I would no longer share anything with your wife's family members. They aren't on your side and anything you divulge to them will bite you in the butt. I wouldn't even say that you want to reconcile with your wife to them. Don't let them tell her that you are holding out hope.
I am totally in agreement with your actions. So many people get caught up in this DB pushover stuff that they recommend you act like a wuss and take it on the chin. You have ONE chance to do this right by your daughter. Don't bend over and take what she throws at you. Get as fair a settlement as you can. Assume things will not work out and be pleasantly surprised (maybe) if they do.
As far as your sons, if she doesn't care to spend time with them, and they don't want to, then I wouldn't push it. It's unlikely she has any kind of serious feelings for them or they wouldn't have been pushed to the side for OM.
Let the legal ball roll as it's going, hold your cards to your chest, and get busy enjoying your life.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I appreciate that advice. My concern for my W is gradually decreasing as her problems are something I have no control over. She has the A, I'm sure depression is a cause (her father died right after she had our D(1), she has a history of depression where she had a friend commit suicide and she responded by cutting her own wrists, she went through therapy and came out better - but now she refuses to even consider any.
I've read through the DR book... I'm following the GAL/LRT stuff because this has been happening so fast, and ultimately whatever happens my children are going to be my primary focus. I don't need her in my life to be happy. Happiness is something we make for ourselves. I just feel like she is throwing her life away because she dealt with things the wrong way.
I won't be surprised after the D is final (if we get that far) that she doesn't like her new reality and wants to come back. By that point, she may have done too much damage - she had built up enough trust to where I was prepared to allow her to adopt my sons from the prior marriage. I had her listed as beneficiary on everything, trusted that she'd raise them if something happened to me - and she never gave me any reason to suspect anything different until around August 2008 to the present.
As long as I focus on being a great person, and a great father, and make my children my number one priority - things will work out fine. Whether she wants to come along for the ride isn't my concern right now... I just want to work out something agreeable and get things over with if that is what she wants.
It almost seems like what she 'really' wants is to air out my dirty laundry so 'everybody knows' that it is my fault. Actually getting divorced is less important to her than the way she handles the process out of spite/vindictiveness. Meanwhile, she *chose* the D, she *chose* not to work on the M, she *chose* not to attend C, she *chose* to have an A. Personal responsibility is something she needs to learn out of this.
I've given myself until Feb 28 to worry about her and what she is doing. Then I'm going to focus on myself completely. I do better at setting timetables for myself. Quit emailing/communicating with her on January 31 except about the baby.
I just don't understand why she feels the need to go crazy. I've never done anything to her that would engender this sort of response. Just "stole 5 years of her life" as she'd put it now... I wasn't exactly holding a gun to her head.
We dated for two years while I was a single father of 2. She couldn't wait to get married. I waited a year after being married before I was willing to consider a baby, she clamored for one from day one. After actually having the baby, her chosen life wasn't that appealing any longer.
So she spent the latter half of 2008 developing her budding relationships around the neighborhood, and her EA/PA with the neighbor. Then when she had a problem with something I did - she ran to each house in the neighborhood to tell "her side" of the story.
For instance: Me: "We need to talk. There is a rumor going around the neighborhood you've been sleeping with OM. Maybe you should spend less time there, or only go there when other people are there?"
Her: "..." - runs off to all our neighbor's houses: "H said that I can never leave the house and he just wants me to cook and clean and change diapers and I can never leave."
Meanwhile... I hear what she said third-hand. So I figure she has been killing our M since she had the baby, and now feels the need to blame it on me.
Legally? Going to let everything play out, do what I can, and walk out with the best I can. I'll keep updating.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
On a lighter note, I saw D(1) at her daycare this morning, she was sitting on the floor playing with toys. I sat down across from her and she looked up and grinned. She tossed down what she was playing with and crawled over to me and picked herself up and said "da da" so this was a positive and bright moment on the day.
I just hate that my W rushed into an adversarial situation.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I'm committing fully to the LRT. I'll update how it works. I'm a newbie to this site, but not a newbie to M, distancing, or A's.
I'm cutting off initiated conversation with WAW/WAW Family that doesn't have to do with the D(1).
I'm going to commit to the legal issue. If WAW approaches me, I'll make a decision then - but for now I'm going to begin taking away the comfort zone. So far, in brief periods of going 'dim' WAW has begun reaching out more to feel out where I'm at.
I'm going to GAL, continue school, take care of the kids, and start doing more fun things on the weekends.
