H has officially filed. Please help me!!!!!

[MomInPain]

I think next time he insists on talking to me before I've
had a chance to talk to an A I'll have to really lay it on the line for him.

"If our marriage ends this way -- with you refusing to work whatsoever on our marriage and our issues -- then I have absolutely ZERO INTEREST in being your friend once we're divorced. I'll be civil, and courteous, and we'll work together as good co-parents for the sake of the kids, but I have NO interest in being your friend, much less your BEST friend."
****By Puppy in another thread***

Now if only I could just memorize it. lol

Well I'll be away for a while. I'm just not feeling the support I see so many others receive here. I'll read my DR again, and continue to detach.

Thank you to everyone who did chime in and offer support. I wish you all the best in your sitch's. For now, I've just gotta give it all over to God and take care of me and my kiddo's. H is either going to come around or not.

Either way, we'll be alright.

[native]

Mip, just checking back from an earlier time I posted to you.

You may try a thread in another forum if you are not getting the support you would like.

I just wanted to make a comment from reading your previous thread. It seems like your husband is acting like a man who has already met someone else.

Just my sense of it.

I hope you do come back to the DB forum. I use it to journal. If anyone responds, I am grateful, but for me it is a way to get my anger, frustration and general sadness out. You might find it to be useful for that too ?

[karen43]

I just wanted to make a comment from reading your previous thread. It seems like your husband is acting like a man who has already met someone else.

Just my sense of it.

I agree too, that usually when a WAS has zero interest in the M or working on it, there is someone else in the wings. Or it seems like that anyway!

You also may want to read around and find some other threads and people that you like. I'm always amazed at how so much of us have stuff in common, our Ms & sitches are very similar. Post on a couple of other's threads and many will post on yours too. Glad to meetcha! Karen

[MomInPain]

Karen & Native, I know.......it's something I really try not to think about but I'm pretty sure your right. No matter what I say, he continues to deny. It really pisses me off. I know it would hurt like hell to know for sure, but it may make it easier to let go of him.

So my A flaked on me. Nice. I went to his office and no one was there. H was suspicious thinking I am trying to stall.

He was just full of good news.....NOT. Our refinance isn't going through, of course it is my fault because of a CC that isn't current because I don't have a job to pay it. It's not his fault at all because he couldn't hold off for a bit and wait to file for D.

He has also said that he would like to do the 50/50 custody. Now I know I should be happy, because it was something I offered to him, and I am glad he want's to spend more time with our kids. But at the same time I am sad because that is less time I get with my kids. I'm sad that I'm going to be a part time parent. I'm worried because I don't know if he is doing this to hurt me, to save money on child support, or because he want's to spend more time with the kids.
And I have to figure out if I can live without my kids for 1 week or 2 weeks at a time.
I hate him for doing this to me. To us.

[MomInPain]

I'm a bit weepy today............

Going round and around in circles isn't fun. Sad, mad, hurt, better, great, sad, mad..............

I just don't want to hurt any more. Just when I feel strong and confident and better about myself......BAM I get hit with overwhelming emotions. I feel so very broken.

I'm so tired of this, even though it is "better" it still hurts so bad.

I try to think back to a happier time when we didn't act like 2 people who can barely stand to be in a room together.

And then I remember, it was right before the speech. And I miss that.

There is something so indescribable about a husband leaving his wife.

All at once, everything you knew to be true is now gone.
Your security.......What made you feel safe in this world .....has betrayed you.
Where once you could eventually talk about how something made you feel........now you either don't wish to share your heart or feelings with the betrayer or he just doesn't listen/doesn't want to hear it.
Where once you felt like you were the most important person in his world..............now you are no more than just a hassle to deal with.
Where once you could do no wrong.............now everything you ever did was wrong or unsatisfactory.
Where once you worked together to find solutions..........now you work alone.
Where your best friend, lover, and go to guy is now a stranger.

I do feel broken. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to be just ok, how to just be. When for so long it was us. We were a family, and we were great. Now were just not. And I don't know how to do that.

I can't even imagine opening up my heart again. Trusting that it will not get torn to pieces. Part of me really wishes I had someone to help me mend it. Help me forget. Remind me of why I deserve to be loved, cause right now I don't feel it.

[MomInPain]

My A finally called to reschedule. So I'll be off to see her
tomorrow morn.

Need to find out.....
Will H still have to pay CS is we do joint custody?
Is H bound to pay SS and how much can I get?
How do we split our assets and debts? Not much of both but
need to know anyway.

***Saying the serenity prayer****

[noedphi]

(((((((((MIP)))))))))

Just want you to know I really know how you feel.
I am having a good day today, so I thought I would come over and try and make you feel better.

