Ok last thing of mentalist behaviour, just got an online tarot reading and It was good.
I know, I know, I just needed a wee pick me up just for today. Then no more silliness.
Walk towards the light, apparently my great difficulty had to be experienced and the emotional profit will turn the situation I'm in around to be better than ever. ;-)
Right, I'm going out tomorrow night even though friends friend is going and I'm going to find something positive about her and not imagine my H in the pub getting confirmation from his friends that I'm a bad, nasty wife he needs to get shot off.
Night all, thinking of you all and hoping for us all.
Regrets, although many might think the spiritual world and online tarot and stuff is a little off, I happen to think if it is done with a true and honest advisor, not someone out to take your money, that it can be very helpful and to be honest, one of the quickest ways to release a lot of negative stuff. Even stuff from the past. It will not give you all of the answers or tell you exactly what to do but it can help to give you a sense of peace and hope. Did you do a live reading or one of the computerized ones?
The other, Saffie, I don't know why she would feel that way, but i will share that I can understand it completly. I imagine my H out there just telling eveyrone what a nut case I am. Simply because he said a bunch of stuff to me and I don't know maybe it is my mistrust of people in general but I could see his friends and family cheering him on when I got along with all of them and supposedly they thought I was wonderful. So it may just be her negative self talking right now.
I too am curious what she will say. Regrets I'm glad he shared a little with you. We all have issues with certain things and I don't know what your issues with his first M were, maybe you will share them here, but that is probably not all of it. I will say too, even though we think that they are not considering us at all, they are. Deep inside somewhere. Do not be surprised if there are more moments like this mixed in with a whole bunch of moments where you just feel like he hates you because he isn't telling you anything. One of the best things you can do right now and throughout this is DO NOT initiate Relationship talks. Try to keep things for counseling while you are going. If you start them, you may hear things you don't want to or things you aren't sure he really means because he may feel like he just has to give you some sort of answer. If he initates them, try to keep your part to just validating at least for now.
You can't talk him into changing his mind. He will only do that when/if he is ready.
You can't convince him he is wrong in his actions or thinking.
You have to just listen and pick out what sounds like the REAL stuff and know that alot more will be learned by watching his behavior and listening when he does share than by trying to force it.
MT35-her story is one of patience and validation. If you need to learn how to do that, read her story. I will tell you that my H, came up with excuse after excuse and reason after reason. Which I believe he believed but were not really at the bottom. Over many months, he has said stuff, usually in just one or two sentences and then nothing else. That make way more sense than any of his explanations. I can see what is going on with him when he comes out with these little things.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thank you both, yes I do get on with his friends very well but they're not going to like me for being nasty to him a few times when I was drunk. Can't explain it, just not liking myself at the moment and feel responsible for this whole mess. It's like he is taking word for word the letter I had sent him on day one of this happening.
I know there must be more to it. That morning we were cuddled up planning our next holiday. I honestly didn't see the signs. He just kept saying he was stressed and tired but was still as loving as ever.
He sent a text asking how my driving lesson went so that was good.
I'll just have to sit tight for now and see what tomorrow brings.
I'm dying to tell him he's wrong and that he has done stuff that contributed but I'll zip it. It;s very hard not to try make him see from my point of view but I know how much worse that will make it. just wish he would think of the good stuff and support he always said I gave him.
It's like he has no positive things about our years together, Maybe he doesn't.
thank you both for replies. I know you are taking a great deal of time and effort and I appreciate it very much.
Right now he isn't seeing the positive stuff and you probably do feel like he hates you. I knew my H didn't when we were talking and one day he said "You are a good person and you do try to help everyone." And there have actually been a few othe things that let me know he doens't hate me. Feels kinda wierd after a lot of years of him never really saying anything like that at all.
This is a dialogue on these boards. And yes, you will want to tell him, but please don't. The time will come when you can, or when you just blow, but it is not now. You have no idea how badly I wanted to tell my H that it was time for him to "get his head out of his a** and get back to real life" but I didn't. Well not for months. This place help me not do that. I hope you are reading and trying to get out of your head. That is really where you have to start.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Well I was at the docs for sleeping tabs and he called me to ask if I wanted to go to lunch. I looked like sh@t but to be honest, he's hardly even looking at me didn't matter lol.
We went to a place we always go to, so strange and bit tense. I was acting happy or at least normal. He was telling me about work, lots going on there so I was listening. He then went on to say he might but another business in a few years WHAT, I didn't mention anything about Australia even though that was what he was all for a few months ago. That made me sad but what's new these days.
He asked twice where I was going but not reading too much into that because I think it was just to make conversation.
He asked if we I minded giving his friend our suitcases as his friend was leaving his partner. My first thought was yes, means you can't pack LOL. He went on to say stuff about this girl how she was never happy no matter what his friend did for her. I got the feeling he was talking about us so I said nothing. nothing at all.
He asked where counselling was and I told him but resisted talking about it.
We came home and I just came to our room, I feel like I'm an intruder in the house.
I'm not quite sure what I do now. I'm very nervous of the session tomorrow. I don't think I know now how to behave.
I need to stop thinking how unfair it is and yes it's selfish but I feel like that. I feel like my world has been pulled from under me. One of the things I had a few months ago was total security in love and my life. I sure miss it now but hey ho.
Regrets, you can't convince them of anything right now. So don't even try and do that one. Your H will find every reason not to agree with you, whether it is really how he feels or not, but it will just make you feel worse.
There are times this will consume your thoughts, it is one of the hardest things to do to derail your thinking. 1hope likes to put a rubber band around her wrist and flick it every time her thinking goes to negative thoughts. It does work.
But there are times you can't help it, I still do that too, and you are normal for thinking that ways.
I have felt like H is having people telling him that he is better off without me, even though I do know that he is also being told that he is an idiot for doing what he is doing. My H will also admit that he knows he is an idiot. You have to realize that they are thinking about you even when you don't think they are. We don't know what is going on in their heads and they don't understand it either.
You will make it, it doesn't feel like it at times, and you will have days when it feels like the world is crumbling around you, but you will be OK. It just takes time, and like the song says Time is on Your Side!
Regrets, those feelings of the world being torn out from under you are very normal. I still ask, Why Me? I was almost cocky about how good my relationship was, never thought for a moment that this would ever happen to H and I. I have a friend that said, you guys were like peas and carrots. You never saw the one with out the other. So Regrets, you are NOT ALONE, in this. It does happen to other people. You will make it and it is not selfish to feel that way, it is just how you feel.
MT i love you and you have come such a long way my friend.
Regrets-lunch sounded like it went well. Do your best not to read into anything he says. At counseling, listen but try not to internalize. I'm glad you got the sleeping pills. Eventually, you will feel more normal in your own home. I know it doesn't feel like it and I know it feels like the end of the world right now. but like MT said, you are not alone. Not at all. One day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. You will smile again. Especially after you have had some rest.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
