I am sure if I were wearing the LBS shoes and my WAS had an A and told lies on me and slandered me publicly, then I would not think twice about letting the A be known. This is not "turning the other cheeck" and may not be considered good DBing, but I know "me" well enough to know what I would not sit by and allow my name dragged through the mud if my own S was out having an A. However, what I posted earlier was written with the understanding that that sort of "payback" behavior was not being passed back and forth. I think under those conditions....it does turn into a war zone when the couple is trying to see who gets the last hit.
I am not saying what is right or wrong in anyone's particular stitch. As one person explained, one size doesn't always fit all. I think everyone has to figure it out for themselves. We can give our advice or opinions, but then the individual person has to do what they feel is right based upon their stitch, their belief system, and all that has happened during the ordeal. Sitting at our computers and giving advice--and living in their shoes--are two very different things. Most of us have been on one side or the other of this fense we're talking about. Neither side is pretty nor does it feel good (even if the WS would like to pretend that it does). I want you who are, or have been, the LBS to know that it was my reading about your pain and the shattered lives the WAS left behind that actually taught me more about my own personal stitch from my H's POV--than he ever told me. He has not talked about it until this day. Yes, it hurts when I read some of the things said out of anger and bitterness from some of you, but I know it is from the gut wrenching pain that you have experienced that causes you to feel that all WS's are terrible.
I would not attempt to defend the wayward spouse to excuse them to have an affair! I only want to say that for a few of us, it was not something we ever dreamed would happen and we do know we caused terrible pain. Some of us may want to give an "excuse" of why we were weak and fell into the fantasy...... but we know that it was wrong and there is no excuse....period. I hope that in spite of our "sin" it does not make all of us who strayed a "terrible" human being and that we can have a chance to once again be the person we once were.....if that is possible.
I believe for you, the LBS, you will always have some scar tissue in your heart from the terrible experience of being betrayed, even if your M turns out fine or you are able to move on. That is when I have to look in the mirror and tell myself that no matter what means led me to get involved with the OM, it does not justify me hurting my H like I did.....and it never will. It causes me to feel so much shame about myself and all WAS. I wish I could say or do something to ease the pain for all of you who were done so awful, but I know that only God has that power to forgive the sinful (like me) and to heal the broken (the LBS). I hope that we will continue to strive to learn from one another about what to do in these situations and how to help the newcomers as we try to grow and heal in our own lives.
God Bless You All, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
