To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[Sanderika]

Hello TCBTE....(di)
My name is Sanderika, You could have written the above post about me and my sitch.

You have been where I have and are where I am.....

My sitch started almost 1 year to the day before yours.

I also have been with my H since I was 15. I love him with all my heart and cannot imagine otherwise. I want him back home with me and our son. I have tried to move on and can't. I am a stander and that is one fact I cannot deny, I will go anywhere and do anything to save my marriage. I have been dragged in the mud and steam-rolled over and over by this mans actions and still I love him.

We will have been together 30 years as of next month and married 25 years come April.

I like you don't need him, I am quite capable of taking care of things all by myself. I WANT him in my life. I want to grow old with him. I want to be "grammy and grampa" with him at grammy's and grampa's house some day in the same house. I don't want my son to have to choose. This makes me cry.

I gal as much as I can with a 12 year old to take care of. I can leave him alone for short periods of time.

I have done the looks good, smells good, changed my style to fit a younger mood. I have long brown hair that I used to wear up everyday, now I wear it down for a more youthful appearance. I lost weight and kept it off (could have been the D diet that did that for me). It actually took me 60 days to do a 360 and turn H's head again. He is very attracted to me and says so.

In the 42.5 months that he has been gone he went from hating my guts to actually liking me and enjoying me again. We also have maintained a sexual R since Jan.'06 right up til the present. Some have issue with this...this is one area that has kept us connected and for that I am grateful while disregarding the risks. Right???? Wrong???? I don't have the answer, I just do it because I want to and it feels right.

My H moved out right away back in Aug.'05 for another woman and he is still seeing the same OW. This is the part that makes being with him sexually so frustrating. He enjoys being with me again. I do not know why he can't come back.

He actually postponed our D at a court appearance in Jan.'09 stating before the judge that he wanted his marriage and to reconcile it within 6 months. I have not seen any different behavior from him that would make me believe he meant what he said. I could go on and on about this but won't, that's not really why I decided to post you.

I wanted to point out our similarities. I have also vowed to make no contact to him. I NEVER initiate a CALL, TEXT or SEE/VISIT him. It is my H who makes all the contacts with me/us.

I also never mention R talking. When he is over it is a safe haven for him and a warm, loving friendly place to be.

I have had one DB Coach session with Jody. I did that last summer. I had only found this website last June. I have bought 2 more sessions and am hanging onto them (they are expensive) I want to use them when I feel dire. The advice Jody gave me was right on except she told me to stop the sex. I did not do as advised. I know my H and that would have been an end right there. The reason is because I was depressed and I refused him sex for the better part of a year before he left. I could not do that to him again after I got better.

I understand you and your emotions being unpredictable. Just yesterday I sat on the couch and bawled like crazy. I sounded like a wounded cow. It will hit me when I am alone without much to do and my thoughts get the best of me.

Do you and your H still have friendly conversations? Does your H still find you desireable and attractive? I don't mean to pry but it is good if these things are happening. Has he mentioned a D or filed for one?

The one thing I have done that has helped more than anything else is that I treat H well. I am good and kind and loving towards him. I treat him with respect and listen to his conversations with total attention and interest. I try to make him feel desired and put him first when he is over.

Sometimes I think we can create the outer package look just gorgeous and desireable and we must maintain that at all cost once we achieve it. THEN, there is the personality to display....I think most of our H left because of neglect in one way or another or more ways than one. They left because we were not fulfilling a need they had and it usually was emotional. I think in order to recapture the relationship we need to fulfill their emotional needs. I have found ways to fulfill my H. Albeit I still think a reconcilement where he comes back home is a ways off yet.

I "think" we are possibly on the right track. I still have hope but try my hardest to have no expectations.

I, like you, know if they returned we could continue to love them. I think the trust will be hard. I worry about that too. I feel if my H came back and we were happy the trust would fall into place and I would hope that once he made the committment again he would have zero contact with the OW. I would not take him back without a vow of zero contact.

OH my, I have rambled and written way too much. I really wanted to say hello to you, it's strangely comforting when you read someone's post and it sounds just like yourself.

You will be in my thoughts.....

Sanderika