Just a note about CAPS typing. The words are uniform, making it hard for the eyes to distinguish the variation of the letters which is how we're used to reading. What you shared was emphatic.
One.. not having children makes choices easier, though the dissolution of marriage is a very tough alternative.
Know what you want.. what you need, what your priorities are.
It takes two to get to this position. Each has to take 100% responsibility for their 50% part of the relationship. DB says to remove the negative that bugs your spouse.. that way he is gradually forced to look in the mirror about what his issues are. Him leaving, forcing the issue did the same thing for you. If it's important, you as a couple work on it, if not.. it's bye bye.
Going dark brings out the part of him that doesn't want to lose you.. whether it's based on a comfort factor or true underlying commitment.
Instead of constantly apologizing, validate what he says, even if you don't believe it. Saying "I understand how you can feel that way." or "uh huh".. sounds that you are listening is great because you ARE listening. Hush your brain and listen to what he says. There's no need to say anything. You know how much better you feel when you to talk, unload? Why would it be any different with your spouse? Give the gift of undivided attention.
I love what you wrote... "I want a husband, not a pen pal."
This is a terrible time but also a great time to grow. Read relationships books.. like Divorce Remedy, Codependent No More, 'His Needs, Her Needs', the Five Love Languages, the Four Agreements among others often recommended. They all help you understand and make informed choices about what makes you, people and spouses tick. And you become better and better.
Counseling is good. Professionals help you get healthier faster and provide guideposts and solid direction.
Take care of all of you... mind, body, spirit. Get healthy and the rest follows.
