Good Morning, I think my days here, just like for some of my friends, are coming to an end. At least, that's how I feel lately.
Nothing happened yetsreday, no calls or anything. He didnt talk to the C and I said I dont even want to know now what they will talk about.
I dont want to file for D only to get some kind of reaction. It's not my style or my way of doing things. During this "crisis" with my H, I learnt that I should go for what I want and not for what I dont want hoping the other person will "save me" the last minute...
I have so much love inside me, I have been learning and reading and discussing and dealing with things I wouldnt have if he had not left ME. But he did leave ME and I had to deal with it. Thank God my anger and my hurt didnt blind me. I am still recognising patterns of my behavior that I dont like. Recently, motivated by SCs thread I went and looked into abuse, trying to figure out why some things sounded familiar. Well, I got my answer, we wre BOTH abusive with each other for quite some time. I guess that is what I used to call me being a b!tch and him going nuts. We abused each other with different ways but we both were hurting each other.
Anyway, I am thinking, sitting still for a ocuple of days and maybe I will have one last talk with him to try to express all the things I have been holding back... Maybe it will be our closure discussion. Maybe it will be the end. But, when there is an end, a beginning is coming.
I am terrified. I am thinking of all the things I thought of one year ago. How I will feel when he marries another woman, how will I feel when my kids will be happy with her, how on earth I will manage financially (facing an issue for the next 12 months, after that things will be more than OK), where will I be in 2 years, how will I deal with the kids when they are 13-15 years old, how my life's route was sidetracked, etc etc
Some nights I feel strong and hopeful, most nights lately I feel alone. Alone with the sense that I am...alone. It's me and myself, sleeping in an empty bed, waking up alone, having fun alone, worryig alone, dealing with things alone, the lack of a man/partner to "walk" with me, is killing me. I must be one of those co-dependent persons I think, how bad is that? LOL!!
Anyway, the truth is what I do now, is what is going to happen. H has no power to lead, no motivation obvioulsy and no way to do it. I am not going to file to see if this year he will man up. I want to file and then start live my life as a single. Date, feel love again, male plans, free myself from the past. I am in this sitch for more than 2 years now. I may not live another 2 years. Time is not on my side anymore and I am tired of feeling so torn inside.
Bill, I was going to post some, but I am tired. I agree with you only what I see in my sitch, H has now been making progress with himself. What he has been telling me for over 6 months now in comparison to what he told me when he left has changed completely, he has accepting his wrong doings, he is not blaming me anymore.
GFI (I think), what I wanted form him all along, was to show me he wants me. That he loves me. With a word, a touch, a look, with trying to be with me and not running away when the kids went to bed, to call me, to talk to me about his feelings so that I can understand, to tell me I did a good job with the kids the last year, to be patient with me, to make me feel safe to open up... I dont know know how to explain this, I dont doubt he loves me but that isnt enough because that is what I did the last years of our marriage. I didnt doubt it but I didnt feel it. I took as a granted and stopped requesting, expecting deposits at my love tank, and my love tank now, is empty. All I had left in me, I used it up last year. HE WOULD HAVE TO make deposits for me. He HAS TO. If he cant do it, I cant create it on my own.
Kenn, thanks for stopping by, I know all men are like kids some times, but right now I need the man-side of my H. Cant handle his kid side. I have 2 kids already.
Julia, he is doing something, I agree. Just NOT enough. Almost nothing.
Cory..., MATS!!!!! There. Lead, lead, lead... I cant anymore. Face it!!!
And yes, I think his agreement to D was his effort "to put me out my misery" because he loves me. I never heard what he wants and wishes. I am so sorry. SO very sorry.