The only urge I'm fighting right now is the urge to lay down an ultimatum... if our M ends like this, with an ongoing A that is being lied about, and her refusal to even 'try' for the M - I have every intention of being friendly, cordial, and nice in co-parenting - but I have no intention of ever pursuing even a friendship with W post-D. I can do better, my children deserve better.
I'm going to distance myself from the legal issue as well, allow my lawyers to do what is required while I back away.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Went 'dim' and seems like WAW's text message replies get longer and longer each day. I basically send the same thing "How's D(1)?" and she gets more and more elaborate, put another smiley face on it.
Seems mocking lol...
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Spoke to a friend's wife who is a former WAW and she gave me a lot of the same insight that I've found around here.
Said the best thing I can do (at least what would have worked for her) would be to take away the comfort zone completely, make it clear I'm moving on, and not pursue at all. Just go cold - but remain open for as long as I can emotionally.
Considering the legal issue (which seems more bark than bite) I'm even more committed to cutting contact. She can't say anything happened if we haven't even been in contact much. Just my single txt each day to ask about D(1), and I schedule my visits to the daycare to see D(1) when W isn't around.
I'm not sure what the status is of her R with OM. He has been giving me the ole stink-eye the past couple of days when I get home, he's just staring over at me when I walk in my house. Last night I just looked outside and he just seemed to be pacing between his house and the neighbor across the street.
I know W's time with him has been cut because m.i.l. isn't letting her get out of the house now. I think they only really get like a few minutes here and there during the week, and buzzing up the txt messages to each other.
I'm hopeful after 2-3 weeks of NC with me, W will sort of drop the charade of pretending I'm her problem, or at least tone down her rhetoric. She seems to be fishing for more replies when she responds to my txt messages, but I don't bother.
I'm going to write her a check to pay for half of D(1)'s co-pay, and might just walk in, hand it to her, smile and tell her to have a good day, and walk out. Make contact, but keep it minimal, to the point, and get out.
Any attempts at DB are surely going to be more difficult given the legal filings, hearings, etc. - but gradually I'm distancing myself emotionally from the drama, and I'm feeling better.
For some reason, W has fallen in love with drama. The real kicker? There are other trashy neighbors around the neighborhood actively supporting W in her A. The night she got busted, a lady across the street was acting as lookout, and called them to let them know they were being watched.
By removing myself from the drama, or acting aloof, I'm hoping to just let W roll around in her misery without being able to bring me down with her.
And no... my primary goal isn't to DB until the situation is settled with D(1). But the LRT/Dim/GAL - all these things need to happen regardless.
Give me some pointers if you think I'm doing something wrong.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I'm not trying to be too 'cold' but she gets friendlier and friendlier in her messages like she is fishing for a conversation. In the past - I would participate and eventually the conversation would die out with her being mad. So now I'm not participating. I intend whatever conversations we have to be on my terms, and when I'm feeling positive and want to actually discuss things.
I haven't seen her in person since last Saturday, and I'm going to make a short/sweet trip by her work to hand her the check for D(1)'s co-pay, and then walk out without discussing anything with her - just smiling, telling her to have a good day, and then moving forward.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Today's messages (and a couple from yesterday) from her asked questions about my two sons in response to me asking about D(1). She hasn't really given a crap about them for a while, so that would seem to be a good sign.
*However*
I had complained to her brother about her lack of contact and lack of concern about them several days ago. So not sure if this is because of that, although it did take a little while for her to come and ask after I'd mentioned it to him.
Other little things since S: 1. She slipped up and called me "baby" one morning when I was talking to her at work. I was shocked to hear it and just stammered with what I was talking about. 2. After spending a weekend with OM, for some reason she put her hand on my leg while wanting to show me a video of our D(1). I was sort of repulsed, and sort of confused why she'd do that. (She didn't know I knew at that point). 3. She talks about wanting to be part of my son's lives, yet she doesn't seem to have any concern over how they are going to take her decision. She always talked about wanting to adopt them, now she just pays them lip service. 4. She is apparently feeding her family the line that she wants to do counseling, etc. - but I'm not hearing any of that. So I don't know whether to believe b.i.l. or not on that. 5. Legal issue still going on. Going to get ugly I'm sure, but with NC I'm hoping that she calms down a bit.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Walked up to W while I was talking on the phone, wrote her a note that I hadn't received the receipt for medical bill and to please mail it, but that I was giving her the check anyway. Smiled, and walked off. She wouldn't look at me, seemed depressed, and otherwise distant.
Meanwhile, I was dressed in all new clothes, new haircut, basically "as if" but also feeling better about things. I'm not 100% detached, but I'm getting there.
I'll need to be with all this legal b.s.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