It is hard. It is soooo hard to deal. but you find a way. The great people here and the lords guidance will get you through.
Just Remember, You are great, you do deserve love, you will get through this.

[MomInPain]

Noedphi, Thank you for stopping by to prop me up. Right back attcha sweets!


Well the last couple of days have been very rough. Not fun at all.
After an uncomfortable face to face with H, because he for some reason likes to discuss divorce specifics with me in person????...
I emailed him and told him that for any future discussions, I would appreciate him doing by phone or email.

Here is what I wrote:

.........Lastly, when you have something you need to discuss with me I would like to do it by phone or email.
Emotionally, I cannot handle a face to face with you. It is just too hard right now, and I need time
to heal. We both do. I think we are both so emotionally messed up that we really need to step back
and just be. Or maybe your fine and it's just me. I don't know.

I hope you can understand and respect my request.
*************************

So he texted me and called me this morning while I was at my appointment. Asking me to call him when I get the text and message. Letting me know when he was going to get the kids next. ugh

Had consult with A. It went pretty good, but it seems like even if I feel I am due more than what he is offering, I'm going to have to have an A represent me. He is just very good at getting his way and is manipulative. In other words he could offer me a bag of sh** and by the time he's done talking to me about it I'll believe it's a bag of gold.

So I'm going to try and negotiate with him, and see where it gets us. Sent my first offer to him today.

I just am heart sick still. So very sad and emotionally drained.

I keep praying for God to help me, give me strength, grace, peace, understanding, patience, anything to help me get through this in one piece.
How can I continue to love this man who has torn me up inside? Why do I shed tears for a relationship that no longer exists?
How is it so easy for one person to walk away from what was supposed to be forever?

I know I've asked these questions and I don't expect answers.

I really hope that moving our of our marital home will help me
move forward easier. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well, another day....

[Forrest Gump]

"Lastly, when you have something you need to discuss with me I would like to do it by phone or email.
Emotionally, I cannot handle a face to face with you. It is just too hard right now, and I need time
to heal. We both do. I think we are both so emotionally messed up that we really need to step back
and just be. Or maybe your fine and it's just me. I don't know.

I hope you can understand and respect my request."

While this seems.. good.. You are kinda showing your hand. Remember the things we write and say.. come across very differently to the OP. Be careful writing email and doing things on the phone. Face to face with you showing a strong "front" will work wonders. Cry when you leave. That is OK. The general idea with all this stuff.. is to stand out. Or maybe stand up. I am not quite sure on that yet. Maximize the times that he "sees" you "standing out". I know you feel like you are fighting a losing battle.. and you may be. But I will tell you someone that "stands out" will somehow become more attractive.

"Had consult with A. It went pretty good, but it seems like even if I feel I am due more than what he is offering, I'm going to have to have an A represent me."

I am unsure if that is a complete thought. Or I just don't understand. Can you expand on that?

Right now.. I would say.. let the A do the talking. I am not gonna tell you to stop all talking with H.. just gonna tell you be careful.

"How can I continue to love this man who has torn me up inside? Why do I shed tears for a relationship that no longer exists?"

We all do it. Sometimes I think that it can become a driving force. I am not sure how to label it though. Somewhere in this mix of "Emotion".. lies the true you. You get the job of figuring it out.

"How is it so easy for one person to walk away from what was supposed to be forever?"

Trust me when I say.. this was not a easy choice for him. I have worn your shoes. And been where you are. Somehow.. you will learn from this. That is really all that is important.

You asked me some questions.. and I gotta go back and "catch up".

I will be back.

[Forrest Gump]

"You truly make me think."

First.. Thanks.

My goal here is to make you think. Because most likely.. in the situation you find yourself in.. you will think in a very narrow "scope". I want you to broaden that "scope". I am a busy man. And I do the best I can. It may take me a while.. but I will respond when I can. In the meantime.. look at the other thoughts that are coming in.

"What I see is that any niceness he shows towards me is him trying to get his way with the D. An attempt to woo me into not fighting and hiring an attorney."

This is a possibility. Best defense would be to hire an A. If you feel like you are being run over.. you might be. The other side is he wants you to lead.. and hire the A.. so he can say it was all your fault.

"When you ask "Read that again. What are you saying?"

"I don't do well with him face to face and he knows that. I break down and if I don't cry I get tongue tied."

In simple terms.. this is where you change things. To be more clear.. he is on top of his game while he has you "here". I don't know that there would be anything wrong.. with you knocking him off his game. As long as it was not "over the top".