if you think about it, he did a 180 (a good one...) on you!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I'm trying to catch up on your new posts in "piecing". I am really inspired by the first part of your new post:
Quote: I have been torn as to whether or not I belong here yet. But after visiting the Piecing forum this morning and reading all the posts, especially Sage's, I was inspired to begin looking at the "positives" as a way to move forward.
Sage said something about having to clear out the emotional cob webs in order to see the good things that were clearly happening in her R with her H.
I think that makes perfect sense especially since I've gotten to this point. I MUST stop keeping score of who's doing more, who's trying harder and step back and appreciate the progress being made and deal with the backslides as the come.
Especially the part about:
Quote: I MUST stop keeping score of who's doing more, who's trying harder and step back and appreciate the progress being made and deal with the backslides as the come.
It's really difficult feeling like the only one who is trying so hard to repair the marriage to a happy, healthy state. But I must remember that H is still going through some of the MLC stages and withdrawal from OW, so I need to just be ok with doing most of the work right now to convince H that he's made the right decision.
Maybe after H gets back from his hunting trip this weekend, I'll be well on the road to recovery from my surgery and can "act as if" I am very upbeat and "can't wait to get on with our happy lives" and smile and have some progresses made around our home while he's gone so that he ALWAYS comes home to a new surprise.
I will catch up with the remainder of the posts on your new thread as soon as I can. Being home after surgery is giving me the time to catch up. But I also need to do a few things around my house, so I'll catch up in between my household chores.
I'm so happy that you have moved to "piecing" and I will think about starting a new post here as well. But first, I'd like to read some posts and decide on a new thread name.
Thanks for starting your new post off with such a great approach! I am now ok with doing most of the work and not expecting H to be ready to do his part just yet.
I think what finally "turned him around" was a culmination of things. I had backed off. I had stopped (for a long time saying ILY) I let him say it first and SOMETIMES I would say ILY2, other times I just said, "Thank you" (stupid I know but saying ILY back just didn't feel right sometimes). I stopped calling him unless it was either absolutely necessary OR if he specifically asked me to call him. I stopped asking his whereabouts or plans. I stopped inviting him over. I stopped 98 % of ALL R issue discussions. I did continue to stay "upbeat", when he called I "sounded happy to hear from him" I called him "Hon" on occassion. I touched his hand when we talked sometimes to emphasis a point. I remembered to compliment him when he looked nice, did something nice (unexpected), I let him know I enjoyed our "dates" by saying, "I had a wonderful evening/afternoon/weekend (whatever), thank you." I began letting him initiate our plans, he asked if we could do such and such on Saturday, he began to ask if he could come by tonight, he increased the number of phone calls to me. (I continue to randomly select certain calls NOT to answer).
I could "See" that he was "coming around" but I was becoming increasingly impatient, so one night recently I decided that I'd had about enough of "not knowing" where we were headed so I threw all caution (and DB principles) to the wind and gave him a piece of my mind. I think you can find that little tirade in my Ugh Oh Help thread. That night, he didn't run, he didn't get defensive, he sat and took what I was dishing out. Months ago he would have said, "See this is exactly what I'm talking about, this will never work because no matter what I say or do it won't be enough." THIS TIME although I could "see" that he wanted to say something like that once or twice...he couldn't get it out. Instead, he sat there resignedly and took it all in. I fully expected NOT to hear from him the next day. I expected him to "hide" but he didn't INSTEAD it was as if all the pleading, begging, nagging, crying of all the previous months of this hell suddenly broke through to him. He said that night that he still wasn't ready to come home but that WAS what he was trying to do, that's what he wants to do. And this time when he said it, I believed him.
Things have been different between us since that night. I don't really know why, I can't really explain it, but there is a more peaceful, safeness between us now.
Am I leery? Of Course, remember we're all shell shocked from this nightmare, but I'm also for the first time in over a year feeling safe to believe that he and I DO have the same agenda. Will we get there? Don't know. Are we BOTH really trying now? YES
H: Called me a few times today. He was somewhat frustrated and iritated today because our son had his car ins. cancelled for none payment, so H had to go make good on the bill for him and get him reinsured. H was ticked because son didn't tell him he needed the money which would have saved a lot of grief. But despite his angst over son, he got his "attitude" together and settled down pretty quickly.
He called me at work this afternoon to tell me what his plans were for tonight. Has some running around to do and a MC part to pick up so he could work on the bike to get it ready for the weekend.
He said he'd call tonight when he was finished working on the bike.
H's NEGATIVES: ZERO
MY POSITIVES: I didn't "sound" bitchy or whiny that he was not going to see me at all tonight.
I was kewl about the things he'd planned to do tonight and kept the conversation light and uncomplicated, like I would if any friend called to tell me their plans. So for me, that was a real positive cause usually I let that 'little disappointed' tone come into my speech. But NOT this time.
I'm feeling content to let him go do whatever he had planned without being suspicious, jealous of his time, or resentful that he's doing something without me.
Since H will be tied up tonight, I'm going out with some co-workers for a cocktail or two. Should be fun.
Thanks T2, I copied your post over to LL's thread.
So part of it was a 180 on your part, really letting him have it! and a part of it must have been, the timing? the fact that he was finally READY to HEAR what you've been telling him??
T2, I finally found you! Your posts are great and everything seems to be falling into place! I'm so glad you are posting here, it does my heart good! Someday I hope to be posting here! And that is my new goal!!!! Go girl! Deb
